Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte

Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte
AGNES GREY
CHAPTER I - THE PARSONAGE
ALL true histories contain instruction; though, in some, the
treasure may be hard to find, and when found, so trivial in
quantity, that the dry, shrivelled kernel scarcely compensates for
the trouble of cracking the nut. Whether this be the case with my
history or not, I am hardly competent to judge. I sometimes think
it might prove useful to some, and entertaining to others; but the
world may judge for itself. Shielded by my own obscurity, and by
the lapse of years, and a few fictitious names, I do not fear to
venture; and will candidly lay before the public what I would not
disclose to the most intimate friend.
My father was a clergyman of the north of England, who was
deservedly respected by all who knew him; and, in his younger days,
lived pretty comfortably on the joint income of a small incumbency
and a snug little property of his own. My mother, who married him
against the wishes of her friends, was a squire's daughter, and a
woman of spirit. In vain it was represented to her, that if she
became the poor parson's wife, she must relinquish her carriage and
her lady's-maid, and all the luxuries and elegancies of affluence;
which to her were little less than the necessaries of life. A
carriage and a lady's-maid were great conveniences; but, thank
heaven, she had feet to carry her, and hands to minister to her own
necessities. An elegant house and spacious grounds were not to be
despised; but she would rather live in a cottage with Richard Grey
than in a palace with any other man in the world.
Finding arguments of no avail, her father, at length, told the
lovers they might marry if they pleased; but, in so doing, his
daughter would forfeit every fraction of her fortune. He expected
this would cool the ardour of both; but he was mistaken. My father
knew too well my mother's superior worth not to be sensible that
she was a valuable fortune in herself: and if she would but
consent to embellish his humble hearth he should be happy to take
her on any terms; while she, on her part, would rather labour with
her own hands than be divided from the man she loved, whose
happiness it would be her joy to make, and who was already one with
her in heart and soul. So her fortune went to swell the purse of a
wiser sister, who had married a rich nabob; and she, to the wonder
and compassionate regret of all who knew her, went to bury herself
in the homely village parsonage among the hills of -. And yet, in
spite of all this, and in spite of my mother's high spirit and my
father's whims, I believe you might search all England through, and
fail to find a happier couple.
Of six children, my sister Mary and myself were the only two that
survived the perils of infancy and early childhood. I, being the
younger by five or six years, was always regarded as THE child, and
the pet of the family: father, mother, and sister, all combined to
spoil me - not by foolish indulgence, to render me fractious and
ungovernable, but by ceaseless kindness, to make me too helpless
and dependent - too unfit for buffeting with the cares and turmoils
of life.
Mary and I were brought up in the strictest seclusion. My mother,
being at once highly accomplished, well informed, and fond of
employment, took the whole charge of our education on herself, with
the exception of Latin - which my father undertook to teach us - so
that we never even went to school; and, as there was no society in
the neighbourhood, our only intercourse with the world consisted in
a stately tea-party, now and then, with the principal farmers and
tradespeople of the vicinity (just to avoid being stigmatized as
too proud to consort with our neighbours), and an annual visit to
our paternal grandfather's; where himself, our kind grandmamma, a
maiden aunt, and two or three elderly ladies and gentlemen, were
the only persons we ever saw. Sometimes our mother would amuse us
with stories and anecdotes of her younger days, which, while they
entertained us amazingly, frequently awoke - in ME, at least - a
secret wish to see a little more of the world.
I thought she must have been very happy: but she never seemed to
regret past times. My father, however, whose temper was neither
tranquil nor cheerful by nature, often unduly vexed himself with
thinking of the sacrifices his dear wife had made for him; and
troubled his head with revolving endless schemes for the
augmentation of his little fortune, for her sake and ours. In vain
my mother assured him she was quite satisfied; and if he would but
lay by a little for the children, we should all have plenty, both
for time present and to come: but saving was not my father's
forte. He would not run in debt (at least, my mother took good
care he should not), but while he had money he must spend it: he
liked to see his house comfortable, and his wife and daughters well
clothed, and well attended; and besides, he was charitably
disposed, and liked to give to the poor, according to his means:
or, as some might think, beyond them.
At length, however, a kind friend suggested to him a means of
doubling his private property at one stroke; and further increasing
it, hereafter, to an untold amount. This friend was a merchant, a
man of enterprising spirit and undoubted talent, who was somewhat
straitened in his mercantile pursuits for want of capital; but
generously proposed to give my father a fair share of his profits,
if he would only entrust him with what he could spare; and he
thought he might safely promise that whatever sum the latter chose
to put into his hands, it should bring him in cent. per cent. The
small patrimony was speedily sold, and the whole of its price was
deposited in the hands of the friendly merchant; who as promptly
proceeded to ship his cargo, and prepare for his voyage.
My father was delighted, so were we all, with our brightening
prospects. For the present, it is true, we were reduced to the
narrow income of the curacy; but my father seemed to think there
was no necessity for scrupulously restricting our expenditure to
that; so, with a standing bill at Mr. Jackson's, another at
Smith's, and a third at Hobson's, we got along even more
comfortably than before: though my mother affirmed we had better
keep within bounds, for our prospects of wealth were but
precarious, after all; and if my father would only trust everything
to her management, he should never feel himself stinted: but he,
for once, was incorrigible.
What happy hours Mary and I have passed while sitting at our work
by the fire, or wandering on the heath-clad hills, or idling under
the weeping birch (the only considerable tree in the garden),
talking of future happiness to ourselves and our parents, of what
we would do, and see, and possess; with no firmer foundation for
our goodly superstructure than the riches that were expected to
flow in upon us from the success of the worthy merchant's
speculations. Our father was nearly as bad as ourselves; only that
he affected not to be so much in earnest: expressing his bright
hopes and sanguine expectations in jests and playful sallies, that
always struck me as being exceedingly witty and pleasant. Our
mother laughed with delight to see him so hopeful and happy: but
still she feared he was setting his heart too much upon the matter;
and once I heard her whisper as she left the room, 'God grant he be
not disappointed! I know not how he would bear it.'
Disappointed he was; and bitterly, too. It came like a thunderclap
on us all, that the vessel which contained our fortune had
been wrecked, and gone to the bottom with all its stores, together
with several of the crew, and the unfortunate merchant himself. I
was grieved for him; I was grieved for the overthrow of all our
air-built castles: but, with the elasticity of youth, I soon
recovered the shook.
Though riches had charms, poverty had no terrors for an
inexperienced girl like me. Indeed, to say the truth, there was
something exhilarating in the idea of being driven to straits, and
thrown upon our own resources. I only wished papa, mamma, and Mary
were all of the same mind as myself; and then, instead of lamenting
past calamities we might all cheerfully set to work to remedy them;
and the greater the difficulties, the harder our present
privations, the greater should be our cheerfulness to endure the
latter, and our vigour to contend against the former.
Mary did not lament, but she brooded continually over the
misfortune, and sank into a state of dejection from which no effort
of mine could rouse her. I could not possibly bring her to regard
the matter on its bright side as I did: and indeed I was so
fearful of being charged with childish frivolity, or stupid
insensibility, that I carefully kept most of my bright ideas and
cheering notions to myself; well knowing they could not be
appreciated.
My mother thought only of consoling my father, and paying our debts
and retrenching our expenditure by every available means; but my
father was completely overwhelmed by the calamity: health,
strength, and spirits sank beneath the blow, and he never wholly
recovered them. In vain my mother strove to cheer him, by
appealing to his piety, to his courage, to his affection for
herself and us. That very affection was his greatest torment: it
was for our sakes he had so ardently longed to increase his fortune
- it was our interest that had lent such brightness to his hopes,
and that imparted such bitterness to his present distress. He now
tormented himself with remorse at having neglected my mother's
advice; which would at least have saved him from the additional
burden of debt - he vainly reproached himself for having brought
her from the dignity, the ease, the luxury of her former station to
toil with him through the cares and toils of poverty. It was gall
and wormwood to his soul to see that splendid, highly-accomplished
woman, once so courted and admired, transformed into an active
managing housewife, with hands and head continually occupied with
household labours and household economy. The very willingness with
which she performed these duties, the cheerfulness with which she
bore her reverses, and the kindness which withheld her from
imputing the smallest blame to him, were all perverted by this
ingenious self-tormentor into further aggravations of his
sufferings. And thus the mind preyed upon the body, and disordered
the system of the nerves, and they in turn increased the troubles
of the mind, till by action and reaction his health was seriously
impaired; and not one of us could convince him that the aspect of
our affairs was not half so gloomy, so utterly hopeless, as his
morbid imagination represented it to be.
The useful pony phaeton was sold, together with the stout, well-fed
pony - the old favourite that we had fully determined should end
its days in peace, and never pass from our hands; the little coachhouse
and stable were let; the servant boy, and the more efficient
(being the more expensive) of the two maid-servants, were
dismissed. Our clothes were mended, turned, and darned to the
utmost verge of decency; our food, always plain, was now simplified
to an unprecedented degree - except my father's favourite dishes;
our coals and candles were painfully economized - the pair of
candles reduced to one, and that most sparingly used; the coals
carefully husbanded in the half-empty grate: especially when my
father was out on his parish duties, or confined to bed through
illness - then we sat with our feet on the fender, scraping the
perishing embers together from time to time, and occasionally
adding a slight scattering of the dust and fragments of coal, just
to keep them alive. As for our carpets, they in time were worn
threadbare, and patched and darned even to a greater extent than
our garments. To save the expense of a gardener, Mary and I
undertook to keep the garden in order; and all the cooking and
household work that could not easily be managed by one servantgirl,
was done by my mother and sister, with a little occasional
help from me: only a little, because, though a woman in my own
estimation, I was still a child in theirs; and my mother, like most
active, managing women, was not gifted with very active daughters:
for this reason - that being so clever and diligent herself, she
was never tempted to trust her affairs to a deputy, but, on the
contrary, was willing to act and think for others as well as for
number one; and whatever was the business in hand, she was apt to
think that no one could do it so well as herself: so that whenever
I offered to assist her, I received such an answer as - 'No, love,
you cannot indeed - there's nothing here you can do. Go and help
your sister, or get her to take a walk with you - tell her she must
not sit so much, and stay so constantly in the house as she does -
she may well look thin and dejected.'
'Mary, mamma says I'm to help you; or get you to take a walk with
me; she says you may well look thin and dejected, if you sit so
constantly in the house.'
'Help me you cannot, Agnes; and I cannot go out with YOU - I have
far too much to do.'
'Then let me help you.'
'You cannot, indeed, dear child. Go and practise your music, or
play with the kitten.'
There was always plenty of sewing on hand; but I had not been
taught to cut out a single garment, and except plain hemming and
seaming, there was little I could do, even in that line; for they
both asserted that it was far easier to do the work themselves than
to prepare it for me: and besides, they liked better to see me
prosecuting my studies, or amusing myself - it was time enough for
me to sit bending over my work, like a grave matron, when my
favourite little pussy was become a steady old cat. Under such
circumstances, although I was not many degrees more useful than the
kitten, my idleness was not entirely without excuse.
Through all our troubles, I never but once heard my mother complain
of our want of money. As summer was coming on she observed to Mary
and me, 'What a desirable thing it would be for your papa to spend
a few weeks at a watering-place. I am convinced the sea-air and
the change of scene would be of incalculable service to him. But
then, you see, there's no money,' she added, with a sigh. We both
wished exceedingly that the thing might be done, and lamented
greatly that it could not. 'Well, well!' said she, 'it's no use
complaining. Possibly something might be done to further the
project after all. Mary, you are a beautiful drawer. What do you
say to doing a few more pictures in your best style, and getting
them framed, with the water-coloured drawings you have already
done, and trying to dispose of them to some liberal picture-dealer,
who has the sense to discern their merits?'
'Mamma, I should be delighted if you think they COULD be sold; and
for anything worth while.'
'It's worth while trying, however, my dear: do you procure the
drawings, and I'll endeavour to find a purchaser.'
'I wish I could do something,' said I.
'You, Agnes! well, who knows? You draw pretty well, too: if you
choose some simple piece for your subject, I daresay you will be
able to produce something we shall all be proud to exhibit.'
'But I have another scheme in my head, mamma, and have had long,
only I did not like to mention it.'
'Indeed! pray tell us what it is.'
'I should like to be a governess.'
My mother uttered an exclamation of surprise, and laughed. My
sister dropped her work in astonishment, exclaiming, 'YOU a
governess, Agnes! What can you be dreaming of?'
'Well! I don't see anything so VERY extraordinary in it. I do not
pretend to be able to instruct great girls; but surely I could
teach little ones: and I should like it so much: I am so fond of
children. Do let me, mamma!'
'But, my love, you have not learned to take care of YOURSELF yet:
and young children require more judgment and experience to manage
than elder ones.'
'But, mamma, I am above eighteen, and quite able to take care of
myself, and others too. You do not know half the wisdom and
prudence I possess, because I have never been tried.'
'Only think,' said Mary, 'what would you do in a house full of
strangers, without me or mamma to speak and act for you - with a
parcel of children, besides yourself, to attend to; and no one to
look to for advice? You would not even know what clothes to put
on.'
'You think, because I always do as you bid me, I have no judgment
of my own: but only try me - that is all I ask - and you shall see
what I can do.'
At that moment my father entered and the subject of our discussion
was explained to him.
'What, my little Agnes a governess!' cried he, and, in spite of his
dejection, he laughed at the idea.
'Yes, papa, don't YOU say anything against it: I should like it so
much; and I am sure I could manage delightfully.'
'But, my darling, we could not spare you.' And a tear glistened in
his eye as he added - 'No, no! afflicted as we are, surely we are
not brought to that pass yet.'
'Oh, no!' said my mother. 'There is no necessity whatever for such
a step; it is merely a whim of her own. So you must hold your
tongue, you naughty girl; for, though you are so ready to leave us,
you know very well we cannot part with YOU.'
I was silenced for that day, and for many succeeding ones; but
still I did not wholly relinquish my darling scheme. Mary got her
drawing materials, and steadily set to work. I got mine too; but
while I drew, I thought of other things. How delightful it would
be to be a governess! To go out into the world; to enter upon a
new life; to act for myself; to exercise my unused faculties; to
try my unknown powers; to earn my own maintenance, and something to
comfort and help my father, mother, and sister, besides exonerating
them from the provision of my food and clothing; to show papa what
his little Agnes could do; to convince mamma and Mary that I was
not quite the helpless, thoughtless being they supposed. And then,
how charming to be entrusted with the care and education of
children! Whatever others said, I felt I was fully competent to
the task: the clear remembrance of my own thoughts in early
childhood would be a surer guide than the instructions of the most
mature adviser. I had but to turn from my little pupils to myself
at their age, and I should know, at once, how to win their
confidence and affections: how to waken the contrition of the
erring; how to embolden the timid and console the afflicted; how to
make Virtue practicable, Instruction desirable, and Religion lovely
and comprehensible.
- Delightful task!
To teach the young idea how to shoot!
To train the tender plants, and watch their buds unfolding day by
day!
Influenced by so many inducements, I determined still to persevere;
though the fear of displeasing my mother, or distressing my
father's feelings, prevented me from resuming the subject for
several days. At length, again, I mentioned it to my mother in
private; and, with some difficulty, got her to promise to assist me
with her endeavours. My father's reluctant consent was next
obtained, and then, though Mary still sighed her disapproval, my
dear, kind mother began to look out for a situation for me. She
wrote to my father's relations, and consulted the newspaper
advertisements - her own relations she had long dropped all
communication with: a formal interchange of occasional letters was
all she had ever had since her marriage, and she would not at any
time have applied to them in a case of this nature. But so long
and so entire had been my parents' seclusion from the world, that
many weeks elapsed before a suitable situation could be procured.
At last, to my great joy, it was decreed that I should take charge
of the young family of a certain Mrs. Bloomfield; whom my kind,
prim aunt Grey had known in her youth, and asserted to be a very
nice woman. Her husband was a retired tradesman, who had realized
a very comfortable fortune; but could not be prevailed upon to give
a greater salary than twenty-five pounds to the instructress of his
children. I, however, was glad to accept this, rather than refuse
the situation - which my parents were inclined to think the better
plan.
But some weeks more were yet to be devoted to preparation. How
long, how tedious those weeks appeared to me! Yet they were happy
ones in the main - full of bright hopes and ardent expectations.
With what peculiar pleasure I assisted at the making of my new
clothes, and, subsequently, the packing of my trunks! But there
was a feeling of bitterness mingling with the latter occupation
too; and when it was done - when all was ready for my departure on
the morrow, and the last night at home approached - a sudden
anguish seemed to swell my heart. My dear friends looked so sad,
and spoke so very kindly, that I could scarcely keep my eyes from
overflowing: but I still affected to be gay. I had taken my last
ramble with Mary on the moors, my last walk in the garden, and
round the house; I had fed, with her, our pet pigeons for the last
time - the pretty creatures that we had tamed to peck their food
from our hands: I had given a farewell stroke to all their silky
backs as they crowded in my lap. I had tenderly kissed my own
peculiar favourites, the pair of snow-white fantails; I had played
my last tune on the old familiar piano, and sung my last song to
papa: not the last, I hoped, but the last for what appeared to me
a very long time. And, perhaps, when I did these things again it
would be with different feelings: circumstances might be changed,
and this house might never be my settled home again. My dear
little friend, the kitten, would certainly be changed: she was
already growing a fine cat; and when I returned, even for a hasty
visit at Christmas, would, most likely, have forgotten both her
playmate and her merry pranks. I had romped with her for the last
time; and when I stroked her soft bright fur, while she lay purring
herself to sleep in my lap, it was with a feeling of sadness I
could not easily disguise. Then at bed-time, when I retired with
Mary to our quiet little chamber, where already my drawers were
cleared out and my share of the bookcase was empty - and where,
hereafter, she would have to sleep alone, in dreary solitude, as
she expressed it - my heart sank more than ever: I felt as if I
had been selfish and wrong to persist in leaving her; and when I
knelt once more beside our little bed, I prayed for a blessing on
her and on my parents more fervently than ever I had done before.
To conceal my emotion, I buried my face in my hands, and they were
presently bathed in tears. I perceived, on rising, that she had
been crying too: but neither of us spoke; and in silence we betook
ourselves to our repose, creeping more closely together from the
consciousness that we were to part so soon.
But the morning brought a renewal of hope and spirits. I was to
depart early; that the conveyance which took me (a gig, hired from
Mr. Smith, the draper, grocer, and tea-dealer of the village) might
return the same day. I rose, washed, dressed, swallowed a hasty
breakfast, received the fond embraces of my father, mother, and
sister, kissed the cat - to the great scandal of Sally, the maid -
shook hands with her, mounted the gig, drew my veil over my face,
and then, but not till then, burst into a flood of tears. The gig
rolled on; I looked back; my dear mother and sister were still
standing at the door, looking after me, and waving their adieux. I
returned their salute, and prayed God to bless them from my heart:
we descended the hill, and I could see them no more.
'It's a coldish mornin' for you, Miss Agnes,' observed Smith; 'and
a darksome 'un too; but we's happen get to yon spot afore there
come much rain to signify.'
'Yes, I hope so,' replied I, as calmly as I could.
'It's comed a good sup last night too.'
'Yes.'
'But this cold wind will happen keep it off.'
'Perhaps it will.'
Here ended our colloquy. We crossed the valley, and began to
ascend the opposite hill. As we were toiling up, I looked back
again; there was the village spire, and the old grey parsonage
beyond it, basking in a slanting beam of sunshine - it was but a
sickly ray, but the village and surrounding hills were all in
sombre shade, and I hailed the wandering beam as a propitious omen
to my home. With clasped hands I fervently implored a blessing on
its inhabitants, and hastily turned away; for I saw the sunshine
was departing; and I carefully avoided another glance, lest I
should see it in gloomy shadow, like the rest of the landscape.
CHAPTER II - FIRST LESSONS IN THE ART OF INSTRUCTION
AS we drove along, my spirits revived again, and I turned, with
pleasure, to the contemplation of the new life upon which I was
entering. But though it was not far past the middle of September,
the heavy clouds and strong north-easterly wind combined to render
the day extremely cold and dreary; and the journey seemed a very
long one, for, as Smith observed, the roads were 'very heavy'; and
certainly, his horse was very heavy too: it crawled up the hills,
and crept down them, and only condescended to shake its sides in a
trot where the road was at a dead level or a very gentle slope,
which was rarely the case in those rugged regions; so that it was
nearly one o'clock before we reached the place of our destination.
Yet, after all, when we entered the lofty iron gateway, when we
drove softly up the smooth, well-rolled carriage-road, with the
green lawn on each side, studded with young trees, and approached
the new but stately mansion of Wellwood, rising above its mushroom
poplar-groves, my heart failed me, and I wished it were a mile or
two farther off. For the first time in my life I must stand alone:
there was no retreating now. I must enter that house, and
introduce myself among its strange inhabitants. But how was it to
be done? True, I was near nineteen; but, thanks to my retired life
and the protecting care of my mother and sister, I well knew that
many a girl of fifteen, or under, was gifted with a more womanly
address, and greater ease and self-possession, than I was. Yet, if
Mrs. Bloomfield were a kind, motherly woman, I might do very well,
after all; and the children, of course, I should soon be at ease
with them - and Mr. Bloomfield, I hoped, I should have but little
to do with.
'Be calm, be calm, whatever happens,' I said within myself; and
truly I kept this resolution so well, and was so fully occupied in
steadying my nerves and stifling the rebellious flutter of my
heart, that when I was admitted into the hall and ushered into the
presence of Mrs. Bloomfield, I almost forgot to answer her polite
salutation; and it afterwards struck me, that the little I did say
was spoken in the tone of one half-dead or half-asleep. The lady,
too, was somewhat chilly in her manner, as I discovered when I had
time to reflect. She was a tall, spare, stately woman, with thick
black hair, cold grey eyes, and extremely sallow complexion.
With due politeness, however, she showed me my bedroom, and left me
there to take a little refreshment. I was somewhat dismayed at my
appearance on looking in the glass: the cold wind had swelled and
reddened my hands, uncurled and entangled my hair, and dyed my face
of a pale purple; add to this my collar was horridly crumpled, my
frock splashed with mud, my feet clad in stout new boots, and as
the trunks were not brought up, there was no remedy; so having
smoothed my hair as well as I could, and repeatedly twitched my
obdurate collar, I proceeded to clomp down the two flights of
stairs, philosophizing as I went; and with some difficulty found my
way into the room where Mrs. Bloomfield awaited me.
She led me into the dining-room, where the family luncheon had been
laid out. Some beefsteaks and half-cold potatoes were set before
me; and while I dined upon these, she sat opposite, watching me (as
I thought) and endeavouring to sustain something like a
conversation - consisting chiefly of a succession of commonplace
remarks, expressed with frigid formality: but this might be more
my fault than hers, for I really could NOT converse. In fact, my
attention was almost wholly absorbed in my dinner: not from
ravenous appetite, but from distress at the toughness of the
beefsteaks, and the numbness of my hands, almost palsied by their
five-hours' exposure to the bitter wind. I would gladly have eaten
the potatoes and let the meat alone, but having got a large piece
of the latter on to my plate, I could not be so impolite as to
leave it; so, after many awkward and unsuccessful attempts to cut
it with the knife, or tear it with the fork, or pull it asunder
between them, sensible that the awful lady was a spectator to the
whole transaction, I at last desperately grasped the knife and fork
in my fists, like a child of two years old, and fell to work with
all the little strength I possessed. But this needed some apology
- with a feeble attempt at a laugh, I said, 'My hands are so
benumbed with the cold that I can scarcely handle my knife and
fork.'
'I daresay you would find it cold,' replied she with a cool,
immutable gravity that did not serve to re-assure me.
When the ceremony was concluded, she led me into the sitting-room
again, where she rang and sent for the children.
'You will find them not very far advanced in their attainments,'
said she, 'for I have had so little time to attend to their
education myself, and we have thought them too young for a
governess till now; but I think they are clever children, and very
apt to learn, especially the little boy; he is, I think, the flower
of the flock - a generous, noble-spirited boy, one to be led, but
not driven, and remarkable for always speaking the truth. He seems
to scorn deception' (this was good news). 'His sister Mary Ann
will require watching,' continued she, 'but she is a very good girl
upon the whole; though I wish her to be kept out of the nursery as
much as possible, as she is now almost six years old, and might
acquire bad habits from the nurses. I have ordered her crib to be
placed in your room, and if you will be so kind as to overlook her
washing and dressing, and take charge of her clothes, she need have
nothing further to do with the nursery maid.'
I replied I was quite willing to do so; and at that moment my young
pupils entered the apartment, with their two younger sisters.
Master Tom Bloomfield was a well-grown boy of seven, with a
somewhat wiry frame, flaxen hair, blue eyes, small turned-up nose,
and fair complexion. Mary Ann was a tall girl too, somewhat dark
like her mother, but with a round full face and a high colour in
her cheeks. The second sister was Fanny, a very pretty little
girl; Mrs. Bloomfield assured me she was a remarkably gentle child,
and required encouragement: she had not learned anything yet; but
in a few days, she would be four years old, and then she might take
her first lesson in the alphabet, and be promoted to the
schoolroom. The remaining one was Harriet, a little broad, fat,
merry, playful thing of scarcely two, that I coveted more than all
the rest - but with her I had nothing to do.
I talked to my little pupils as well as I could, and tried to
render myself agreeable; but with little success I fear, for their
mother's presence kept me under an unpleasant restraint. They,
however, were remarkably free from shyness. They seemed bold,
lively children, and I hoped I should soon be on friendly terms
with them - the little boy especially, of whom I had heard such a
favourable character from his mamma. In Mary Ann there was a
certain affected simper, and a craving for notice, that I was sorry
to observe. But her brother claimed all my attention to himself;
he stood bolt upright between me and the fire, with his hands
behind his back, talking away like an orator, occasionally
interrupting his discourse with a sharp reproof to his sisters when
they made too much noise.
'Oh, Tom, what a darling you are!' exclaimed his mother. 'Come and
kiss dear mamma; and then won't you show Miss Grey your schoolroom,
and your nice new books?'
'I won't kiss YOU, mamma; but I WILL show Miss Grey my schoolroom,
and my new books.'
'And MY schoolroom, and MY new books, Tom,' said Mary Ann.
'They're mine too.'
'They're MINE,' replied he decisively. 'Come along, Miss Grey -
I'll escort you.'
When the room and books had been shown, with some bickerings
between the brother and sister that I did my utmost to appease or
mitigate, Mary Ann brought me her doll, and began to be very
loquacious on the subject of its fine clothes, its bed, its chest
of drawers, and other appurtenances; but Tom told her to hold her
clamour, that Miss Grey might see his rocking-horse, which, with a
most important bustle, he dragged forth from its corner into the
middle of the room, loudly calling on me to attend to it. Then,
ordering his sister to hold the reins, he mounted, and made me
stand for ten minutes, watching how manfully he used his whip and
spurs. Meantime, however, I admired Mary Ann's pretty doll, and
all its possessions; and then told Master Tom he was a capital
rider, but I hoped he would not use his whip and spurs so much when
he rode a real pony.
'Oh, yes, I will!' said he, laying on with redoubled ardour. 'I'll
cut into him like smoke! Eeh! my word! but he shall sweat for it.'
This was very shocking; but I hoped in time to be able to work a
reformation.
'Now you must put on your bonnet and shawl,' said the little hero,
'and I'll show you my garden.'
'And MINE,' said Mary Ann.
Tom lifted his fist with a menacing gesture; she uttered a loud,
shrill scream, ran to the other side of me, and made a face at him.
'Surely, Tom, you would not strike your sister! I hope I shall
NEVER see you do that.'
'You will sometimes: I'm obliged to do it now and then to keep her
in order.'
'But it is not your business to keep her in order, you know - that
is for - '
'Well, now go and put on your bonnet.'
'I don't know - it is so very cloudy and cold, it seems likely to
rain; - and you know I have had a long drive.'
'No matter - you MUST come; I shall allow of no excuses,' replied
the consequential little gentleman. And, as it was the first day
of our acquaintance, I thought I might as well indulge him. It was
too cold for Mary Ann to venture, so she stayed with her mamma, to
the great relief of her brother, who liked to have me all to
himself.
The garden was a large one, and tastefully laid out; besides
several splendid dahlias, there were some other fine flowers still
in bloom: but my companion would not give me time to examine them:
I must go with him, across the wet grass, to a remote sequestered
corner, the most important place in the grounds, because it
contained HIS garden. There were two round beds, stocked with a
variety of plants. In one there was a pretty little rose-tree. I
paused to admire its lovely blossoms.
'Oh, never mind that!' said he, contemptuously. 'That's only MARY
ANN'S garden; look, THIS is mine.'
After I had observed every flower, and listened to a disquisition
on every plant, I was permitted to depart; but first, with great
pomp, he plucked a polyanthus and presented it to me, as one
conferring a prodigious favour. I observed, on the grass about his
garden, certain apparatus of sticks and corn, and asked what they
were.
'Traps for birds.'
'Why do you catch them?'
'Papa says they do harm.'
'And what do you do with them when you catch them?'
'Different things. Sometimes I give them to the cat; sometimes I
cut them in pieces with my penknife; but the next, I mean to roast
alive.'
'And why do you mean to do such a horrible thing?'
'For two reasons: first, to see how long it will live - and then,
to see what it will taste like.'
'But don't you know it is extremely wicked to do such things?
Remember, the birds can feel as well as you; and think, how would
you like it yourself?'
'Oh, that's nothing! I'm not a bird, and I can't feel what I do to
them.'
'But you will have to feel it some time, Tom: you have heard where
wicked people go to when they die; and if you don't leave off
torturing innocent birds, remember, you will have to go there, and
suffer just what you have made them suffer.'
'Oh, pooh! I shan't. Papa knows how I treat them, and he never
blames me for it: he says it is just what HE used to do when HE
was a boy. Last summer, he gave me a nest full of young sparrows,
and he saw me pulling off their legs and wings, and heads, and
never said anything; except that they were nasty things, and I must
not let them soil my trousers: end Uncle Robson was there too, and
he laughed, and said I was a fine boy.'
'But what would your mamma say?'
'Oh, she doesn't care! she says it's a pity to kill the pretty
singing birds, but the naughty sparrows, and mice, and rats, I may
do what I like with. So now, Miss Grey, you see it is NOT wicked.'
'I still think it is, Tom; and perhaps your papa and mamma would
think so too, if they thought much about it. However,' I
internally added, 'they may say what they please, but I am
determined you shall do nothing of the kind, as long as I have
power to prevent it.'
He next took me across the lawn to see his mole-traps, and then
into the stack-yard to see his weasel-traps: one of which, to his
great joy, contained a dead weasel; and then into the stable to
see, not the fine carriage-horses, but a little rough colt, which
he informed me had been bred on purpose for him, and he was to ride
it as soon as it was properly trained. I tried to amuse the little
fellow, and listened to all his chatter as complacently as I could;
for I thought if he had any affections at all, I would endeavour to
win them; and then, in time, I might be able to show him the error
of his ways: but I looked in vain for that generous, noble spirit
his mother talked of; though I could see he was not without a
certain degree of quickness and penetration, when he chose to exert
it.
When we re-entered the house it was nearly tea-time. Master Tom
told me that, as papa was from home, he and I and Mary Ann were to
have tea with mamma, for a treat; for, on such occasions, she
always dined at luncheon-time with them, instead of at six o'clock.
Soon after tea, Mary Ann went to bed, but Tom favoured us with his
company and conversation till eight. After he was gone, Mrs.
Bloomfield further enlightened me on the subject of her children's
dispositions and acquirements, and on what they were to learn, and
how they were to be managed, and cautioned me to mention their
defects to no one but herself. My mother had warned me before to
mention them as little as possible to HER, for people did not like
to be told of their children's faults, and so I concluded I was to
keep silence on them altogether. About half-past nine, Mrs.
Bloomfield invited me to partake of a frugal supper of cold meat
and bread. I was glad when that was over, and she took her bedroom
candlestick and retired to rest; for though I wished to be pleased
with her, her company was extremely irksome to me; and I could not
help feeling that she was cold, grave, and forbidding - the very
opposite of the kind, warm-hearted matron my hopes had depicted her
to be.
CHAPTER III - A FEW MORE LESSONS
I ROSE next morning with a feeling of hopeful exhilaration, in
spite of the disappointments already experienced; but I found the
dressing of Mary Ann was no light matter, as her abundant hair was
to be smeared with pomade, plaited in three long tails, and tied
with bows of ribbon: a task my unaccustomed fingers found great
difficulty in performing. She told me her nurse could do it in
half the time, and, by keeping up a constant fidget of impatience,
contrived to render me still longer. When all was done, we went
into the schoolroom, where I met my other pupil, and chatted with
the two till it was time to go down to breakfast. That meal being
concluded, and a few civil words having been exchanged with Mrs.
Bloomfield, we repaired to the schoolroom again, and commenced the
business of the day. I found my pupils very backward, indeed; but
Tom, though averse to every species of mental exertion, was not
without abilities. Mary Ann could scarcely read a word, and was so
careless and inattentive that I could hardly get on with her at
all. However, by dint of great labour and patience, I managed to
get something done in the course of the morning, and then
accompanied my young charge out into the garden and adjacent
grounds, for a little recreation before dinner. There we got along
tolerably together, except that I found they had no notion of going
with me: I must go with them, wherever they chose to lead me. I
must run, walk, or stand, exactly as it suited their fancy. This,
I thought, was reversing the order of things; and I found it doubly
disagreeable, as on this as well as subsequent occasions, they
seemed to prefer the dirtiest places and the most dismal
occupations. But there was no remedy; either I must follow them,
or keep entirely apart from them, and thus appear neglectful of my
charge. To-day, they manifested a particular attachment to a well
at the bottom of the lawn, where they persisted in dabbling with
sticks and pebbles for above half an hour. I was in constant fear
that their mother would see them from the window, and blame me for
allowing them thus to draggle their clothes and wet their feet and
hands, instead of taking exercise; but no arguments, commands, or
entreaties could draw them away. If SHE did not see them, some one
else did - a gentleman on horseback had entered the gate and was
proceeding up the road; at the distance of a few paces from us he
paused, and calling to the children in a waspish penetrating tone,
bade them 'keep out of that water.' 'Miss Grey,' said he, '(I
suppose it IS Miss Grey), I am surprised that you should allow them
to dirty their clothes in that manner! Don't you see how Miss
Bloomfield has soiled her frock? and that Master Bloomfield's socks
are quite wet? and both of them without gloves? Dear, dear! Let
me REQUEST that in future you will keep them DECENT at least!' so
saying, he turned away, and continued his ride up to the house.
This was Mr. Bloomfield. I was surprised that he should nominate
his children Master and Miss Bloomfield; and still more so, that he
should speak so uncivilly to me, their governess, and a perfect
stranger to himself. Presently the bell rang to summon us in. I
dined with the children at one, while he and his lady took their
luncheon at the same table. His conduct there did not greatly
raise him in my estimation. He was a man of ordinary stature -
rather below than above - and rather thin than stout, apparently
between thirty and forty years of age: he had a large mouth, pale,
dingy complexion, milky blue eyes, and hair the colour of a hempen
cord. There was a roast leg of mutton before him: he helped Mrs.
Bloomfield, the children, and me, desiring me to cut up the
children's meat; then, after twisting about the mutton in various
directions, and eyeing it from different points, he pronounced it
not fit to be eaten, and called for the cold beef.
'What is the matter with the mutton, my dear?' asked his mate.
'It is quite overdone. Don't you taste, Mrs. Bloomfield, that all
the goodness is roasted out of it? And can't you see that all that
nice, red gravy is completely dried away?'
'Well, I think the BEEF will suit you.'
The beef was set before him, and he began to carve, but with the
most rueful expressions of discontent.
'What is the matter with the BEEF, Mr. Bloomfield? I'm sure I
thought it was very nice.'
'And so it WAS very nice. A nicer joint could not be; but it is
QUITE spoiled,' replied he, dolefully.
'How so?'
'How so! Why, don't you see how it is cut? Dear - dear! it is
quite shocking!'
'They must have cut it wrong in the kitchen, then, for I'm sure I
carved it quite properly here, yesterday.'
'No DOUBT they cut it wrong in the kitchen - the savages! Dear -
dear! Did ever any one see such a fine piece of beef so completely
ruined? But remember that, in future, when a decent dish leaves
this table, they shall not TOUCH it in the kitchen. Remember THAT,
Mrs. Bloomfield!'
Notwithstanding the ruinous state of the beef, the gentleman
managed to out himself some delicate slices, part of which he ate
in silence. When he next spoke, it was, in a less querulous tone,
to ask what there was for dinner.
'Turkey and grouse,' was the concise reply.
'And what besides?'
'Fish.'
'What kind of fish?'
'I don't know.'
'YOU DON'T KNOW?' cried he, looking solemnly up from his plate, and
suspending his knife and fork in astonishment.
'No. I told the cook to get some fish - I did not particularize
what.'
'Well, that beats everything! A lady professes to keep house, and
doesn't even know what fish is for dinner! professes to order fish,
and doesn't specify what!'
'Perhaps, Mr. Bloomfield, you will order dinner yourself in
future.'
Nothing more was said; and I was very glad to get out of the room
with my pupils; for I never felt so ashamed and uncomfortable in my
life for anything that was not my own fault.
In the afternoon we applied to lessons again: then went out again;
then had tea in the schoolroom; then I dressed Mary Ann for
dessert; and when she and her brother had gone down to the diningroom,
I took the opportunity of beginning a letter to my dear
friends at home: but the children came up before I had half
completed it. At seven I had to put Mary Ann to bed; then I played
with Tom till eight, when he, too, went; and I finished my letter
and unpacked my clothes, which I had hitherto found no opportunity
for doing, and, finally, went to bed myself.
But this is a very favourable specimen of a day's proceedings.
My task of instruction and surveillance, instead of becoming easier
as my charges and I got better accustomed to each other, became
more arduous as their characters unfolded. The name of governess,
I soon found, was a mere mockery as applied to me: my pupils had
no more notion of obedience than a wild, unbroken colt. The
habitual fear of their father's peevish temper, and the dread of
the punishments he was wont to inflict when irritated, kept them
generally within bounds in his immediate presence. The girls, too,
had some fear of their mother's anger; and the boy might
occasionally be bribed to do as she bid him by the hope of reward;
but I had no rewards to offer; and as for punishments, I was given
to understand, the parents reserved that privilege to themselves;
and yet they expected me to keep my pupils in order. Other
children might be guided by the fear of anger and the desire of
approbation; but neither the one nor the other had any effect upon
these.
Master Tom, not content with refusing to be ruled, must needs set
up as a ruler, and manifested a determination to keep, not only his
sisters, but his governess in order, by violent manual and pedal
applications; and, as he was a tall, strong boy of his years, this
occasioned no trifling inconvenience. A few sound boxes on the
ear, on such occasions, might have settled the matter easily
enough: but as, in that case, he might make up some story to his
mother which she would be sure to believe, as she had such unshaken
faith in his veracity - though I had already discovered it to be by
no means unimpeachable - I determined to refrain from striking him,
even in self-defence; and, in his most violent moods, my only
resource was to throw him on his back and hold his hands and feet
till the frenzy was somewhat abated. To the difficulty of
preventing him from doing what he ought not, was added that of
forcing him to do what he ought. Often he would positively refuse
to learn, or to repeat his lessons, or even to look at his book.
Here, again, a good birch rod might have been serviceable; but, as
my powers were so limited, I must make the best use of what I had.
As there were no settled hours for study and play, I resolved to
give my pupils a certain task, which, with moderate attention, they
could perform in a short time; and till this was done, however
weary I was, or however perverse they might be, nothing short of
parental interference should induce me to suffer them to leave the
schoolroom, even if I should sit with my chair against the door to
keep them in. Patience, Firmness, and Perseverance were my only
weapons; and these I resolved to use to the utmost. I determined
always strictly to fulfil the threats and promises I made; and, to
that end, I must be cautious to threaten and promise nothing that I
could not perform. Then, I would carefully refrain from all
useless irritability and indulgence of my own ill-temper: when
they behaved tolerably, I would be as kind and obliging as it was
in my power to be, in order to make the widest possible distinction
between good and bad conduct; I would reason with them, too, in the
simplest and most effective manner. When I reproved them, or
refused to gratify their wishes, after a glaring fault, it should
be more in sorrow than in anger: their little hymns and prayers I
would make plain and clear to their understanding; when they said
their prayers at night and asked pardon for their offences, I would
remind them of the sins of the past day, solemnly, but in perfect
kindness, to avoid raising a spirit of opposition; penitential
hymns should be said by the naughty, cheerful ones by the
comparatively good; and every kind of instruction I would convey to
them, as much as possible, by entertaining discourse - apparently
with no other object than their present amusement in view.
By these means I hoped in time both to benefit the children and to
gain the approbation of their parents; and also to convince my
friends at home that I was not so wanting in skill and prudence as
they supposed. I knew the difficulties I had to contend with were
great; but I knew (at least I believed) unremitting patience and
perseverance could overcome them; and night and morning I implored
Divine assistance to this end. But either the children were so
incorrigible, the parents so unreasonable, or myself so mistaken in
my views, or so unable to carry them out, that my best intentions
and most strenuous efforts seemed productive of no better result
than sport to the children, dissatisfaction to their parents, and
torment to myself.
The task of instruction was as arduous for the body as the mind. I
had to run after my pupils to catch them, to carry or drag them to
the table, and often forcibly to hold them there till the lesson
was done. Tom I frequently put into a corner, seating myself
before him in a chair, with a book which contained the little task
that must be said or read, before he was released, in my hand. He
was not strong enough to push both me and the chair away, so he
would stand twisting his body and face into the most grotesque and
singular contortions - laughable, no doubt, to an unconcerned
spectator, but not to me - and uttering loud yells and doleful
outcries, intended to represent weeping but wholly without the
accompaniment of tears. I knew this was done solely for the
purpose of annoying me; and, therefore, however I might inwardly
tremble with impatience and irritation, I manfully strove to
suppress all visible signs of molestation, and affected to sit with
calm indifference, waiting till it should please him to cease this
pastime, and prepare for a run in the garden, by casting his eye on
the book and reading or repeating the few words he was required to
say. Sometimes he was determined to do his writing badly; and I
had to hold his hand to prevent him from purposely blotting or
disfiguring the paper. Frequently I threatened that, if he did not
do better, he should have another line: then he would stubbornly
refuse to write this line; and I, to save my word, had finally to
resort to the expedient of holding his fingers upon the pen, and
forcibly drawing his hand up and down, till, in spite of his
resistance, the line was in some sort completed.
Yet Tom was by no means the most unmanageable of my pupils:
sometimes, to my great joy, he would have the sense to see that his
wisest policy was to finish his tasks, and go out and amuse himself
till I and his sisters came to join him; which frequently was not
at all, for Mary Ann seldom followed his example in this
particular: she apparently preferred rolling on the floor to any
other amusement: down she would drop like a leaden weight; and
when I, with great difficulty, had succeeded in rooting her thence,
I had still to hold her up with one arm, while with the other I
held the book from which she was to read or spell her lesson. As
the dead weight of the big girl of six became too heavy for one arm
to bear, I transferred it to the other; or, if both were weary of
the burden, I carried her into a corner, and told her she might
come out when she should find the use of her feet, and stand up:
but she generally preferred lying there like a log till dinner or
teatime, when, as I could not deprive her of her meals, she must be
liberated, and would come crawling out with a grin of triumph on
her round, red face. Often she would stubbornly refuse to
pronounce some particular word in her lesson; and now I regret the
lost labour I have had in striving to conquer her obstinacy. If I
had passed it over as a matter of no consequence, it would have
been better for both parties, than vainly striving to overcome it
as I did; but I thought it my absolute duty to crush this vicious
tendency in the bud: and so it was, if I could have done it; and
had my powers been less limited, I might have enforced obedience;
but, as it was, it was a trial of strength between her and me, in
which she generally came off victorious; and every victory served
to encourage and strengthen her for a future contest. In vain I
argued, coaxed, entreated, threatened, scolded; in vain I kept her
in from play, or, if obliged to take her out, refused to play with
her, or to speak kindly or have anything to do with her; in vain I
tried to set before her the advantages of doing as she was bid, and
being loved, and kindly treated in consequence, and the
disadvantages of persisting in her absurd perversity. Sometimes,
when she would ask me to do something for her, I would answer, -
'Yes, I will, Mary Ann, if you will only say that word. Come!
you'd better say it at once, and have no more trouble about it.'
'No.'
'Then, of course, I can do nothing for you.'
With me, at her age, or under, neglect and disgrace were the most
dreadful of punishments; but on her they made no impression.
Sometimes, exasperated to the utmost pitch, I would shake her
violently by the shoulder, or pull her long hair, or put her in the
corner; for which she punished me with loud, shrill, piercing
screams, that went through my head like a knife. She knew I hated
this, and when she had shrieked her utmost, would look into my face
with an air of vindictive satisfaction, exclaiming, - 'NOW, then!
THAT'S for you!' and then shriek again and again, till I was forced
to stop my ears. Often these dreadful cries would bring Mrs.
Bloomfield up to inquire what was the matter?
'Mary Ann is a naughty girl, ma'am.'
'But what are these shocking screams?'
'She is screaming in a passion.'
'I never heard such a dreadful noise! You might be killing her.
Why is she not out with her brother?'
'I cannot get her to finish her lessons.'
'But Mary Ann must be a GOOD girl, and finish her lessons.' This
was blandly spoken to the child. 'And I hope I shall NEVER hear
such terrible cries again!'
And fixing her cold, stony eyes upon me with a look that could not
be mistaken, she would shut the door, and walk away. Sometimes I
would try to take the little obstinate creature by surprise, and
casually ask her the word while she was thinking of something else;
frequently she would begin to say it, and then suddenly cheek
herself, with a provoking look that seemed to say, 'Ah! I'm too
sharp for you; you shan't trick it out of me, either.'
On another occasion, I pretended to forget the whole affair; and
talked and played with her as usual, till night, when I put her to
bed; then bending over her, while she lay all smiles and good
humour, just before departing, I said, as cheerfully and kindly as
before - 'Now, Mary Ann, just tell me that word before I kiss you
good-night. You are a good girl now, and, of course, you will say
it.'
'No, I won't.'
'Then I can't kiss you.'
'Well, I don't care.'
In vain I expressed my sorrow; in vain I lingered for some symptom
of contrition; she really 'didn't care,' and I left her alone, and
in darkness, wondering most of all at this last proof of insensate
stubbornness. In MY childhood I could not imagine a more
afflictive punishment than for my mother to refuse to kiss me at
night: the very idea was terrible. More than the idea I never
felt, for, happily, I never committed a fault that was deemed
worthy of such penalty; but once I remember, for some transgression
of my sister's, our mother thought proper to inflict it upon her:
what SHE felt, I cannot tell; but my sympathetic tears and
suffering for her sake I shall not soon forget.
Another troublesome trait in Mary Ann was her incorrigible
propensity to keep running into the nursery, to play with her
little sisters and the nurse. This was natural enough, but, as it
was against her mother's express desire, I, of course, forbade her
to do so, and did my utmost to keep her with me; but that only
increased her relish for the nursery, and the more I strove to keep
her out of it, the oftener she went, and the longer she stayed, to
the great dissatisfaction of Mrs. Bloomfield, who, I well knew,
would impute all the blame of the matter to me. Another of my
trials was the dressing in the morning: at one time she would not
be washed; at another she would not be dressed, unless she might
wear some particular frock, that I knew her mother would not like
her to have; at another she would scream and run away if I
attempted to touch her hair. So that, frequently, when, after much
trouble and toil, I had, at length, succeeded in bringing her down,
the breakfast was nearly half over; and black looks from 'mamma,'
and testy observations from 'papa,' spoken at me, if not to me,
were sure to be my meed: for few things irritated the latter so
much as want of punctuality at meal times. Then, among the minor
annoyances, was my inability to satisfy Mrs. Bloomfield with her
daughter's dress; and the child's hair 'was never fit to be seen.'
Sometimes, as a powerful reproach to me, she would perform the
office of tire woman herself, and then complain bitterly of the
trouble it gave her.
When little Fanny came into the schoolroom, I hoped she would be
mild and inoffensive, at least; but a few days, if not a few hours,
sufficed to destroy the illusion: I found her a mischievous,
intractable little creature, given up to falsehood and deception,
young as she was, and alarmingly fond of exercising her two
favourite weapons of offence and defence: that of spitting in the
faces of those who incurred her displeasure, and bellowing like a
bull when her unreasonable desires were not gratified. As she,
generally, was pretty quiet in her parents' presence, and they were
impressed with the notion of her being a remarkably gentle child,
her falsehoods were readily believed, and her loud uproars led them
to suspect harsh and injudicious treatment on my part; and when, at
length, her bad disposition became manifest even to their
prejudiced eyes, I felt that the whole was attributed to me.
'What a naughty girl Fanny is getting!' Mrs. Bloomfield would say
to her spouse. 'Don't you observe, my dear, how she is altered
since she entered the schoolroom? She will soon be as bad as the
other two; and, I am sorry to say, they have quite deteriorated of
late.'
'You may say that,' was the answer. 'I've been thinking that same
myself. I thought when we got them a governess they'd improve;
but, instead of that, they get worse and worse: I don't know how
it is with their learning, but their habits, I know, make no sort
of improvement; they get rougher, and dirtier, and more unseemly
every day.'
I knew this was all pointed at me; and these, and all similar
innuendoes, affected me far more deeply than any open accusations
would have done; for against the latter I should have been roused
to speak in my own defence: now I judged it my wisest plan to
subdue every resentful impulse, suppress every sensitive shrinking,
and go on perseveringly, doing my best; for, irksome as my
situation was, I earnestly wished to retain it. I thought, if I
could struggle on with unremitting firmness and integrity, the
children would in time become more humanized: every month would
contribute to make them some little wiser, and, consequently, more
manageable; for a child of nine or ten as frantic and ungovernable
as these at six and seven would be a maniac.
I flattered myself I was benefiting my parents and sister by my
continuance here; for small as the salary was, I still was earning
something, and with strict economy I could easily manage to have
something to spare for them, if they would favour me by taking it.
Then it was by my own will that I had got the place: I had brought
all this tribulation on myself, and I was determined to bear it;
nay, more than that, I did not even regret the step I had taken. I
longed to show my friends that, even now, I was competent to
undertake the charge, and able to acquit myself honourably to the
end; and if ever I felt it degrading to submit so quietly, or
intolerable to toil so constantly, I would turn towards my home,
and say within myself -
They may crush, but they shall not subdue me!
'Tis of thee that I think, not of them.
About Christmas I was allowed to visit home; but my holiday was
only of a fortnight's duration: 'For,' said Mrs. Bloomfield, 'I
thought, as you had seen your friends so lately, you would not care
for a longer stay.' I left her to think so still: but she little
knew how long, how wearisome those fourteen weeks of absence had
been to me; how intensely I had longed for my holidays, how greatly
I was disappointed at their curtailment. Yet she was not to blame
in this. I had never told her my feelings, and she could not be
expected to divine them; I had not been with her a full term, and
she was justified in not allowing me a full vacation.
CHAPTER IV - THE GRANDMAMMA
I SPARE my readers the account of my delight on coming home, my
happiness while there - enjoying a brief space of rest and liberty
in that dear, familiar place, among the loving and the loved - and
my sorrow on being obliged to bid them, once more, a long adieu.
I returned, however, with unabated vigour to my work - a more
arduous task than anyone can imagine, who has not felt something
like the misery of being charged with the care and direction of a
set of mischievous, turbulent rebels, whom his utmost exertions
cannot bind to their duty; while, at the same time, he is
responsible for their conduct to a higher power, who exacts from
him what cannot be achieved without the aid of the superior's more
potent authority; which, either from indolence, or the fear of
becoming unpopular with the said rebellious gang, the latter
refuses to give. I can conceive few situations more harassing than
that wherein, however you may long for success, however you may
labour to fulfil your duty, your efforts are baffled and set at
nought by those beneath you, and unjustly censured and misjudged by
those above.
I have not enumerated half the vexatious propensities of my pupils,
or half the troubles resulting from my heavy responsibilities, for
fear of trespassing too much upon the reader's patience; as,
perhaps, I have already done; but my design in writing the few last
pages was not to amuse, but to benefit those whom it might concern;
he that has no interest in such matters will doubtless have skipped
them over with a cursory glance, and, perhaps, a malediction
against the prolixity of the writer; but if a parent has,
therefrom, gathered any useful hint, or an unfortunate governess
received thereby the slightest benefit, I am well rewarded for my
pains.
To avoid trouble and confusion, I have taken my pupils one by one,
and discussed their various qualities; but this can give no
adequate idea of being worried by the whole three together; when,
as was often the case, all were determined to 'be naughty, and to
tease Miss Grey, and put her in a passion.'
Sometimes, on such occasions, the thought has suddenly occurred to
me - 'If they could see me now!' meaning, of course, my friends at
home; and the idea of how they would pity me has made me pity
myself - so greatly that I have had the utmost difficulty to
restrain my tears: but I have restrained them, till my little
tormentors were gone to dessert, or cleared off to bed (my only
prospects of deliverance), and then, in all the bliss of solitude,
I have given myself up to the luxury of an unrestricted burst of
weeping. But this was a weakness I did not often indulge: my
employments were too numerous, my leisure moments too precious, to
admit of much time being given to fruitless lamentations.
I particularly remember one wild, snowy afternoon, soon after my
return in January: the children had all come up from dinner,
loudly declaring that they meant 'to be naughty;' and they had well
kept their resolution, though I had talked myself hoarse, and
wearied every muscle in my throat, in the vain attempt to reason
them out of it. I had got Tom pinned up in a corner, whence, I
told him, he should not escape till he had done his appointed task.
Meantime, Fanny had possessed herself of my work-bag, and was
rifling its contents - and spitting into it besides. I told her to
let it alone, but to no purpose, of course. 'Burn it, Fanny!'
cried Tom: and THIS command she hastened to obey. I sprang to
snatch it from the fire, and Tom darted to the door. 'Mary Ann,
throw her desk out of the window!' cried he: and my precious desk,
containing my letters and papers, my small amount of cash, and all
my valuables, was about to be precipitated from the three-storey
window. I flew to rescue it. Meanwhile Tom had left the room, and
was rushing down the stairs, followed by Fanny. Having secured my
desk, I ran to catch them, and Mary Ann came scampering after. All
three escaped me, and ran out of the house into the garden, where
they plunged about in the snow, shouting and screaming in exultant
glee.
What must I do? If I followed them, I should probably be unable to
capture one, and only drive them farther away; if I did not, how
was I to get them in? And what would their parents think of me, if
they saw or heard the children rioting, hatless, bonnetless,
gloveless, and bootless, in the deep soft snow? While I stood in
this perplexity, just without the door, trying, by grim looks and
angry words, to awe them into subjection, I heard a voice behind
me, in harshly piercing tones, exclaiming, -
'Miss Grey! Is it possible? What, in the devil's name, can you be
thinking about?'
'I can't get them in, sir,' said I, turning round, and beholding
Mr. Bloomfield, with his hair on end, and his pale blue eyes
bolting from their sockets.
'But I INSIST upon their being got in!' cried he, approaching
nearer, and looking perfectly ferocious.
'Then, sir, you must call them yourself, if you please, for they
won't listen to me,' I replied, stepping back.
'Come in with you, you filthy brats; or I'll horsewhip you every
one!' roared he; and the children instantly obeyed. 'There, you
see! - they come at the first word!'
'Yes, when YOU speak.'
'And it's very strange, that when you've the care of 'em you've no
better control over 'em than that! - Now, there they are - gone upstairs
with their nasty snowy feet! Do go after 'em and see them
made decent, for heaven's sake!'
That gentleman's mother was then staying in the house; and, as I
ascended the stairs and passed the drawing-room door, I had the
satisfaction of hearing the old lady declaiming aloud to her
daughter-in-law to this effect (for I could only distinguish the
most emphatic words) -
'Gracious heavens! - never in all my life - ! - get their death as
sure as - ! Do you think, my dear, she's a PROPER PERSON? Take my
word for it - '
I heard no more; but that sufficed.
The senior Mrs. Bloomfield had been very attentive and civil to me;
and till now I had thought her a nice, kind-hearted, chatty old
body. She would often come to me and talk in a confidential
strain; nodding and shaking her head, and gesticulating with hands
and eyes, as a certain class of old ladies are won't to do; though
I never knew one that carried the peculiarity to so great an
extent. She would even sympathise with me for the trouble I had
with the children, and express at times, by half sentences,
interspersed with nods and knowing winks, her sense of the
injudicious conduct of their mamma in so restricting my power, and
neglecting to support me with her authority. Such a mode of
testifying disapprobation was not much to my taste; and I generally
refused to take it in, or understand anything more than was openly
spoken; at least, I never went farther than an implied
acknowledgment that, if matters were otherwise ordered my task
would be a less difficult one, and I should be better able to guide
and instruct my charge; but now I must be doubly cautious.
Hitherto, though I saw the old lady had her defects (of which one
was a proneness to proclaim her perfections), I had always been
wishful to excuse them, and to give her credit for all the virtues
she professed, and even imagine others yet untold. Kindness, which
had been the food of my life through so many years, had lately been
so entirely denied me, that I welcomed with grateful joy the
slightest semblance of it. No wonder, then, that my heart warmed
to the old lady, and always gladdened at her approach and regretted
her departure.
But now, the few words luckily or unluckily heard in passing had
wholly revolutionized my ideas respecting her: now I looked upon
her as hypocritical and insincere, a flatterer, and a spy upon my
words and deeds. Doubtless it would have been my interest still to
meet her with the same cheerful smile and tone of respectful
cordiality as before; but I could not, if I would: my manner
altered with my feelings, and became so cold and shy that she could
not fail to notice it. She soon did notice it, and HER manner
altered too: the familiar nod was changed to a stiff bow, the
gracious smile gave place to a glare of Gorgon ferocity; her
vivacious loquacity was entirely transferred from me to 'the
darling boy and girls,' whom she flattered and indulged more
absurdly than ever their mother had done.
I confess I was somewhat troubled at this change: I feared the
consequences of her displeasure, and even made some efforts to
recover the ground I had lost - and with better apparent success
than I could have anticipated. At one time, I, merely in common
civility, asked after her cough; immediately her long visage
relaxed into a smile, and she favoured me with a particular history
of that and her other infirmities, followed by an account of her
pious resignation, delivered in the usual emphatic, declamatory
style, which no writing can portray.
'But there's one remedy for all, my dear, and that's resignation'
(a toss of the head), 'resignation to the will of heaven!' (an
uplifting of the hands and eyes). 'It has always supported me
through all my trials, and always will do' (a succession of nods).
'But then, it isn't everybody that can say that' (a shake of the
head); 'but I'm one of the pious ones, Miss Grey!' (a very
significant nod and toss). 'And, thank heaven, I always was'
(another nod), 'and I glory in it!' (an emphatic clasping of the
hands and shaking of the head). And with several texts of
Scripture, misquoted or misapplied, and religious exclamations so
redolent of the ludicrous in the style of delivery and manner of
bringing in, if not in the expressions themselves, that I decline
repeating them, she withdrew; tossing her large head in high goodhumour
- with herself at least - and left me hoping that, after
all, she was rather weak than wicked.
At her next visit to Wellwood House, I went so far as to say I was
glad to see her looking so well. The effect of this was magical:
the words, intended as a mark of civility, were received as a
flattering compliment; her countenance brightened up, and from that
moment she became as gracious and benign as heart could wish - in
outward semblance at least. From what I now saw of her, and what I
heard from the children, I know that, in order to gain her cordial
friendship, I had but to utter a word of flattery at each
convenient opportunity: but this was against my principles; and
for lack of this, the capricious old dame soon deprived me of her
favour again, and I believe did me much secret injury.
She could not greatly influence her daughter-in-law against me,
because, between that lady and herself there was a mutual dislike -
chiefly shown by her in secret detractions and calumniations; by
the other, in an excess of frigid formality in her demeanour; and
no fawning flattery of the elder could thaw away the wall of ice
which the younger interposed between them. But with her son, the
old lady had better success: he would listen to all she had to
say, provided she could soothe his fretful temper, and refrain from
irritating him by her own asperities; and I have reason to believe
that she considerably strengthened his prejudice against me. She
would tell him that I shamefully neglected the children, and even
his wife did not attend to them as she ought; and that he must look
after them himself, or they would all go to ruin.
Thus urged, he would frequently give himself the trouble of
watching them from the windows during their play; at times, he
would follow them through the grounds, and too often came suddenly
upon them while they were dabbling in the forbidden well, talking
to the coachman in the stables, or revelling in the filth of the
farm-yard - and I, meanwhile, wearily standing, by, having
previously exhausted my energy in vain attempts to get them away.
Often, too, he would unexpectedly pop his head into the schoolroom
while the young people were at meals, and find them spilling their
milk over the table and themselves, plunging their fingers into
their own or each other's mugs, or quarrelling over their victuals
like a set of tiger's cubs. If I were quiet at the moment, I was
conniving at their disorderly conduct; if (as was frequently the
case) I happened to be exalting my voice to enforce order, I was
using undue violence, and setting the girls a bad example by such
ungentleness of tone and language.
I remember one afternoon in spring, when, owing to the rain, they
could not go out; but, by some amazing good fortune, they had all
finished their lessons, and yet abstained from running down to
tease their parents - a trick that annoyed me greatly, but which,
on rainy days, I seldom could prevent their doing; because, below,
they found novelty and amusement - especially when visitors were in
the house; and their mother, though she bid me keep them in the
schoolroom, would never chide them for leaving it, or trouble
herself to send them back. But this day they appeared satisfied
with, their present abode, and what is more wonderful still, seemed
disposed to play together without depending on me for amusement,
and without quarrelling with each other. Their occupation was a
somewhat puzzling one: they were all squatted together on the
floor by the window, over a heap of broken toys and a quantity of
birds' eggs - or rather egg-shells, for the contents had luckily
been abstracted. These shells they had broken up and were pounding
into small fragments, to what end I could not imagine; but so long
as they were quiet and not in positive mischief, I did not care;
and, with a feeling of unusual repose, I sat by the fire, putting
the finishing stitches to a frock for Mary Ann's doll; intending,
when that was done, to begin a letter to my mother. Suddenly the
door opened, and the dingy head of Mr. Bloomfield looked in.
'All very quiet here! What are you doing?' said he. 'No harm TODAY,
at least,' thought I. But he was of a different opinion.
Advancing to the window, and seeing the children's occupations, he
testily exclaimed - 'What in the world are you about?'
'We're grinding egg-shells, papa!' cried Tom.
'How DARE you make such a mess, you little devils? Don't you see
what confounded work you're making of the carpet?' (the carpet was
a plain brown drugget). 'Miss Grey, did you know what they were
doing?'
'Yes, sir.'
'You knew it?'
'Yes.'
'You knew it! and you actually sat there and permitted them to go
on without a word of reproof!'
'I didn't think they were doing any harm.'
'Any harm! Why, look there! Just look at that carpet, and see -
was there ever anything like it in a Christian house before? No
wonder your room is not fit for a pigsty - no wonder your pupils
are worse than a litter of pigs! - no wonder - oh! I declare, it
puts me quite past my patience' and he departed, shutting the door
after him with a bang that made the children laugh.
'It puts me quite past my patience too!' muttered I, getting up;
and, seizing the poker, I dashed it repeatedly into the cinders,
and stirred them up with unwonted energy; thus easing my irritation
under pretence of mending the fire.
After this, Mr. Bloomfield was continually looking in to see if the
schoolroom was in order; and, as the children were continually
littering the floor with fragments of toys, sticks, stones,
stubble, leaves, and other rubbish, which I could not prevent their
bringing, or oblige them to gather up, and which the servants
refused to 'clean after them,' I had to spend a considerable
portion of my valuable leisure moments on my knees upon the floor,
in painsfully reducing things to order. Once I told them that they
should not taste their supper till they had picked up everything
from the carpet; Fanny might have hers when she had taken up a
certain quantity, Mary Ann when she had gathered twice as many, and
Tom was to clear away the rest. Wonderful to state, the girls did
their part; but Tom was in such a fury that he flew upon the table,
scattered the bread and milk about the floor, struck his sisters,
kicked the coals out of the coal-pan, attempted to overthrow the
table and chairs, and seemed inclined to make a Douglas-larder of
the whole contents of the room: but I seized upon him, and,
sending Mary Ann to call her mamma, held him, in spite of kicks,
blows, yells, and execrations, till Mrs. Bloomfield made her
appearance.
'What is the matter with my boy?' said she.
And when the matter was explained to her, all she did was to send
for the nursery-maid to put the room in order, and bring Master
Bloomfield his supper.
'There now,' cried Tom, triumphantly, looking up from his viands
with his mouth almost too full for speech. 'There now, Miss Grey!
you see I've got my supper in spite of you: and I haven't picked
up a single thing!'
The only person in the house who had any real sympathy for me was
the nurse; for she had suffered like afflictions, though in a
smaller degree; as she had not the task of teaching, nor was she so
responsible for the conduct of her charge.
'Oh, Miss Grey!' she would say, 'you have some trouble with them
childer!'
'I have, indeed, Betty; and I daresay you know what it is.'
'Ay, I do so! But I don't vex myself o'er 'em as you do. And
then, you see, I hit 'em a slap sometimes: and them little 'uns -
I gives 'em a good whipping now and then: there's nothing else
will do for 'em, as what they say. Howsoever, I've lost my place
for it.'
'Have you, Betty? I heard you were going to leave.'
'Eh, bless you, yes! Missis gave me warning a three wik sin'. She
told me afore Christmas how it mud be, if I hit 'em again; but I
couldn't hold my hand off 'em at nothing. I know not how YOU do,
for Miss Mary Ann's worse by the half nor her sisters!'
CHAPTER V - THE UNCLE
BESIDES the old lady, there was another relative of the family,
whose visits were a great annoyance to me - this was 'Uncle
Robson,' Mrs. Bloomfield's brother; a tall, self-sufficient fellow,
with dark hair and sallow complexion like his sister, a nose that
seemed to disdain the earth, and little grey eyes, frequently halfclosed,
with a mixture of real stupidity and affected contempt of
all surrounding objects. He was a thick-set, strongly-built man,
but he had found some means of compressing his waist into a
remarkably small compass; and that, together with the unnatural
stillness of his form, showed that the lofty-minded, manly Mr.
Robson, the scorner of the female sex, was not above the foppery of
stays. He seldom deigned to notice me; and, when he did, it was
with a certain supercilious insolence of tone and manner that
convinced me he was no gentleman: though it was intended to have a
contrary effect. But it was not for that I disliked his coming, so
much as for the harm he did the children - encouraging all their
evil propensities, and undoing in a few minutes the little good it
had taken me months of labour to achieve.
Fanny and little Harriet he seldom condescended to notice; but Mary
Ann was something of a favourite. He was continually encouraging
her tendency to affectation (which I had done my utmost to crush),
talking about her pretty face, and filling her head with all manner
of conceited notions concerning her personal appearance (which I
had instructed her to regard as dust in the balance compared with
the cultivation of her mind and manners); and I never saw a child
so susceptible of flattery as she was. Whatever was wrong, in
either her or her brother, he would encourage by laughing at, if
not by actually praising: people little know the injury they do to
children by laughing at their faults, and making a pleasant jest of
what their true friends have endeavoured to teach them to hold in
grave abhorrence.
Though not a positive drunkard, Mr. Robson habitually swallowed
great quantities of wine, and took with relish an occasional glass
of brandy and water. He taught his nephew to imitate him in this
to the utmost of his ability, and to believe that the more wine and
spirits he could take, and the better he liked them, the more he
manifested his bold, and manly spirit, and rose superior to his
sisters. Mr. Bloomfield had not much to say against it, for his
favourite beverage was gin and water; of which he took a
considerable portion every day, by dint of constant sipping - and
to that I chiefly attributed his dingy complexion and waspish
temper.
Mr. Robson likewise encouraged Tom's propensity to persecute the
lower creation, both by precept and example. As he frequently came
to course or shoot over his brother-in-law's grounds, he would
bring his favourite dogs with him; and he treated them so brutally
that, poor as I was, I would have given a sovereign any day to see
one of them bite him, provided the animal could have done it with
impunity. Sometimes, when in a very complacent mood, he would go
a-birds'-nesting with the children, a thing that irritated and
annoyed me exceedingly; as, by frequent and persevering attempts, I
flattered myself I had partly shown them the evil of this pastime,
and hoped, in time, to bring them to some general sense of justice
and humanity; but ten minutes' birds'-nesting with uncle Robson, or
even a laugh from him at some relation of their former barbarities,
was sufficient at once to destroy the effect of my whole elaborate
course of reasoning and persuasion. Happily, however, during that
spring, they never, but once, got anything but empty nests, or eggs
- being too impatient to leave them till the birds were hatched;
that once, Tom, who had been with his uncle into the neighbouring
plantation, came running in high glee into the garden, with a brood
of little callow nestlings in his hands. Mary Ann and Fanny, whom
I was just bringing out, ran to admire his spoils, and to beg each
a bird for themselves. 'No, not one!' cried Tom. 'They're all
mine; uncle Robson gave them to me - one, two, three, four, five -
you shan't touch one of them! no, not one, for your lives!'
continued he, exultingly; laying the nest on the ground, and
standing over it with his legs wide apart, his hands thrust into
his breeches-pockets, his body bent forward, and his face twisted
into all manner of contortions in the ecstasy of his delight.
'But you shall see me fettle 'em off. My word, but I WILL wallop
'em? See if I don't now. By gum! but there's rare sport for me in
that nest.'
'But, Tom,' said I, 'I shall not allow you to torture those birds.
They must either be killed at once or carried back to the place you
took them from, that the old birds may continue to feed them.'
'But you don't know where that is, Madam: it's only me and uncle
Robson that knows that.'
'But if you don't tell me, I shall kill them myself - much as I
hate it.'
'You daren't. You daren't touch them for your life! because you
know papa and mamma, and uncle Robson, would be angry. Ha, ha!
I've caught you there, Miss!'
'I shall do what I think right in a case of this sort without
consulting any one. If your papa and mamma don't happen to approve
of it, I shall be sorry to offend them; but your uncle Robson's
opinions, of course, are nothing to me.'
So saying - urged by a sense of duty - at the risk of both making
myself sick and incurring the wrath of my employers - I got a large
flat stone, that had been reared up for a mouse-trap by the
gardener; then, having once more vainly endeavoured to persuade the
little tyrant to let the birds be carried back, I asked what he
intended to do with them. With fiendish glee he commenced a list
of torments; and while he was busied in the relation, I dropped the
stone upon his intended victims and crushed them flat beneath it.
Loud were the outcries, terrible the execrations, consequent upon
this daring outrage; uncle Robson had been coming up the walk with
his gun, and was just then pausing to kick his dog. Tom flew
towards him, vowing he would make him kick me instead of Juno. Mr.
Robson leant upon his gun, and laughed excessively at the violence
of his nephew's passion, and the bitter maledictions and
opprobrious epithets he heaped upon me. 'Well, you ARE a good
'un!' exclaimed he, at length, taking up his weapon and proceeding
towards the house. 'Damme, but the lad has some spunk in him, too.
Curse me, if ever I saw a nobler little scoundrel than that. He's
beyond petticoat government already: by God! he defies mother,
granny, governess, and all! Ha, ha, ha! Never mind, Tom, I'll get
you another brood to-morrow.'
'If you do, Mr. Robson, I shall kill them too,' said I.
'Humph!' replied he, and having honoured me with a broad stare -
which, contrary to his expectations, I sustained without flinching
- he turned away with an air of supreme contempt, and stalked into
the house. Tom next went to tell his mamma. It was not her way to
say much on any subject; but, when she next saw me, her aspect and
demeanour were doubly dark and chilled. After some casual remark
about the weather, she observed - 'I am sorry, Miss Grey, you
should think it necessary to interfere with Master Bloomfield's
amusements; he was very much distressed about your destroying the
birds.'
'When Master Bloomfield's amusements consist in injuring sentient
creatures,' I answered, 'I think it my duty to interfere.'
'You seemed to have forgotten,' said she, calmly, 'that the
creatures were all created for our convenience.'
I thought that doctrine admitted some doubt, but merely replied -
'If they were, we have no right to torment them for our amusement.'
'I think,' said she, 'a child's amusement is scarcely to be weighed
against the welfare of a soulless brute.'
'But, for the child's own sake, it ought not to be encouraged to
have such amusements,' answered I, as meekly as I could, to make up
for such unusual pertinacity. '"Blessed are the merciful, for they
shall obtain mercy."'
'Oh! of course; but that refers to our conduct towards each other.'
'"The merciful man shows mercy to his beast,"' I ventured to add.
'I think YOU have not shown much mercy,' replied she, with a short,
bitter laugh; 'killing the poor birds by wholesale in that shocking
manner, and putting the dear boy to such misery for a mere whim.'
I judged it prudent to say no more. This was the nearest approach
to a quarrel I ever had with Mrs. Bloomfield; as well as the
greatest number of words I ever exchanged with her at one time,
since the day of my first arrival.
But Mr. Robson and old Mrs. Bloomfield were not the only guests
whose coming to Wellwood House annoyed me; every visitor disturbed
me more or less; not so much because they neglected me (though I
did feel their conduct strange and disagreeable in that respect),
as because I found it impossible to keep my pupils away from them,
as I was repeatedly desired to do: Tom must talk to them, and Mary
Ann must be noticed by them. Neither the one nor the other knew
what it was to feel any degree of shamefacedness, or even common
modesty. They would indecently and clamorously interrupt the
conversation of their elders, tease them with the most impertinent
questions, roughly collar the gentlemen, climb their knees
uninvited, hang about their shoulders or rifle their pockets, pull
the ladies' gowns, disorder their hair, tumble their collars, and
importunately beg for their trinkets.
Mrs. Bloomfield had the sense to be shocked and annoyed at all
this, but she had not sense to prevent it: she expected me to
prevent it. But how could I - when the guests, with their fine
clothes and new faces, continually flattered and indulged them, out
of complaisance to their parents - how could I, with my homely
garments, every-day face, and honest words, draw them away? I
strained every nerve to do so: by striving to amuse them, I
endeavoured to attract them to my side; by the exertion of such
authority as I possessed, and by such severity as I dared to use, I
tried to deter them from tormenting the guests; and by reproaching
their unmannerly conduct, to make them ashamed to repeat it. But
they knew no shame; they scorned authority which had no terrors to
back it; and as for kindness and affection, either they had no
hearts, or such as they had were so strongly guarded, and so well
concealed, that I, with all my efforts, had not yet discovered how
to reach them.
But soon my trials in this quarter came to a close - sooner than I
either expected or desired; for one sweet evening towards the close
of May, as I was rejoicing in the near approach of the holidays,
and congratulating myself upon having made some progress with my
pupils (as far as their learning went, at least, for I HAD
instilled SOMETHING into their heads, and I had, at length, brought
them to be a little - a very little - more rational about getting
their lessons done in time to leave some space for recreation,
instead of tormenting themselves and me all day long to no
purpose), Mrs. Bloomfield sent for me, and calmly told me that
after Midsummer my services would be no longer required. She
assured me that my character and general conduct were
unexceptionable; but the children had made so little improvement
since my arrival that Mr. Bloomfield and she felt it their duty to
seek some other mode of instruction. Though superior to most
children of their years in abilities, they were decidedly behind
them in attainments; their manners were uncultivated, and their
tempers unruly. And this she attributed to a want of sufficient
firmness, and diligent, persevering care on my part.
Unshaken firmness, devoted diligence, unwearied perseverance,
unceasing care, were the very qualifications on which I had
secretly prided myself; and by which I had hoped in time to
overcome all difficulties, and obtain success at last. I wished to
say something in my own justification; but in attempting to speak,
I felt my voice falter; and rather than testify any emotion, or
suffer the tears to overflow that were already gathering in my
eyes, I chose to keep silence, and bear all like a self-convicted
culprit.
Thus was I dismissed, and thus I sought my home. Alas! what would
they think of me? unable, after all my boasting, to keep my place,
even for a single year, as governess to three small children, whose
mother was asserted by my own aunt to be a 'very nice woman.'
Having been thus weighed in the balance and found wanting, I need
not hope they would be willing to try me again. And this was an
unwelcome thought; for vexed, harassed, disappointed as I had been,
and greatly as I had learned to love and value my home, I was not
yet weary of adventure, nor willing to relax my efforts. I knew
that all parents were not like Mr. and Mrs. Bloomfield, and I was
certain all children were not like theirs. The next family must be
different, and any change must be for the better. I had been
seasoned by adversity, and tutored by experience, and I longed to
redeem my lost honour in the eyes of those whose opinion was more
than that of all the world to me.
CHAPTER VI - THE PARSONAGE AGAIN
FOR a few months I remained peaceably at home, in the quiet
enjoyment of liberty and rest, and genuine friendship, from all of
which I had fasted so long; and in the earnest prosecution of my
studies, to recover what I had lost during my stay at Wellwood
House, and to lay in new stores for future use. My father's health
was still very infirm, but not materially worse than when I last
saw him; and I was glad I had it in my power to cheer him by my
return, and to amuse him with singing his favourite songs.
No one triumphed over my failure, or said I had better have taken
his or her advice, and quietly stayed at home. All were glad to
have me back again, and lavished more kindness than ever upon me,
to make up for the sufferings I had undergone; but not one would
touch a shilling of what I had so cheerfully earned and so
carefully saved, in the hope of sharing it with them. By dint of
pinching here, and scraping there, our debts were already nearly
paid. Mary had had good success with her drawings; but our father
had insisted upon HER likewise keeping all the produce of her
industry to herself. All we could spare from the supply of our
humble wardrobe and our little casual expenses, he directed us to
put into the savings'-bank; saying, we knew not how soon we might
be dependent on that alone for support: for he felt he had not
long to be with us, and what would become of our mother and us when
he was gone, God only knew!
Dear papa! if he had troubled himself less about the afflictions
that threatened us in case of his death, I am convinced that
dreaded event would not have taken place so soon. My mother would
never suffer him to ponder on the subject if she could help it.
'Oh, Richard!' exclaimed she, on one occasion, 'if you would but
dismiss such gloomy subjects from your mind, you would live as long
as any of us; at least you would live to see the girls married, and
yourself a happy grandfather, with a canty old dame for your
companion.'
My mother laughed, and so did my father: but his laugh soon
perished in a dreary sigh.
'THEY married - poor penniless things!' said he; 'who will take
them I wonder!'
'Why, nobody shall that isn't thankful for them. Wasn't I
penniless when you took me? and you PRETENDED, at least, to be
vastly pleased with your acquisition. But it's no matter whether
they get married or not: we can devise a thousand honest ways of
making a livelihood. And I wonder, Richard, you can think of
bothering your head about our POVERTY in case of your death; as if
THAT would be anything compared with the calamity of losing you -
an affliction that you well know would swallow up all others, and
which you ought to do your utmost to preserve us from: and there
is nothing like a cheerful mind for keeping the body in health.'
'I know, Alice, it is wrong to keep repining as I do, but I cannot
help it: you must bear with me.'
'I WON'T bear with you, if I can alter you,' replied my mother:
but the harshness of her words was undone by the earnest affection
of her tone and pleasant smile, that made my father smile again,
less sadly and less transiently than was his wont.
'Mamma,' said I, as soon as I could find an opportunity of speaking
with her alone, 'my money is but little, and cannot last long; if I
could increase it, it would lessen papa's anxiety, on one subject
at least. I cannot draw like Mary, and so the best thing I could
do would be to look out for another situation.'
'And so you would actually try again, Agnes?'
'Decidedly, I would.'
'Why, my dear, I should have thought you had had enough of it.'
'I know,' said I, 'everybody is not like Mr. and Mrs. Bloomfield -
'
'Some are worse,' interrupted my mother.
'But not many, I think,' replied I, 'and I'm sure all children are
not like theirs; for I and Mary were not: we always did as you bid
us, didn't we?'
'Generally: but then, I did not spoil you; and you were not
perfect angels after all: Mary had a fund of quiet obstinacy, and
you were somewhat faulty in regard to temper; but you were very
good children on the whole.'
'I know I was sulky sometimes, and I should have been glad to see
these children sulky sometimes too; for then I could have
understood them: but they never were, for they COULD not be
offended, nor hurt, nor ashamed: they could not be unhappy in any
way, except when they were in a passion.'
'Well, if they COULD not, it was not their fault: you cannot
expect stone to be as pliable as clay.'
'No, but still it is very unpleasant to live with such
unimpressible, incomprehensible creatures. You cannot love them;
and if you could, your love would be utterly thrown away: they
could neither return it, nor value, nor understand it. But,
however, even if I should stumble on such a family again, which is
quite unlikely, I have all this experience to begin with, and I
should manage better another time; and the end and aim of this
preamble is, let me try again.'
'Well, my girl, you are not easily discouraged, I see: I am glad
of that. But, let me tell you, you are a good deal paler and
thinner than when you first left home; and we cannot have you
undermining your health to hoard up money either for yourself or
others.'
'Mary tells me I am changed too; and I don't much wonder at it, for
I was in a constant state of agitation and anxiety all day long:
but next time I am determined to take things coolly.'
After some further discussion, my mother promised once more to
assist me, provided I would wait and be patient; and I left her to
broach the matter to my father, when and how she deemed it most
advisable: never doubting her ability to obtain his consent.
Meantime, I searched, with great interest, the advertising columns
of the newspapers, and wrote answers to every 'Wanted a Governess'
that appeared at all eligible; but all my letters, as well as the
replies, when I got any, were dutifully shown to my mother; and
she, to my chagrin, made me reject the situations one after
another: these were low people, these were too exacting in their
demands, and these too niggardly in their remuneration.
'Your talents are not such as every poor clergyman's daughter
possesses, Agnes,' she would say, 'and you must not throw them
away. Remember, you promised to be patient: there is no need of
hurry: you have plenty of time before you, and may have many
chances yet.'
At length, she advised me to put an advertisement, myself, in the
paper, stating my qualifications, &c.
'Music, singing, drawing, French, Latin, and German,' said she,
'are no mean assemblage: many will be glad to have so much in one
instructor; and this time, you shall try your fortune in a somewhat
higher family in that of some genuine, thoroughbred gentleman; for
such are far more likely to treat you with proper respect and
consideration than those purse-proud tradespeople and arrogant
upstarts. I have known several among the higher ranks who treated
their governesses quite as one of the family; though some, I allow,
are as insolent and exacting as any one else can be: for there are
bad and good in all classes.'
The advertisement was quickly written and despatched. Of the two
parties who answered it, but one would consent to give me fifty
pounds, the sum my mother bade me name as the salary I should
require; and here, I hesitated about engaging myself, as I feared
the children would be too old, and their parents would require some
one more showy, or more experienced, if not more accomplished than
I. But my mother dissuaded me from declining it on that account:
I should do vastly well, she said, if I would only throw aside my
diffidence, and acquire a little more confidence in myself. I was
just to give a plain, true statement of my acquirements and
qualifications, and name what stipulations I chose to make, and
then await the result. The only stipulation I ventured to propose,
was that I might be allowed two months' holidays during the year to
visit my friends, at Midsummer and Christmas. The unknown lady, in
her reply, made no objection to this, and stated that, as to my
acquirements, she had no doubt I should be able to give
satisfaction; but in the engagement of governesses she considered
those things as but subordinate points; as being situated in the
neighbourhood of O-, she could get masters to supply any
deficiencies in that respect: but, in her opinion, next to
unimpeachable morality, a mild and cheerful temper and obliging
disposition were the most essential requisities.
My mother did not relish this at all, and now made many objections
to my accepting the situation; in which my sister warmly supported
her: but, unwilling to be balked again, I overruled them all; and,
having first obtained the consent of my father (who had, a short
time previously, been apprised of these transactions), I wrote a
most obliging epistle to my unknown correspondent, and, finally,
the bargain was concluded.
It was decreed that on the last day of January I was to enter upon
my new office as governess in the family of Mr. Murray, of Horton
Lodge, near O-, about seventy miles from our village: a formidable
distance to me, as I had never been above twenty miles from home in
all the course of my twenty years' sojourn on earth; and as,
moreover, every individual in that family and in the neighbourhood
was utterly unknown to myself and all my acquaintances. But this
rendered it only the more piquant to me. I had now, in some
measure, got rid of the MAUVAISE HONTE that had formerly oppressed
me so much; there was a pleasing excitement in the idea of entering
these unknown regions, and making my way alone among its strange
inhabitants. I now flattered myself I was going to see something
in the world: Mr. Murray's residence was near a large town, and
not in a manufacturing district, where the people had nothing to do
but to make money; his rank from what I could gather, appeared to
be higher than that of Mr. Bloomfield; and, doubtless, he was one
of those genuine thorough-bred gentry my mother spoke of, who would
treat his governess with due consideration as a respectable welleducated
lady, the instructor and guide of his children, and not a
mere upper servant. Then, my pupils being older, would be more
rational, more teachable, and less troublesome than the last; they
would be less confined to the schoolroom, and not require that
constant labour and incessant watching; and, finally, bright
visions mingled with my hopes, with which the care of children and
the mere duties of a governess had little or nothing to do. Thus,
the reader will see that I had no claim to be regarded as a martyr
to filial piety, going forth to sacrifice peace and liberty for the
sole purpose of laying up stores for the comfort and support of my
parents: though certainly the comfort of my father, and the future
support of my mother, had a large share in my calculations; and
fifty pounds appeared to me no ordinary sum. I must have decent
clothes becoming my station; I must, it seemed, put out my washing,
and also pay for my four annual journeys between Horton Lodge and
home; but with strict attention to economy, surely twenty pounds,
or little more, would cover those expenses, and then there would be
thirty for the bank, or little less: what a valuable addition to
our stock! Oh, I must struggle to keep this situation, whatever it
might be! both for my own honour among my friends and for the solid
services I might render them by my continuance there.
CHAPTER VII - HORTON LODGE
THE 31st of January was a wild, tempestuous day: there was a
strong north wind, with a continual storm of snow drifting on the
ground and whirling through the air. My friends would have had me
delay my departure, but fearful of prejudicing my employers against
me by such want of punctuality at the commencement of my
undertaking, I persisted in keeping the appointment.
I will not inflict upon my readers an account of my leaving home on
that dark winter morning: the fond farewells, the long, long
journey to O-, the solitary waitings in inns for coaches or trains
- for there were some railways then - and, finally, the meeting at
O- with Mr. Murray's servant, who had been sent with the phaeton to
drive me from thence to Horton Lodge. I will just state that the
heavy snow had thrown such impediments in the way of both horses
and steam-engines, that it was dark some hours before I reached my
journey's end, and that a most bewildering storm came on at last,
which made the few miles' space between O- and Horton Lodge a long
and formidable passage. I sat resigned, with the cold, sharp snow
drifting through my veil and filling my lap, seeing nothing, and
wondering how the unfortunate horse and driver could make their way
even as well as they did; and indeed it was but a toilsome,
creeping style of progression, to say the best of it. At length we
paused; and, at the call of the driver, someone unlatched and
rolled back upon their creaking hinges what appeared to be the park
gates. Then we proceeded along a smoother road, whence,
occasionally, I perceived some huge, hoary mass gleaming through
the darkness, which I took to be a portion of a snow-clad tree.
After a considerable time we paused again, before the stately
portico of a large house with long windows descending to the
ground.
I rose with some difficulty from under the superincumbent
snowdrift, and alighted from the carriage, expecting that a kind
and hospitable reception would indemnify me for the toils and
hardships of the day. A gentleman person in black opened the door,
and admitted me into a spacious hall, lighted by an amber-coloured
lamp suspended from the ceiling; he led me through this, along a
passage, and opening the door of a back room, told me that was the
schoolroom. I entered, and found two young ladies and two young
gentlemen - my future pupils, I supposed. After a formal greeting,
the elder girl, who was trifling over a piece of canvas and a
basket of German wools, asked if I should like to go upstairs. I
replied in the affirmative, of course.
'Matilda, take a candle, and show her her room,' said she.
Miss Matilda, a strapping hoyden of about fourteen, with a short
frock and trousers, shrugged her shoulders and made a slight
grimace, but took a candle and proceeded before me up the back
stairs (a long, steep, double flight), and through a long, narrow
passage, to a small but tolerably comfortable room. She then asked
me if I would take some tea or coffee. I was about to answer No;
but remembering that I had taken nothing since seven o'clock that
morning, and feeling faint in consequence, I said I would take a
cup of tea. Saying she would tell 'Brown,' the young lady
departed; and by the time I had divested myself of my heavy, wet
cloak, shawl, bonnet, &c., a mincing damsel came to say the young
ladies desired to know whether I would take my tea up there or in
the schoolroom. Under the plea of fatigue I chose to take it
there. She withdrew; and, after a while, returned again with a
small tea-tray, and placed it on the chest of drawers, which served
as a dressing-table. Having civilly thanked her, I asked at what
time I should be expected to rise in the morning.
'The young ladies and gentlemen breakfast at half-past eight,
ma'am,' said she; 'they rise early; but, as they seldom do any
lessons before breakfast, I should think it will do if you rise
soon after seven.'
I desired her to be so kind as to call me at seven, and, promising
to do so, she withdrew. Then, having broken my long fast on a cup
of tea and a little thin bread and butter, I sat down beside the
small, smouldering fire, and amused myself with a hearty fit of
crying; after which, I said my prayers, and then, feeling
considerably relieved, began to prepare for bed. Finding that none
of my luggage was brought up, I instituted a search for the bell;
and failing to discover any signs of such a convenience in any
corner of the room, I took my candle and ventured through the long
passage, and down the steep stairs, on a voyage of discovery.
Meeting a well-dressed female on the way, I told her what I wanted;
but not without considerable hesitation, as I was not quite sure
whether it was one of the upper servants, or Mrs. Murray herself:
it happened, however, to be the lady's-maid. With the air of one
conferring an unusual favour, she vouchsafed to undertake the
sending up of my things; and when I had re-entered my room, and
waited and wondered a long time (greatly fearing that she had
forgotten or neglected to perform her promise, and doubting whether
to keep waiting or go to bed, or go down again), my hopes, at
length, were revived by the sound of voices and laughter,
accompanied by the tramp of feet along the passage; and presently
the luggage was brought in by a rough-looking maid and a man,
neither of them very respectful in their demeanour to me. Having
shut the door upon their retiring footsteps, and unpacked a few of
my things, I betook myself to rest; gladly enough, for I was weary
in body and mind.
It was with a strange feeling of desolation, mingled with a strong
sense of the novelty of my situation, and a joyless kind of
curiosity concerning what was yet unknown, that I awoke the next
morning; feeling like one whirled away by enchantment, and suddenly
dropped from the clouds into a remote and unknown land, widely and
completely isolated from all he had ever seen or known before; or
like a thistle-seed borne on the wind to some strange nook of
uncongenial soil, where it must lie long enough before it can take
root and germinate, extracting nourishment from what appears so
alien to its nature: if, indeed, it ever can. But this gives no
proper idea of my feelings at all; and no one that has not lived
such a retired, stationary life as mine, can possibly imagine what
they were: hardly even if he has known what it is to awake some
morning, and find himself in Port Nelson, in New Zealand, with a
world of waters between himself and all that knew him.
I shall not soon forget the peculiar feeling with which I raised my
blind and looked out upon the unknown world: a wide, white
wilderness was all that met my gaze; a waste of
Deserts tossed in snow,
And heavy laden groves.
I descended to the schoolroom with no remarkable eagerness to join
my pupils, though not without some feeling of curiosity respecting
what a further acquaintance would reveal. One thing, among others
of more obvious importance, I determined with myself - I must begin
with calling them Miss and Master. It seemed to me a chilling and
unnatural piece of punctilio between the children of a family and
their instructor and daily companion; especially where the former
were in their early childhood, as at Wellwood House; but even
there, my calling the little Bloomfields by their simple names had
been regarded as an offensive liberty: as their parents had taken
care to show me, by carefully designating them MASTER and MISS
Bloomfield, &c., in speaking to me. I had been very slow to take
the hint, because the whole affair struck me as so very absurd; but
now I determined to be wiser, and begin at once with as much form
and ceremony as any member of the family would be likely to
require: and, indeed, the children being so much older, there
would be less difficulty; though the little words Miss and Master
seemed to have a surprising effect in repressing all familiar,
open-hearted kindness, and extinguishing every gleam of cordiality
that might arise between us.
As I cannot, like Dogberry, find it in my heart to bestow all my
tediousness upon the reader, I will not go on to bore him with a
minute detail of all the discoveries and proceedings of this and
the following day. No doubt he will be amply satisfied with a
slight sketch of the different members of the family, and a general
view of the first year or two of my sojourn among them.
To begin with the head: Mr. Murray was, by all accounts, a
blustering, roystering, country squire: a devoted fox-hunter, a
skilful horse-jockey and farrier, an active, practical farmer, and
a hearty BON VIVANT. By all accounts, I say; for, except on
Sundays, when he went to church, I never saw him from month to
month: unless, in crossing the hall or walking in the grounds, the
figure of a tall, stout gentleman, with scarlet cheeks and crimson
nose, happened to come across me; on which occasions, if he passed
near enough to speak, an unceremonious nod, accompanied by a
'Morning, Miss Grey,' or some such brief salutation, was usually
vouchsafed. Frequently, indeed, his loud laugh reached me from
afar; and oftener still I heard him swearing and blaspheming
against the footmen, groom, coachman, or some other hapless
dependant.
Mrs. Murray was a handsome, dashing lady of forty, who certainly
required neither rouge nor padding to add to her charms; and whose
chief enjoyments were, or seemed to be, in giving or frequenting
parties, and in dressing at the very top of the fashion. I did not
see her till eleven o'clock on the morning after my arrival; when
she honoured me with a visit, just as my mother might step into the
kitchen to see a new servant-girl: yet not so, either, for my
mother would have seen her immediately after her arrival, and not
waited till the next day; and, moreover, she would have addressed
her in a more kind and friendly manner, and given her some words of
comfort as well as a plain exposition of her duties; but Mrs.
Murray did neither the one nor the other. She just stepped into
the schoolroom on her return from ordering dinner in the
housekeeper's room, bade me good-morning, stood for two minutes by
the fire, said a few words about the weather and the 'rather rough'
journey I must have had yesterday; petted her youngest child - a
boy of ten - who had just been wiping his mouth and hands on her
gown, after indulging in some savoury morsel from the housekeeper's
store; told me what a sweet, good boy he was; and then
sailed out, with a self-complacent smile upon her face: thinking,
no doubt, that she had done quite enough for the present, and had
been delightfully condescending into the bargain. Her children
evidently held the same opinion, and I alone thought otherwise.
After this she looked in upon me once or twice, during the absence
of my pupils, to enlighten me concerning my duties towards them.
For the girls she seemed anxious only to render them as
superficially attractive and showily accomplished as they could
possibly be made, without present trouble or discomfort to
themselves; and I was to act accordingly - to study and strive to
amuse and oblige, instruct, refine, and polish, with the least
possible exertion on their part, and no exercise of authority on
mine. With regard to the two boys, it was much the same; only
instead of accomplishments, I was to get the greatest possible
quantity of Latin grammar and Valpy's Delectus into their heads, in
order to fit them for school - the greatest possible quantity at
least WITHOUT trouble to themselves. John might be a 'little highspirited,'
and Charles might be a little 'nervous and tedious - '
'But at all events, Miss Grey,' said she, 'I hope YOU will keep
your temper, and be mild and patient throughout; especially with
the dear little Charles; he is so extremely nervous and
susceptible, and so utterly unaccustomed to anything but the
tenderest treatment. You will excuse my naming these things to
you; for the fact is, I have hitherto found all the governesses,
even the very best of them, faulty in this particular. They wanted
that meek and quiet spirit, which St. Matthew, or some of them,
says is better than the putting on of apparel - you will know the
passage to which I allude, for you are a clergyman's daughter. But
I have no doubt you will give satisfaction in this respect as well
as the rest. And remember, on all occasions, when any of the young
people do anything improper, if persuasion and gentle remonstrance
will not do, let one of the others come and tell me; for I can
speak to them more plainly than it would be proper for you to do.
And make them as happy as you can, Miss Grey, and I dare say you
will do very well.'
I observed that while Mrs. Murray was so extremely solicitous for
the comfort and happiness of her children, and continually talking
about it, she never once mentioned mine; though they were at home,
surrounded by friends, and I an alien among strangers; and I did
not yet know enough of the world, not to be considerably surprised
at this anomaly.
Miss Murray, otherwise Rosalie, was about sixteen when I came, and
decidedly a very pretty girl; and in two years longer, as time more
completely developed her form and added grace to her carriage and
deportment, she became positively beautiful; and that in no common
degree. She was tall and slender, yet not thin; perfectly formed,
exquisitely fair, though not without a brilliant, healthy bloom;
her hair, which she wore in a profusion of long ringlets, was of a
very light brown inclining to yellow; her eyes were pale blue, but
so clear and bright that few would wish them darker; the rest of
her features were small, not quite regular, and not remarkably
otherwise: but altogether you could not hesitate to pronounce her
a very lovely girl. I wish I could say as much for mind and
disposition as I can for her form and face.
Yet think not I have any dreadful disclosures to make: she was
lively, light-hearted, and could be very agreeable, with those who
did not cross her will. Towards me, when I first came, she was
cold and haughty, then insolent and overbearing; but, on a further
acquaintance, she gradually laid aside her airs, and in time became
as deeply attached to me as it was possible for HER to be to one of
my character and position: for she seldom lost sight, for above
half an hour at a time, of the fact of my being a hireling and a
poor curate's daughter. And yet, upon the whole, I believe she
respected me more than she herself was aware of; because I was the
only person in the house who steadily professed good principles,
habitually spoke the truth, and generally endeavoured to make
inclination bow to duty; and this I say, not, of course, in
commendation of myself, but to show the unfortunate state of the
family to which my services were, for the present, devoted. There
was no member of it in whom I regretted this sad want of principle
so much as Miss Murray herself; not only because she had taken a
fancy to me, but because there was so much of what was pleasant and
prepossessing in herself, that, in spite of her failings, I really
liked her - when she did not rouse my indignation, or ruffle my
temper by TOO great a display of her faults. These, however, I
would fain persuade myself were rather the effect of her education
than her disposition: she had never been perfectly taught the
distinction between right and wrong; she had, like her brothers and
sisters, been suffered, from infancy, to tyrannize over nurses,
governesses, and servants; she had not been taught to moderate her
desires, to control her temper or bridle her will, or to sacrifice
her own pleasure for the good of others. Her temper being
naturally good, she was never violent or morose, but from constant
indulgence, and habitual scorn of reason, she was often testy and
capricious; her mind had never been cultivated: her intellect, at
best, was somewhat shallow; she possessed considerable vivacity,
some quickness of perception, and some talent for music and the
acquisition of languages, but till fifteen she had troubled herself
to acquire nothing; - then the love of display had roused her
faculties, and induced her to apply herself, but only to the more
showy accomplishments. And when I came it was the same:
everything was neglected but French, German, music, singing,
dancing, fancy-work, and a little drawing - such drawing as might
produce the greatest show with the smallest labour, and the
principal parts of which were generally done by me. For music and
singing, besides my occasional instructions, she had the attendance
of the best master the country afforded; and in these
accomplishments, as well as in dancing, she certainly attained
great proficiency. To music, indeed, she devoted too much of her
time, as, governess though I was, I frequently told her; but her
mother thought that if SHE liked it, she COULD not give too much
time to the acquisition of so attractive an art. Of fancy-work I
knew nothing but what I gathered from my pupil and my own
observation; but no sooner was I initiated, than she made me useful
in twenty different ways: all the tedious parts of her work were
shifted on to my shoulders; such as stretching the frames,
stitching in the canvas, sorting the wools and silks, putting in
the grounds, counting the stitches, rectifying mistakes, and
finishing the pieces she was tired of.
At sixteen, Miss Murray was something of a romp, yet not more so
than is natural and allowable for a girl of that age, but at
seventeen, that propensity, like all other things, began to give
way to the ruling passion, and soon was swallowed up in the allabsorbing
ambition to attract and dazzle the other sex. But enough
of her: now let us turn to her sister.
Miss Matilda Murray was a veritable hoyden, of whom little need be
said. She was about two years and a half younger than her sister;
her features were larger, her complexion much darker. She might
possibly make a handsome woman; but she was far too big-boned and
awkward ever to be called a pretty girl, and at present she cared
little about it. Rosalie knew all her charms, and thought them
even greater than they were, and valued them more highly than she
ought to have done, had they been three times as great; Matilda
thought she was well enough, but cared little about the matter;
still less did she care about the cultivation of her mind, and the
acquisition of ornamental accomplishments. The manner in which she
learnt her lessons and practised her music was calculated to drive
any governess to despair. Short and easy as her tasks were, if
done at all, they were slurred over, at any time and in any way;
but generally at the least convenient times, and in the way least
beneficial to herself, and least satisfactory to me: the short
half-hour of practising was horribly strummed through; she,
meantime, unsparingly abusing me, either for interrupting her with
corrections, or for not rectifying her mistakes before they were
made, or something equally unreasonable. Once or twice, I ventured
to remonstrate with her seriously for such irrational conduct; but
on each of those occasions, I received such reprehensive
expostulations from her mother, as convinced me that, if I wished
to keep the situation, I must even let Miss Matilda go on in her
own way.
When her lessons were over, however, her ill-humour was generally
over too: while riding her spirited pony, or romping with the dogs
or her brothers and sister, but especially with her dear brother
John, she was as happy as a lark. As an animal, Matilda was all
right, full of life, vigour, and activity; as an intelligent being,
she was barbarously ignorant, indocile, careless and irrational;
and, consequently, very distressing to one who had the task of
cultivating her understanding, reforming her manners, and aiding
her to acquire those ornamental attainments which, unlike her
sister, she despised as much as the rest. Her mother was partly
aware of her deficiencies, and gave me many a lecture as to how I
should try to form her tastes, and endeavour to rouse and cherish
her dormant vanity; and, by insinuating, skilful flattery, to win
her attention to the desired objects - which I would not do; and
how I should prepare and smooth the path of learning till she could
glide along it without the least exertion to herself: which I
could not, for nothing can be taught to any purpose without some
little exertion on the part of the learner.
As a moral agent, Matilda was reckless, headstrong, violent, and
unamenable to reason. One proof of the deplorable state of her
mind was, that from her father's example she had learned to swear
like a trooper. Her mother was greatly shocked at the 'unlady-like
trick,' and wondered 'how she had picked it up.' 'But you can soon
break her of it, Miss Grey,' said she: 'it is only a habit; and if
you will just gently remind her every time she does so, I am sure
she will soon lay it aside.' I not only 'gently reminded' her, I
tried to impress upon her how wrong it was, and how distressing to
the ears of decent people: but all in vain: I was only answered
by a careless laugh, and, 'Oh, Miss Grey, how shocked you are! I'm
so glad!' or, 'Well! I can't help it; papa shouldn't have taught
me: I learned it all from him; and maybe a bit from the coachman.'
Her brother John, ALIAS Master Murray, was about eleven when I
came: a fine, stout, healthy boy, frank and good-natured in the
main, and might have been a decent lad had he been properly
educated; but now he was as rough as a young bear, boisterous,
unruly, unprincipled, untaught, unteachable - at least, for a
governess under his mother's eye. His masters at school might be
able to manage him better - for to school he was sent, greatly to
my relief, in the course of a year; in a state, it is true, of
scandalous ignorance as to Latin, as well as the more useful though
more neglected things: and this, doubtless, would all be laid to
the account of his education having been entrusted to an ignorant
female teacher, who had presumed to take in hand what she was
wholly incompetent to perform. I was not delivered from his
brother till full twelve months after, when he also was despatched
in the same state of disgraceful ignorance as the former.
Master Charles was his mother's peculiar darling. He was little
more than a year younger than John, but much smaller, paler, and
less active and robust; a pettish, cowardly, capricious, selfish
little fellow, only active in doing mischief, and only clever in
inventing falsehoods: not simply to hide his faults, but, in mere
malicious wantonness, to bring odium upon others. In fact, Master
Charles was a very great nuisance to me: it was a trial of
patience to live with him peaceably; to watch over him was worse;
and to teach him, or pretend to teach him, was inconceivable. At
ten years old, he could not read correctly the easiest line in the
simplest book; and as, according to his mother's principle, he was
to be told every word, before he had time to hesitate or examine
its orthography, and never even to be informed, as a stimulant to
exertion, that other boys were more forward than he, it is not
surprising that he made but little progress during the two years I
had charge of his education. His minute portions of Latin grammar,
&c., were to be repeated over to him, till he chose to say he knew
them, and then he was to be helped to say them; if he made mistakes
in his little easy sums in arithmetic, they were to be shown him at
once, and the sum done for him, instead of his being left to
exercise his faculties in finding them out himself; so that, of
course, he took no pains to avoid mistakes, but frequently set down
his figures at random, without any calculation at all.
I did not invariably confine myself to these rules: it was against
my conscience to do so; but I seldom could venture to deviate from
them in the slightest degree, without incurring the wrath of my
little pupil, and subsequently of his mamma; to whom he would
relate my transgressions maliciously exaggerated, or adorned with
embellishments of his own; and often, in consequence, was I on the
point of losing or resigning my situation. But, for their sakes at
home, I smothered my pride and suppressed my indignation, and
managed to struggle on till my little tormentor was despatched to
school; his father declaring that home education was 'no go; for
him, it was plain; his mother spoiled him outrageously, and his
governess could make no hand of him at all.'
A few more observations about Horton Lodge and its ongoings, and I
have done with dry description for the present. The house was a
very respectable one; superior to Mr. Bloomfield's, both in age,
size, and magnificence: the garden was not so tastefully laid out;
but instead of the smooth-shaven lawn, the young trees guarded by
palings, the grove of upstart poplars, and the plantation of firs,
there was a wide park, stocked with deer, and beautified by fine
old trees. The surrounding country itself was pleasant, as far as
fertile fields, flourishing trees, quiet green lanes, and smiling
hedges with wild-flowers scattered along their banks, could make
it; but it was depressingly flat to one born and nurtured among the
rugged hills of -.
We were situated nearly two miles from the village church, and,
consequently, the family carriage was put in requisition every
Sunday morning, and sometimes oftener. Mr. and Mrs. Murray
generally thought it sufficient to show themselves at church once
in the course of the day; but frequently the children preferred
going a second time to wandering about the grounds all the day with
nothing to do. If some of my pupils chose to walk and take me with
them, it was well for me; for otherwise my position in the carriage
was to be crushed into the corner farthest from the open window,
and with my back to the horses: a position which invariably made
me sick; and if I were not actually obliged to leave the church in
the middle of the service, my devotions were disturbed with a
feeling of languor and sickliness, and the tormenting fear of its
becoming worse: and a depressing headache was generally my
companion throughout the day, which would otherwise have been one
of welcome rest, and holy, calm enjoyment.
'It's very odd, Miss Grey, that the carriage should always make you
sick: it never makes ME,' remarked Miss Matilda,
'Nor me either,' said her sister; 'but I dare say it would, if I
sat where she does - such a nasty, horrid place, Miss Grey; I
wonder how you can bear it!'
'I am obliged to bear it, since no choice is left me,' - I might
have answered; but in tenderness for their feelings I only replied,
- 'Oh! it is but a short way, and if I am not sick in church, I
don't mind it.'
If I were called upon to give a description of the usual divisions
and arrangements of the day, I should find it a very difficult
matter. I had all my meals in the schoolroom with my pupils, at
such times as suited their fancy: sometimes they would ring for
dinner before it was half cooked; sometimes they would keep it
waiting on the table for above an hour, and then be out of humour
because the potatoes were cold, and the gravy covered with cakes of
solid fat; sometimes they would have tea at four; frequently, they
would storm at the servants because it was not in precisely at
five; and when these orders were obeyed, by way of encouragement to
punctuality, they would keep it on the table till seven or eight.
Their hours of study were managed in much the same way; my judgment
or convenience was never once consulted. Sometimes Matilda and
John would determine 'to get all the plaguy business over before
breakfast,' and send the maid to call me up at half-past five,
without any scruple or apology; sometimes, I was told to be ready
precisely at six, and, having dressed in a hurry, came down to an
empty room, and after waiting a long time in suspense, discovered
that they had changed their minds, and were still in bed; or,
perhaps, if it were a fine summer morning, Brown would come to tell
me that the young ladies and gentlemen had taken a holiday, and
were gone out; and then I was kept waiting for breakfast till I was
almost ready to faint: they having fortified themselves with
something before they went.
Often they would do their lessons in the open air; which I had
nothing to say against: except that I frequently caught cold by
sitting on the damp grass, or from exposure to the evening dew, or
some insidious draught, which seemed to have no injurious effect on
them. It was quite right that they should be hardy; yet, surely,
they might have been taught some consideration for others who were
less so. But I must not blame them for what was, perhaps, my own
fault; for I never made any particular objections to sitting where
they pleased; foolishly choosing to risk the consequences, rather
than trouble them for my convenience. Their indecorous manner of
doing their lessons was quite as remarkable as the caprice
displayed in their choice of time and place. While receiving my
instructions, or repeating what they had learned, they would lounge
upon the sofa, lie on the rug, stretch, yawn, talk to each other,
or look out of the window; whereas, I could not so much as stir the
fire, or pick up the handkerchief I had dropped, without being
rebuked for inattention by one of my pupils, or told that 'mamma
would not like me to be so careless.'
The servants, seeing in what little estimation the governess was
held by both parents and children, regulated their behaviour by the
same standard. I have frequently stood up for them, at the risk of
some injury to myself, against the tyranny and injustice of their
young masters and mistresses; and I always endeavoured to give them
as little trouble as possible: but they entirely neglected my
comfort, despised my requests, and slighted my directions. All
servants, I am convinced, would not have done so; but domestics in
general, being ignorant and little accustomed to reason and
reflection, are too easily corrupted by the carelessness and bad
example of those above them; and these, I think, were not of the
best order to begin with.
I sometimes felt myself degraded by the life I led, and ashamed of
submitting to so many indignities; and sometimes I thought myself a
fool for caring so much about them, and feared I must be sadly
wanting in Christian humility, or that charity which 'suffereth
long and is kind, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked,
beareth all things, endureth all things.'
But, with time and patience, matters began to be slightly
ameliorated: slowly, it is true, and almost imperceptibly; but I
got rid of my male pupils (that was no trifling advantage), and the
girls, as I intimated before concerning one of them, became a
little less insolent, and began to show some symptoms of esteem.
'Miss Grey was a queer creature: she never flattered, and did not
praise them half enough; but whenever she did speak favourably of
them, or anything belonging to them, they could be quite sure her
approbation was sincere. She was very obliging, quiet, and
peaceable in the main, but there were some things that put her out
of temper: they did not much care for that, to be sure, but still
it was better to keep her in tune; as when she was in a good humour
she would talk to them, and be very agreeable and amusing
sometimes, in her way; which was quite different to mamma's, but
still very well for a change. She had her own opinions on every
subject, and kept steadily to them - very tiresome opinions they
often were; as she was always thinking of what was right and what
was wrong, and had a strange reverence for matters connected with
religion, and an unaccountable liking to good people.'
CHAPTER VIII - THE 'COMING OUT'
AT eighteen, Miss Murray was to emerge from the quiet obscurity of
the schoolroom into the full blaze of the fashionable world - as
much of it, at least, as could be had out of London; for her papa
could not be persuaded to leave his rural pleasures and pursuits,
even for a few weeks' residence in town. She was to make her debut
on the third of January, at a magnificent ball, which her mamma
proposed to give to all the nobility and choice gentry of O- and
its neighbourhood for twenty miles round. Of course, she looked
forward to it with the wildest impatience, and the most extravagant
anticipations of delight.
'Miss Grey,' said she, one evening, a month before the allimportant
day, as I was perusing a long and extremely interesting
letter of my sister's - which I had just glanced at in the morning
to see that it contained no very bad news, and kept till now,
unable before to find a quiet moment for reading it, - 'Miss Grey,
do put away that dull, stupid letter, and listen to me! I'm sure
my talk must be far more amusing than that.'
She seated herself on the low stool at my feet; and I, suppressing
a sigh of vexation, began to fold up the epistle.
'You should tell the good people at home not to bore you with such
long letters,' said she; 'and, above all, do bid them write on
proper note-paper, and not on those great vulgar sheets. You
should see the charming little lady-like notes mamma writes to her
friends.'
'The good people at home,' replied I, 'know very well that the
longer their letters are, the better I like them. I should be very
sorry to receive a charming little lady-like note from any of them;
and I thought you were too much of a lady yourself, Miss Murray, to
talk about the "vulgarity" of writing on a large sheet of paper.'
'Well, I only said it to tease you. But now I want to talk about
the ball; and to tell you that you positively must put off your
holidays till it is over.'
'Why so? - I shall not be present at the ball.'
'No, but you will see the rooms decked out before it begins, and
hear the music, and, above all, see me in my splendid new dress. I
shall be so charming, you'll be ready to worship me - you really
must stay.'
'I should like to see you very much; but I shall have many
opportunities of seeing you equally charming, on the occasion of
some of the numberless balls and parties that are to be, and I
cannot disappoint my friends by postponing my return so long.'
'Oh, never mind your friends! Tell them we won't let you go.'
'But, to say the truth, it would be a disappointment to myself: I
long to see them as much as they to see me - perhaps more.'
'Well, but it is such a short time.'
'Nearly a fortnight by my computation; and, besides, I cannot bear
the thoughts of a Christmas spent from home: and, moreover, my
sister is going to be married.'
'Is she - when?'
'Not till next month; but I want to be there to assist her in
making preparations, and to make the best of her company while we
have her.'
'Why didn't you tell me before?'
'I've only got the news in this letter, which you stigmatize as
dull and stupid, and won't let me read.'
'To whom is she to be married?'
'To Mr. Richardson, the vicar of a neighbouring parish.'
'Is he rich?'
'No; only comfortable.'
'Is he handsome?'
'No; only decent.'
'Young?'
'No; only middling.'
'Oh, mercy! what a wretch! What sort of a house is it?'
'A quiet little vicarage, with an ivy-clad porch, an old-fashioned
garden, and - '
'Oh, stop! - you'll make me sick. How CAN she bear it?'
'I expect she'll not only be able to bear it, but to be very happy.
You did not ask me if Mr. Richardson were a good, wise, or amiable
man; I could have answered Yes, to all these questions - at least
so Mary thinks, and I hope she will not find herself mistaken.'
'But - miserable creature! how can she think of spending her life
there, cooped up with that nasty old man; and no hope of change?'
'He is not old: he's only six or seven and thirty; and she herself
is twenty-eight, and as sober as if she were fifty.'
'Oh! that's better then - they're well matched; but do they call
him the "worthy vicar"?'
'I don't know; but if they do, I believe he merits the epithet.'
'Mercy, how shocking! and will she wear a white apron and make pies
and puddings?'
'I don't know about the white apron, but I dare say she will make
pies and puddings now and then; but that will be no great hardship,
as she has done it before.'
'And will she go about in a plain shawl, and a large straw bonnet,
carrying tracts and bone soup to her husband's poor parishioners?'
'I'm not clear about that; but I dare say she will do her best to
make them comfortable in body and mind, in accordance with our
mother's example.'
CHAPTER IX - THE BALL
'NOW, Miss Grey,' exclaimed Miss Murray, immediately I entered the
schoolroom, after having taken off my outdoor garments, upon
returning from my four weeks' recreation, 'Now - shut the door, and
sit down, and I'll tell you all about the ball.'
'No - damn it, no!' shouted Miss Matilda. 'Hold your tongue, can't
ye? and let me tell her about my new mare - SUCH a splendour, Miss
Grey! a fine blood mare - '
'Do be quiet, Matilda; and let me tell my news first.'
'No, no, Rosalie; you'll be such a damned long time over it - she
shall hear me first - I'll be hanged if she doesn't!'
'I'm sorry to hear, Miss Matilda, that you've not got rid of that
shocking habit yet.'
'Well, I can't help it: but I'll never say a wicked word again, if
you'll only listen to me, and tell Rosalie to hold her confounded
tongue.'
Rosalie remonstrated, and I thought I should have been torn in
pieces between them; but Miss Matilda having the loudest voice, her
sister at length gave in, and suffered her to tell her story first:
so I was doomed to hear a long account of her splendid mare, its
breeding and pedigree, its paces, its action, its spirit, &c., and
of her own amazing skill and courage in riding it; concluding with
an assertion that she could clear a five-barred gate 'like
winking,' that papa said she might hunt the next time the hounds
met, and mamma had ordered a bright scarlet hunting-habit for her.
'Oh, Matilda! what stories you are telling!' exclaimed her sister.
'Well,' answered she, no whit abashed, 'I know I COULD clear a
five-barred gate, if I tried, and papa WILL say I may hunt, and
mamma WILL order the habit when I ask it.'
'Well, now get along,' replied Miss Murray; 'and do, dear Matilda,
try to be a little more lady-like. Miss Grey, I wish you would
tell her not to use such shocking words; she will call her horse a
mare: it is so inconceivably shocking! and then she uses such
dreadful expressions in describing it: she must have learned it
from the grooms. It nearly puts me into fits when she begins.'
'I learned it from papa, you ass! and his jolly friends,' said the
young lady, vigorously cracking a hunting-whip, which she
habitually carried in her hand. 'I'm as good judge of horseflesh
as the best of 'm.'
'Well, now get along, you shocking girl! I really shall take a fit
if you go on in such a way. And now, Miss Grey, attend to me; I'm
going to tell you about the ball. You must be dying to hear about
it, I know. Oh, SUCH a ball! You never saw or heard, or read, or
dreamt of anything like it in all your life. The decorations, the
entertainment, the supper, the music were indescribable! and then
the guests! There were two noblemen, three baronets, and five
titled ladies, and other ladies and gentlemen innumerable. The
ladies, of course, were of no consequence to me, except to put me
in a good humour with myself, by showing how ugly and awkward most
of them were; and the best, mamma told me, - the most transcendent
beauties among them, were nothing to me. As for me, Miss Grey -
I'm so SORRY you didn't see me! I was CHARMING - wasn't I,
Matilda?'
'Middling.'
'No, but I really was - at least so mamma said - and Brown and
Williamson. Brown said she was sure no gentleman could set eyes on
me without falling in love that minute; and so I may be allowed to
be a little vain. I know you think me a shocking, conceited,
frivolous girl; but then, you know, I don't attribute it ALL to my
personal attractions: I give some praise to the hairdresser, and
some to my exquisitely lovely dress - you must see it to-morrow -
white gauze over pink satin - and so SWEETLY made! and a necklace
and bracelet of beautiful, large pearls!'
'I have no doubt you looked very charming: but should that delight
you so very much?'
'Oh, no! - not that alone: but, then, I was so much admired; and I
made so MANY conquests in that one night - you'd be astonished to
hear - '
'But what good will they do you?'
'What good! Think of any woman asking that!'
'Well, I should think one conquest would be enough; and too much,
unless the subjugation were mutual.'
'Oh, but you know I never agree with you on those points. Now,
wait a bit, and I'll tell you my principal admirers - those who
made themselves very conspicuous that night and after: for I've
been to two parties since. Unfortunately the two noblemen, Lord Gand
Lord F-, were married, or I might have condescended to be
particularly gracious to THEM; as it was, I did not: though Lord
F-, who hates his wife, was evidently much struck with me. He
asked me to dance with him twice - he is a charming dancer, by-theby,
and so am I: you can't think how well I did - I was astonished
at myself. My lord was very complimentary too - rather too much so
in fact - and I thought proper to be a little haughty and
repellent; but I had the pleasure of seeing his nasty, cross wife
ready to perish with spite and vexation - '
'Oh, Miss Murray! you don't mean to say that such a thing could
really give you pleasure? However cross or - '
'Well, I know it's very wrong; - but never mind! I mean to be good
some time - only don't preach now, there's a good creature. I
haven't told you half yet. Let me see. Oh! I was going to tell
you how many unmistakeable admirers I had:- Sir Thomas Ashby was
one, - Sir Hugh Meltham and Sir Broadley Wilson are old codgers,
only fit companions for papa and mamma. Sir Thomas is young, rich,
and gay; but an ugly beast, nevertheless: however, mamma says I
should not mind that after a few months' acquaintance. Then, there
was Henry Meltham, Sir Hugh's younger son; rather good-looking, and
a pleasant fellow to flirt with: but BEING a younger son, that is
all he is good for; then there was young Mr. Green, rich enough,
but of no family, and a great stupid fellow, a mere country booby!
and then, our good rector, Mr. Hatfield: an HUMBLE admirer he
ought to consider himself; but I fear he has forgotten to number
humility among his stock of Christian virtues.'
'Was Mr. Hatfield at the ball?'
'Yes, to he sure. Did you think he was too good to go?'
'I thought be might consider it unclerical.'
'By no means. He did not profane his cloth by dancing; but it was
with difficulty he could refrain, poor man: he looked as if he
were dying to ask my hand just for ONE set; and - oh! by-the-by -
he's got a new curate: that seedy old fellow Mr. Bligh has got his
long-wished-for living at last, and is gone.'
'And what is the new one like?'
'Oh, SUCH a beast! Weston his name is. I can give you his
description in three words - an insensate, ugly, stupid blockhead.
That's four, but no matter - enough of HIM now.'
Then she returned to the ball, and gave me a further account of her
deportment there, and at the several parties she had since
attended; and further particulars respecting Sir Thomas Ashby and
Messrs. Meltham, Green, and Hatfield, and the ineffaceable
impression she had wrought upon each of them.
'Well, which of the four do you like best?' said I, suppressing my
third or fourth yawn.
'I detest them all!' replied she, shaking her bright ringlets in
vivacious scorn.
'That means, I suppose, "I like them all" - but which most?'
'No, I really detest them all; but Harry Meltham is the handsomest
and most amusing, and Mr. Hatfield the cleverest, Sir Thomas the
wickedest, and Mr. Green the most stupid. But the one I'm to have,
I suppose, if I'm doomed to have any of them, is Sir Thomas Ashby.'
'Surely not, if he's so wicked, and if you dislike him?'
'Oh, I don't mind his being wicked: he's all the better for that;
and as for disliking him - I shouldn't greatly object to being Lady
Ashby of Ashby Park, if I must marry. But if I could be always
young, I would be always single. I should like to enjoy myself
thoroughly, and coquet with all the world, till I am on the verge
of being called an old maid; and then, to escape the infamy of
that, after having made ten thousand conquests, to break all their
hearts save one, by marrying some high-born, rich, indulgent
husband, whom, on the other hand, fifty ladies were dying to have.'
'Well, as long as you entertain these views, keep single by all
means, and never marry at all: not even to escape the infamy of
old-maidenhood.'
CHAPTER X - THE CHURCH
'WELL, Miss Grey, what do you think of the new curate?' asked Miss
Murray, on our return from church the Sunday after the
recommencement of our duties.
'I can scarcely tell,' was my reply: 'I have not even heard him
preach.'
'Well, but you saw him, didn't you?'
'Yes, but I cannot pretend to judge of a man's character by a
single cursory glance at his face.'
'But isn't he ugly?'
'He did not strike me as being particularly so; I don't dislike
that cast of countenance: but the only thing I particularly
noticed about him was his style of reading; which appeared to me
good - infinitely better, at least, than Mr. Hatfield's. He read
the Lessons as if he were bent on giving full effect to every
passage; it seemed as if the most careless person could not have
helped attending, nor the most ignorant have failed to understand;
and the prayers he read as if he were not reading at all, but
praying earnestly and sincerely from his own heart.'
'Oh, yes, that's all he is good for: he can plod through the
service well enough; but he has not a single idea beyond it.'
'How do you know?'
'Oh! I know perfectly well; I am an excellent judge in such
matters. Did you see how he went out of church? stumping along -
as if there were nobody there but himself - never looking to the
right hand or the left, and evidently thinking of nothing but just
getting out of the church, and, perhaps, home to his dinner: his
great stupid head could contain no other idea.'
'I suppose you would have had him cast a glance into the squire's
pew,' said I, laughing at the vehemence of her hostility.
'Indeed! I should have been highly indignant if he had dared to do
such a thing!' replied she, haughtily tossing her head; then, after
a moment's reflection, she added - 'Well, well! I suppose he's
good enough for his place: but I'm glad I'm not dependent on HIM
for amusement - that's all. Did you see how Mr. Hatfield hurried
out to get a bow from me, and be in time to put us into the
carriage?'
'Yes,' answered I; internally adding, 'and I thought it somewhat
derogatory to his dignity as a clergyman to come flying from the
pulpit in such eager haste to shake hands with the squire, and hand
his wife and daughters into their carriage: and, moreover, I owe
him a grudge for nearly shutting me out of it'; for, in fact,
though I was standing before his face, close beside the carriage
steps, waiting to get in, he would persist in putting them up and
closing the door, till one of the family stopped him by calling out
that the governess was not in yet; then, without a word of apology,
he departed, wishing them good-morning, and leaving the footman to
finish the business.
NOTA BENE. - Mr. Hatfield never spoke to me, neither did Sir Hugh
or Lady Meltham, nor Mr. Harry or Miss Meltham, nor Mr. Green or
his sisters, nor any other lady or gentleman who frequented that
church: nor, in fact, any one that visited at Horton Lodge.
Miss Murray ordered the carriage again, in the afternoon, for
herself and her sister: she said it was too cold for them to enjoy
themselves in the garden; and besides, she believed Harry Meltham
would be at church. 'For,' said she, smiling slyly at her own fair
image in the glass, 'he has been a most exemplary attendant at
church these last few Sundays: you would think he was quite a good
Christian. And you may go with us, Miss Grey: I want you to see
him; he is so greatly improved since he returned from abroad - you
can't think! And besides, then you will have an opportunity of
seeing the beautiful Mr. Weston again, and of hearing him preach.'
I did hear him preach, and was decidedly pleased with the
evangelical truth of his doctrine, as well as the earnest
simplicity of his manner, and the clearness and force of his style.
It was truly refreshing to hear such a sermon, after being so long
accustomed to the dry, prosy discourses of the former curate, and
the still less edifying harangues of the rector. Mr. Hatfield
would come sailing up the aisle, or rather sweeping along like a
whirlwind, with his rich silk gown flying behind him and rustling
against the pew doors, mount the pulpit like a conqueror ascending
his triumphal car; then, sinking on the velvet cushion in an
attitude of studied grace, remain in silent prostration for a
certain time; then mutter over a Collect, and gabble through the
Lord's Prayer, rise, draw off one bright lavender glove, to give
the congregation the benefit of his sparkling rings, lightly pass
his fingers through his well-curled hair, flourish a cambric
handkerchief, recite a very short passage, or, perhaps, a mere
phrase of Scripture, as a head-piece to his discourse, and,
finally, deliver a composition which, as a composition, might be
considered good, though far too studied and too artificial to be
pleasing to me: the propositions were well laid down, the
arguments logically conducted; and yet, it was sometimes hard to
listen quietly throughout, without some slight demonstrations of
disapproval or impatience.
His favourite subjects were church discipline, rites and
ceremonies, apostolical succession, the duty of reverence and
obedience to the clergy, the atrocious criminality of dissent, the
absolute necessity of observing all the forms of godliness, the
reprehensible presumption of individuals who attempted to think for
themselves in matters connected with religion, or to be guided by
their own interpretations of Scripture, and, occasionally (to
please his wealthy parishioners) the necessity of deferential
obedience from the poor to the rich - supporting his maxims and
exhortations throughout with quotations from the Fathers: with
whom he appeared to be far better acquainted than with the Apostles
and Evangelists, and whose importance he seemed to consider at
least equal to theirs. But now and then he gave us a sermon of a
different order - what some would call a very good one; but sunless
and severe: representing the Deity as a terrible taskmaster rather
than a benevolent father. Yet, as I listened, I felt inclined to
think the man was sincere in all he said: he must have changed his
views, and become decidedly religious, gloomy and austere, yet
still devout. But such illusions were usually dissipated, on
coming out of church, by hearing his voice in jocund colloquy with
some of the Melthams or Greens, or, perhaps, the Murrays
themselves; probably laughing at his own sermon, and hoping that he
had given the rascally people something to think about; perchance,
exulting in the thought that old Betty Holmes would now lay aside
the sinful indulgence of her pipe, which had been her daily solace
for upwards of thirty years: that George Higgins would be
frightened out of his Sabbath evening walks, and Thomas Jackson
would be sorely troubled in his conscience, and shaken in his sure
and certain hope of a joyful resurrection at the last day.
Thus, I could not but conclude that Mr. Hatfield was one of those
who 'bind heavy burdens, and grievous to be borne, and lay them
upon men's shoulders, while they themselves will not move them with
one of their fingers'; and who 'make the word of God of none effect
by their traditions, teaching for doctrines the commandments of
men.' I was well pleased to observe that the new curate resembled
him, as far as I could see, in none of these particulars.
'Well, Miss Grey, what do you think of him now?' said Miss Murray,
as we took our places in the carriage after service.
'No harm still,' replied I.
'No harm!' repeated she in amazement. 'What do you mean?'
'I mean, I think no worse of him than I did before.'
'No worse! I should think not indeed - quite the contrary! Is he
not greatly improved?'
'Oh, yes; very much indeed,' replied I; for I had now discovered
that it was Harry Meltham she meant, not Mr. Weston. That
gentleman had eagerly come forward to speak to the young ladies: a
thing he would hardly have ventured to do had their mother been
present; he had likewise politely handed them into the carriage.
He had not attempted to shut me out, like Mr. Hatfield; neither, of
course, had he offered me his assistance (I should not have
accepted it, if he had), but as long as the door remained open he
had stood smirking and chatting with them, and then lifted his hat
and departed to his own abode: but I had scarcely noticed him all
the time. My companions, however, had been more observant; and, as
we rolled along, they discussed between them not only his looks,
words, and actions, but every feature of his face, and every
article of his apparel.
'You shan't have him all to yourself, Rosalie,' said Miss Matilda
at the close of this discussion; 'I like him: I know he'd make a
nice, jolly companion for me.'
'Well, you're quite welcome to him, Matilda,' replied her sister,
in a tone of affected indifference.
'And I'm sure,' continued the other, 'he admires me quite as much
as he does you; doesn't he, Miss Grey?'
'I don't know; I'm not acquainted with his sentiments.'
'Well, but he DOES though.'
'My DEAR Matilda! nobody will ever admire you till you get rid of
your rough, awkward manners.'
'Oh, stuff! Harry Meltham likes such manners; and so do papa's
friends.'
'Well, you MAY captivate old men, and younger sons; but nobody
else, I am sure, will ever take a fancy to you.'
'I don't care: I'm not always grabbing after money, like you and
mamma. If my husband is able to keep a few good horses and dogs, I
shall be quite satisfied; and all the rest may go to the devil!'
'Well, if you use such shocking expressions, I'm sure no real
gentleman will ever venture to come near you. Really, Miss Grey,
you should not let her do so.'
'I can't possibly prevent it, Miss Murray.'
'And you're quite mistaken, Matilda, in supposing that Harry
Meltham admires you: I assure you he does nothing of the kind.'
Matilda was beginning an angry reply; but, happily, our journey was
now at an end; and the contention was cut short by the footman
opening the carriage-door, and letting down the steps for our
descent.
CHAPTER XI - THE COTTAGERS
AS I had now only one regular pupil - though she contrived to give
me as much trouble as three or four ordinary ones, and though her
sister still took lessons in German and drawing - I had
considerably more time at my own disposal than I had ever been
blessed with before, since I had taken upon me the governess's
yoke; which time I devoted partly to correspondence with my
friends, partly to reading, study, and the practice of music,
singing, &c., partly to wandering in the grounds or adjacent
fields, with my pupils if they wanted me, alone if they did not.
Often, when they had no more agreeable occupation at hand, the
Misses Murray would amuse themselves with visiting the poor
cottagers on their father's estate, to receive their flattering
homage, or to hear the old stories or gossiping news of the
garrulous old women; or, perhaps, to enjoy the purer pleasure of
making the poor people happy with their cheering presence and their
occasional gifts, so easily bestowed, so thankfully received.
Sometimes, I was called upon to accompany one or both of the
sisters in these visits; and sometimes I was desired to go alone,
to fulfil some promise which they had been more ready to make than
to perform; to carry some small donation, or read to one who was
sick or seriously disposed: and thus I made a few acquaintances
among the cottagers; and, occasionally, I went to see them on my
own account.
I generally had more satisfaction in going alone than with either
of the young ladies; for they, chiefly owing to their defective
education, comported themselves towards their inferiors in a manner
that was highly disagreeable for me to witness. They never, in
thought, exchanged places with them; and, consequently, had no
consideration for their feelings, regarding them as an order of
beings entirely different from themselves. They would watch the
poor creatures at their meals, making uncivil remarks about their
food, and their manner of eating; they would laugh at their simple
notions and provincial expressions, till some of them scarcely
durst venture to speak; they would call the grave elderly men and
women old fools and silly old blockheads to their faces: and all
this without meaning to offend. I could see that the people were
often hurt and annoyed by such conduct, though their fear of the
'grand ladies' prevented them from testifying any resentment; but
THEY never perceived it. They thought that, as these cottagers
were poor and untaught, they must be stupid and brutish; and as
long as they, their superiors, condescended to talk to them, and to
give them shillings and half-crowns, or articles of clothing, they
had a right to amuse themselves, even at their expense; and the
people must adore them as angels of light, condescending to
minister to their necessities, and enlighten their humble
dwellings.
I made many and various attempts to deliver my pupils from these
delusive notions without alarming their pride - which was easily
offended, and not soon appeased - but with little apparent result;
and I know not which was the more reprehensible of the two:
Matilda was more rude and boisterous; but from Rosalie's womanly
age and lady-like exterior better things were expected: yet she
was as provokingly careless and inconsiderate as a giddy child of
twelve.
One bright day in the last week of February, I was walking in the
park, enjoying the threefold luxury of solitude, a book, and
pleasant weather; for Miss Matilda had set out on her daily ride,
and Miss Murray was gone in the carriage with her mamma to pay some
morning calls. But it struck me that I ought to leave these
selfish pleasures, and the park with its glorious canopy of bright
blue sky, the west wind sounding through its yet leafless branches,
the snow-wreaths still lingering in its hollows, but melting fast
beneath the sun, and the graceful deer browsing on its moist
herbage already assuming the freshness and verdure of spring - and
go to the cottage of one Nancy Brown, a widow, whose son was at
work all day in the fields, and who was afflicted with an
inflammation in the eyes; which had for some time incapacitated her
from reading: to her own great grief, for she was a woman of a
serious, thoughtful turn of mind. I accordingly went, and found
her alone, as usual, in her little, close, dark cottage, redolent
of smoke and confined air, but as tidy and clean as she could make
it. She was seated beside her little fire (consisting of a few red
cinders and a bit of stick), busily knitting, with a small
sackcloth cushion at her feet, placed for the accommodation of her
gentle friend the cat, who was seated thereon, with her long tail
half encircling her velvet paws, and her half-closed eyes dreamily
gazing on the low, crooked fender.
'Well, Nancy, how are you to-day?'
'Why, middling, Miss, i' myseln - my eyes is no better, but I'm a
deal easier i' my mind nor I have been,' replied she, rising to
welcome me with a contented smile; which I was glad to see, for
Nancy had been somewhat afflicted with religious melancholy. I
congratulated her upon the change. She agreed that it was a great
blessing, and expressed herself 'right down thankful for it';
adding, 'If it please God to spare my sight, and make me so as I
can read my Bible again, I think I shall be as happy as a queen.'
'I hope He will, Nancy,' replied I; 'and, meantime, I'll come and
read to you now and then, when I have a little time to spare.'
With expressions of grateful pleasure, the poor woman moved to get
me a chair; but, as I saved her the trouble, she busied herself
with stirring the fire, and adding a few more sticks to the
decaying embers; and then, taking her well-used Bible from the
shelf, dusted it carefully, and gave it me. On my asking if there
was any particular part she should like me to read, she answered -
'Well, Miss Grey, if it's all the same to you, I should like to
hear that chapter in the First Epistle of St. John, that says, "God
is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in
him."'
With a little searching, I found these words in the fourth chapter.
When I came to the seventh verse she interrupted me, and, with
needless apologies for such a liberty, desired me to read it very
slowly, that she might take it all in, and dwell on every word;
hoping I would excuse her, as she was but a 'simple body.'
'The wisest person,' I replied, 'might think over each of these
verses for an hour, and be all the better for it; and I would
rather read them slowly than not.'
Accordingly, I finished the chapter as slowly as need be, and at
the same time as impressively as I could; my auditor listened most
attentively all the while, and sincerely thanked me when I had
done. I sat still about half a minute to give her time to reflect
upon it; when, somewhat to my surprise, she broke the pause by
asking me how I liked Mr. Weston?
'I don't know,' I replied, a little startled by the suddenness of
the question; 'I think he preaches very well.'
'Ay, he does so; and talks well too.'
'Does he?'
'He does. Maybe, you haven't seen him - not to talk to him much,
yet?'
'No, I never see any one to talk to - except the young ladies of
the Hall.'
'Ah; they're nice, kind young ladies; but they can't talk as he
does.'
'Then he comes to see you, Nancy?'
'He does, Miss; and I'se thankful for it. He comes to see all us
poor bodies a deal ofter nor Maister Bligh, or th' Rector ever did;
an' it's well he does, for he's always welcome: we can't say as
much for th' Rector - there is 'at says they're fair feared on him.
When he comes into a house, they say he's sure to find summut
wrong, and begin a-calling 'em as soon as he crosses th' doorstuns:
but maybe he thinks it his duty like to tell 'em what's wrong. And
very oft he comes o' purpose to reprove folk for not coming to
church, or not kneeling an' standing when other folk does, or going
to the Methody chapel, or summut o' that sort: but I can't say 'at
he ever fund much fault wi' me. He came to see me once or twice,
afore Maister Weston come, when I was so ill troubled in my mind;
and as I had only very poor health besides, I made bold to send for
him - and he came right enough. I was sore distressed, Miss Grey -
thank God, it's owered now - but when I took my Bible, I could get
no comfort of it at all. That very chapter 'at you've just been
reading troubled me as much as aught - "He that loveth not, knoweth
not God." It seemed fearsome to me; for I felt that I loved
neither God nor man as I should do, and could not, if I tried ever
so. And th' chapter afore, where it says, - "He that is born of
God cannot commit sin." And another place where it says, - "Love
is the fulfilling of the Law." And many, many others, Miss: I
should fair weary you out, if I was to tell them all. But all
seemed to condemn me, and to show me 'at I was not in the right
way; and as I knew not how to get into it, I sent our Bill to beg
Maister Hatfield to be as kind as look in on me some day and when
he came, I telled him all my troubles.'
'And what did he say, Nancy?'
'Why, Miss, he seemed to scorn me. I might be mista'en - but he
like gave a sort of a whistle, and I saw a bit of a smile on his
face; and he said, "Oh, it's all stuff! You've been among the
Methodists, my good woman." But I telled him I'd never been near
the Methodies. And then he said, - "Well," says he, "you must come
to church, where you'll hear the Scriptures properly explained,
instead of sitting poring over your Bible at home."
'But I telled him I always used coming to church when I had my
health; but this very cold winter weather I hardly durst venture so
far - and me so bad wi' th' rheumatic and all.
'But he says, "It'll do your rheumatiz good to hobble to church:
there's nothing like exercise for the rheumatiz. You can walk
about the house well enough; why can't you walk to church? The
fact is," says he, "you're getting too fond of your ease. It's
always easy to find excuses for shirking one's duty."
'But then, you know, Miss Grey, it wasn't so. However, I telled
him I'd try. "But please, sir," says I, "if I do go to church,
what the better shall I be? I want to have my sins blotted out,
and to feel that they are remembered no more against me, and that
the love of God is shed abroad in my heart; and if I can get no
good by reading my Bible an' saying my prayers at home, what good
shall I get by going to church?'
'"The church," says he, "is the place appointed by God for His
worship. It's your duty to go there as often as you can. If you
want comfort, you must seek it in the path of duty," - an' a deal
more he said, but I cannot remember all his fine words. However,
it all came to this, that I was to come to church as oft as ever I
could, and bring my prayer-book with me, an' read up all the
sponsers after the clerk, an' stand, an' kneel, an' sit, an' do all
as I should, and take the Lord's Supper at every opportunity, an'
hearken his sermons, and Maister Bligh's, an' it 'ud be all right:
if I went on doing my duty, I should get a blessing at last.
'"But if you get no comfort that way," says he, "it's all up."
'"Then, sir," says I, "should you think I'm a reprobate?"
'"Why," says he - he says, "if you do your best to get to heaven
and can't manage it, you must be one of those that seek to enter in
at the strait gate and shall not be able."
'An' then he asked me if I'd seen any of the ladies o' th' Hall
about that mornin'; so I telled him where I had seen the young
misses go on th' Moss Lane; - an' he kicked my poor cat right
across th' floor, an' went after 'em as gay as a lark: but I was
very sad. That last word o' his fair sunk into my heart, an' lay
there like a lump o' lead, till I was weary to bear it.
'Howsever, I follered his advice: I thought he meant it all for
th' best, though he HAD a queer way with him. But you know, Miss,
he's rich an' young, and such like cannot right understand the
thoughts of a poor old woman such as me. But, howsever, I did my
best to do all as he bade me - but maybe I'm plaguing you, Miss,
wi' my chatter.'
'Oh, no, Nancy! Go on, and tell me all.'
'Well, my rheumatiz got better - I know not whether wi' going to
church or not, but one frosty Sunday I got this cold i' my eyes.
Th' inflammation didn't come on all at once like, but bit by bit -
but I wasn't going to tell you about my eyes, I was talking about
my trouble o' mind; - and to tell the truth, Miss Grey, I don't
think it was anyways eased by coming to church - nought to speak
on, at least: I like got my health better; but that didn't mend my
soul. I hearkened and hearkened the ministers, and read an' read
at my prayer-book; but it was all like sounding brass and a
tinkling cymbal: the sermons I couldn't understand, an' th'
prayer-book only served to show me how wicked I was, that I could
read such good words an' never be no better for it, and oftens feel
it a sore labour an' a heavy task beside, instead of a blessing and
a privilege as all good Christians does. It seemed like as all
were barren an' dark to me. And then, them dreadful words, "Many
shall seek to enter in, and shall not be able." They like as they
fair dried up my sperrit.
'But one Sunday, when Maister Hatfield gave out about the
sacrament, I noticed where he said, "If there be any of you that
cannot quiet his own conscience, but requireth further comfort or
counsel, let him come to me, or some other discreet and learned
minister of God's word, and open his grief!" So next Sunday
morning, afore service, I just looked into the vestry, an' began atalking
to th' Rector again. I hardly could fashion to take such a
liberty, but I thought when my soul was at stake I shouldn't stick
at a trifle. But he said he hadn't time to attend to me then.
'"And, indeed," says he, "I've nothing to say to you but what I've
said before. Take the sacrament, of course, and go on doing your
duty; and if that won't serve you, nothing will. So don't bother
me any more."
'So then, I went away. But I heard Maister Weston - Maister Weston
was there, Miss - this was his first Sunday at Horton, you know,
an' he was i' th' vestry in his surplice, helping th' Rector on
with his gown - '
'Yes, Nancy.'
'And I heard him ask Maister Hatfield who I was, an' he says, "Oh,
she's a canting old fool."
'And I was very ill grieved, Miss Grey; but I went to my seat, and
I tried to do my duty as aforetime: but I like got no peace. An'
I even took the sacrament; but I felt as though I were eating and
drinking to my own damnation all th' time. So I went home, sorely
troubled.
'But next day, afore I'd gotten fettled up - for indeed, Miss, I'd
no heart to sweeping an' fettling, an' washing pots; so I sat me
down i' th' muck - who should come in but Maister Weston! I
started siding stuff then, an' sweeping an' doing; and I expected
he'd begin a-calling me for my idle ways, as Maister Hatfield would
a' done; but I was mista'en: he only bid me good-mornin' like, in
a quiet dacent way. So I dusted him a chair, an' fettled up th'
fireplace a bit; but I hadn't forgotten th' Rector's words, so says
I, "I wonder, sir, you should give yourself that trouble, to come
so far to see a 'canting old fool,' such as me."
'He seemed taken aback at that; but he would fain persuade me 'at
the Rector was only in jest; and when that wouldn't do, he says,
"Well, Nancy, you shouldn't think so much about it: Mr. Hatfield
was a little out of humour just then: you know we're none of us
perfect - even Moses spoke unadvisedly with his lips. But now sit
down a minute, if you can spare the time, and tell me all your
doubts and fears; and I'll try to remove them."
'So I sat me down anent him. He was quite a stranger, you know,
Miss Grey, and even YOUNGER nor Maister Hatfield, I believe; and I
had thought him not so pleasant-looking as him, and rather a bit
crossish, at first, to look at; but he spake so civil like - and
when th' cat, poor thing, jumped on to his knee, he only stroked
her, and gave a bit of a smile: so I thought that was a good sign;
for once, when she did so to th' Rector, he knocked her off, like
as it might be in scorn and anger, poor thing. But you can't
expect a cat to know manners like a Christian, you know, Miss
Grey.'
'No; of course not, Nancy. But what did Mr. Weston say then?'
'He said nought; but he listened to me as steady an' patient as
could be, an' never a bit o' scorn about him; so I went on, an'
telled him all, just as I've telled you - an' more too.
'"Well," says he, "Mr. Hatfield was quite right in telling you to
persevere in doing your duty; but in advising you to go to church
and attend to the service, and so on, he didn't mean that was the
whole of a Christian's duty: he only thought you might there learn
what more was to be done, and be led to take delight in those
exercises, instead of finding them a task and a burden. And if you
had asked him to explain those words that trouble you so much, I
think he would have told you, that if many shall seek to enter in
at the strait gate and shall not be able, it is their own sins that
hinder them; just as a man with a large sack on his back might wish
to pass through a narrow doorway, and find it impossible to do so
unless he would leave his sack behind him. But you, Nancy, I dare
say, have no sins that you would not gladly throw aside, if you
knew how?"
'"Indeed, sir, you speak truth," said I.
'"Well," says he, "you know the first and great commandment - and
the second, which is like unto it - on which two commandments hang
all the law and the prophets? You say you cannot love God; but it
strikes me that if you rightly consider who and what He is, you
cannot help it. He is your father, your best friend: every
blessing, everything good, pleasant, or useful, comes from Him; and
everything evil, everything you have reason to hate, to shun, or to
fear, comes from Satan - HIS enemy as well as ours. And for THIS
cause was God manifest in the flesh, that He might destroy the
works of the Devil: in one word, God is LOVE; and the more of love
we have within us, the nearer we are to Him and the more of His
spirit we possess."
'"Well, sir," I said, "if I can always think on these things, I
think I might well love God: but how can I love my neighbours,
when they vex me, and be so contrary and sinful as some on 'em is?"
'"It may seem a hard matter," says he, "to love our neighbours, who
have so much of what is evil about them, and whose faults so often
awaken the evil that lingers within ourselves; but remember that HE
made them, and HE loves them; and whosoever loveth him that begat,
loveth him that is begotten also. And if God so loveth us, that He
gave His only begotten Son to die for us, we ought also to love one
another. But if you cannot feel positive affection for those who
do not care for you, you can at least try to do to them as you
would they should do unto you: you can endeavour to pity their
failings and excuse their offences, and to do all the good you can
to those about you. And if you accustom yourself to this, Nancy,
the very effort itself will make you love them in some degree - to
say nothing of the goodwill your kindness would beget in them,
though they might have little else that is good about them. If we
love God and wish to serve Him, let us try to be like Him, to do
His work, to labour for His glory - which is the good of man - to
hasten the coming of His kingdom, which is the peace and happiness
of all the world: however powerless we may seem to be, in doing
all the good we can through life, the humblest of us may do much
towards it: and let us dwell in love, that He may dwell in us and
we in Him. The more happiness we bestow, the more we shall
receive, even here; and the greater will be our reward in heaven
when we rest from our labours." I believe, Miss, them is his very
words, for I've thought 'em ower many a time. An' then he took
that Bible, an' read bits here and there, an' explained 'em as
clear as the day: and it seemed like as a new light broke in on my
soul; an' I felt fair aglow about my heart, an' only wished poor
Bill an' all the world could ha' been there, an' heard it all, and
rejoiced wi' me.
'After he was gone, Hannah Rogers, one o' th' neighbours, came in
and wanted me to help her to wash. I telled her I couldn't just
then, for I hadn't set on th' potaties for th' dinner, nor washed
up th' breakfast stuff yet. So then she began a-calling me for my
nasty idle ways. I was a little bit vexed at first, but I never
said nothing wrong to her: I only telled her like all in a quiet
way, 'at I'd had th' new parson to see me; but I'd get done as
quick as ever I could, an' then come an' help her. So then she
softened down; and my heart like as it warmed towards her, an' in a
bit we was very good friends. An' so it is, Miss Grey, "a soft
answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger." It
isn't only in them you speak to, but in yourself.'
'Very true, Nancy, if we could always remember it.'
'Ay, if we could!'
'And did Mr. Weston ever come to see you again?'
'Yes, many a time; and since my eyes has been so bad, he's sat an'
read to me by the half-hour together: but you know, Miss, he has
other folks to see, and other things to do - God bless him! An'
that next Sunday he preached SUCH a sermon! His text was, "Come
unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest," and them two blessed verses that follows. You wasn't there,
Miss, you was with your friends then - but it made me SO happy!
And I AM happy now, thank God! an' I take a pleasure, now, in doing
little bits o' jobs for my neighbours - such as a poor old body
'at's half blind can do; and they take it kindly of me, just as he
said. You see, Miss, I'm knitting a pair o' stockings now; -
they're for Thomas Jackson: he's a queerish old body, an' we've
had many a bout at threaping, one anent t'other; an' at times we've
differed sorely. So I thought I couldn't do better nor knit him a
pair o' warm stockings; an' I've felt to like him a deal better,
poor old man, sin' I began. It's turned out just as Maister Weston
said.'
'Well, I'm very glad to see you so happy, Nancy, and so wise: but
I must go now; I shall be wanted at the Hall,' said I; and bidding
her good-bye, I departed, promising to come again when I had time,
and feeling nearly as happy as herself.
At another time I went to read to a poor labourer who was in the
last stage of consumption. The young ladies had been to see him,
and somehow a promise of reading had been extracted from them; but
it was too much trouble, so they begged me to do it instead. I
went, willingly enough; and there too I was gratified with the
praises of Mr. Weston, both from the sick man and his wife. The
former told me that he derived great comfort and benefit from the
visits of the new parson, who frequently came to see him, and was
'another guess sort of man' to Mr. Hatfield; who, before the
other's arrival at Horton, had now and then paid him a visit; on
which occasions he would always insist upon having the cottage-door
kept open, to admit the fresh air for his own convenience, without
considering how it might injure the sufferer; and having opened his
prayer-book and hastily read over a part of the Service for the
Sick, would hurry away again: if he did not stay to administer
some harsh rebuke to the afflicted wife, or to make some
thoughtless, not to say heartless, observation, rather calculated
to increase than diminish the troubles of the suffering pair.
'Whereas,' said the man, 'Maister Weston 'ull pray with me quite in
a different fashion, an' talk to me as kind as owt; an' oft read to
me too, an' sit beside me just like a brother.'
'Just for all the world!' exclaimed his wife; 'an' about a three
wik sin', when he seed how poor Jem shivered wi' cold, an' what
pitiful fires we kept, he axed if wer stock of coals was nearly
done. I telled him it was, an' we was ill set to get more: but
you know, mum, I didn't think o' him helping us; but, howsever, he
sent us a sack o' coals next day; an' we've had good fires ever
sin': and a great blessing it is, this winter time. But that's
his way, Miss Grey: when he comes into a poor body's house aseein'
sick folk, he like notices what they most stand i' need on;
an' if he thinks they can't readily get it therseln, he never says
nowt about it, but just gets it for 'em. An' it isn't everybody
'at 'ud do that, 'at has as little as he has: for you know, mum,
he's nowt at all to live on but what he gets fra' th' Rector, an'
that's little enough they say.'
I remembered then, with a species of exultation, that he had
frequently been styled a vulgar brute by the amiable Miss Murray,
because he wore a silver watch, and clothes not quite so bright and
fresh as Mr. Hatfield's.
In returning to the Lodge I felt very happy, and thanked God that I
had now something to think about; something to dwell on as a relief
from the weary monotony, the lonely drudgery, of my present life:
for I WAS lonely. Never, from month to month, from year to year,
except during my brief intervals of rest at home, did I see one
creature to whom I could open my heart, or freely speak my thoughts
with any hope of sympathy, or even comprehension: never one,
unless it were poor Nancy Brown, with whom I could enjoy a single
moment of real social intercourse, or whose conversation was
calculated to render me better, wiser, or happier than before; or
who, as far as I could see, could be greatly benefited by mine. My
only companions had been unamiable children, and ignorant, wrongheaded
girls; from whose fatiguing folly, unbroken solitude was
often a relief most earnestly desired and dearly prized. But to be
restricted to such associates was a serious evil, both in its
immediate effects and the consequences that were likely to ensue.
Never a new idea or stirring thought came to me from without; and
such as rose within me were, for the most part, miserably crushed
at once, or doomed to sicken or fade away, because they could not
see the light.
Habitual associates are known to exercise a great influence over
each other's minds and manners. Those whose actions are for ever
before our eyes, whose words are ever in our ears, will naturally
lead us, albeit against our will, slowly, gradually, imperceptibly,
perhaps, to act and speak as they do. I will not presume to say
how far this irresistible power of assimilation extends; but if one
civilised man were doomed to pass a dozen years amid a race of
intractable savages, unless he had power to improve them, I greatly
question whether, at the close of that period, he would not have
become, at least, a barbarian himself. And I, as I could not make
my young companions better, feared exceedingly that they would make
me worse - would gradually bring my feelings, habits, capacities,
to the level of their own; without, however, imparting to me their
lightheartedness and cheerful vivacity.
Already, I seemed to feel my intellect deteriorating, my heart
petrifying, my soul contracting; and I trembled lest my very moral
perceptions should become deadened, my distinctions of right and
wrong confounded, and all my better faculties be sunk, at last,
beneath the baneful influence of such a mode of life. The gross
vapours of earth were gathering around me, and closing in upon my
inward heaven; and thus it was that Mr. Weston rose at length upon
me, appearing like the morning star in my horizon, to save me from
the fear of utter darkness; and I rejoiced that I had now a subject
for contemplation that was above me, not beneath. I was glad to
see that all the world was not made up of Bloomfields, Murrays,
Hatfields, Ashbys, &c.; and that human excellence was not a mere
dream of the imagination. When we hear a little good and no harm
of a person, it is easy and pleasant to imagine more: in short, it
is needless to analyse all my thoughts; but Sunday was now become a
day of peculiar delight to me (I was now almost broken-in to the
back corner in the carriage), for I liked to hear him - and I liked
to see him, too; though I knew he was not handsome, or even what is
called agreeable, in outward aspect; but, certainly, he was not
ugly.
In stature he was a little, a very little, above the middle size;
the outline of his face would be pronounced too square for beauty,
but to me it announced decision of character; his dark brown hair
was not carefully curled, like Mr. Hatfield's, but simply brushed
aside over a broad white forehead; the eyebrows, I suppose, were
too projecting, but from under those dark brows there gleamed an
eye of singular power, brown in colour, not large, and somewhat
deep-set, but strikingly brilliant, and full of expression; there
was character, too, in the mouth, something that bespoke a man of
firm purpose and an habitual thinker; and when he smiled - but I
will not speak of that yet, for, at the time I mention, I had never
seen him smile: and, indeed, his general appearance did not
impress me with the idea of a man given to such a relaxation, nor
of such an individual as the cottagers described him. I had early
formed my opinion of him; and, in spite of Miss Murray's
objurgations: was fully convinced that he was a man of strong
sense, firm faith, and ardent piety, but thoughtful and stern: and
when I found that, to his other good qualities, was added that of
true benevolence and gentle, considerate kindness, the discovery,
perhaps, delighted me the more, as I had not been prepared to
expect it.
CHAPTER XII - THE SHOWER
THE next visit I paid to Nancy Brown was in the second week in
March: for, though I had many spare minutes during the day, I
seldom could look upon an hour as entirely my own; since, where
everything was left to the caprices of Miss Matilda and her sister,
there could be no order or regularity. Whatever occupation I
chose, when not actually busied about them or their concerns, I
had, as it were, to keep my loins girded, my shoes on my feet, and
my staff in my hand; for not to be immediately forthcoming when
called for, was regarded as a grave and inexcusable offence: not
only by my pupils and their mother, but by the very servant, who
came in breathless haste to call me, exclaiming, 'You're to go to
the schoolroom DIRECTLY, mum, the young ladies is WAITING!!'
Climax of horror! actually waiting for their governess!!!
But this time I was pretty sure of an hour or two to myself; for
Matilda was preparing for a long ride, and Rosalie was dressing for
a dinner-party at Lady Ashby's: so I took the opportunity of
repairing to the widow's cottage, where I found her in some anxiety
about her cat, which had been absent all day. I comforted her with
as many anecdotes of that animal's roving propensities as I could
recollect. 'I'm feared o' th' gamekeepers,' said she: 'that's all
'at I think on. If th' young gentlemen had been at home, I should
a' thought they'd been setting their dogs at her, an' worried her,
poor thing, as they did MANY a poor thing's cat; but I haven't that
to be feared on now.' Nancy's eyes were better, but still far from
well: she had been trying to make a Sunday shirt for her son, but
told me she could only bear to do a little bit at it now and then,
so that it progressed but slowly, though the poor lad wanted it
sadly. So I proposed to help her a little, after I had read to
her, for I had plenty of time that evening, and need not return
till dusk. She thankfully accepted the offer. 'An' you'll be a
bit o' company for me too, Miss,' said she; 'I like as I feel
lonesome without my cat.' But when I had finished reading, and
done the half of a seam, with Nancy's capacious brass thimble
fitted on to my finger by means of a roll of paper, I was disturbed
by the entrance of Mr. Weston, with the identical cat in his arms.
I now saw that he could smile, and very pleasantly too.
'I've done you a piece of good service, Nancy,' he began: then
seeing me, he acknowledged my presence by a slight bow. I should
have been invisible to Hatfield, or any other gentleman of those
parts. 'I've delivered your cat,' he continued, 'from the hands,
or rather the gun, of Mr. Murray's gamekeeper.'
'God bless you, sir!' cried the grateful old woman, ready to weep
for joy as she received her favourite from his arms.
'Take care of it,' said he, 'and don't let it go near the rabbitwarren,
for the gamekeeper swears he'll shoot it if he sees it
there again: he would have done so to-day, if I had not been in
time to stop him. I believe it is raining, Miss Grey,' added he,
more quietly, observing that I had put aside my work, and was
preparing to depart. 'Don't let me disturb you - I shan't stay two
minutes.'
'You'll BOTH stay while this shower gets owered,' said Nancy, as
she stirred the fire, and placed another chair beside it; 'what!
there's room for all.'
'I can see better here, thank you, Nancy,' replied I, taking my
work to the window, where she had the goodness to suffer me to
remain unmolested, while she got a brush to remove the cat's hairs
from Mr. Weston's coat, carefully wiped the rain from his hat, and
gave the cat its supper, busily talking all the time: now thanking
her clerical friend for what he had done; now wondering how the cat
had found out the warren; and now lamenting the probable
consequences of such a discovery. He listened with a quiet, goodnatured
smile, and at length took a seat in compliance with her
pressing invitations, but repeated that he did not mean to stay.
'I have another place to go to,' said he, 'and I see' (glancing at
the book on the table) 'someone else has been reading to you.'
'Yes, sir; Miss Grey has been as kind as read me a chapter; an' now
she's helping me with a shirt for our Bill - but I'm feared she'll
be cold there. Won't you come to th' fire, Miss?'
'No, thank you, Nancy, I'm quite warm. I must go as soon as this
shower is over.'
'Oh, Miss! You said you could stop while dusk!' cried the
provoking old woman, and Mr. Weston seized his hat.
'Nay, sir,' exclaimed she, 'pray don't go now, while it rains so
fast.'
'But it strikes me I'm keeping your visitor away from the fire.'
'No, you're not, Mr. Weston,' replied I, hoping there was no harm
in a falsehood of that description.
'No, sure!' cried Nancy. 'What, there's lots o' room!'
'Miss Grey,' said he, half-jestingly, as if he felt it necessary to
change the present subject, whether he had anything particular to
say or not, 'I wish you would make my peace with the squire, when
you see him. He was by when I rescued Nancy's cat, and did not
quite approve of the deed. I told him I thought he might better
spare all his rabbits than she her cat, for which audacious
assertion he treated me to some rather ungentlemanly language; and
I fear I retorted a trifle too warmly.'
'Oh, lawful sir! I hope you didn't fall out wi' th' maister for
sake o' my cat! he cannot bide answering again - can th' maister.'
'Oh! it's no matter, Nancy: I don't care about it, really; I said
nothing VERY uncivil; and I suppose Mr. Murray is accustomed to use
rather strong language when he's heated.'
'Ay, sir: it's a pity.'
'And now, I really must go. I have to visit a place a mile beyond
this; and you would not have me to return in the dark: besides, it
has nearly done raining now - so good-evening, Nancy. Goodevening,
Miss Grey.'
'Good-evening, Mr. Weston; but don't depend upon me for making your
peace with Mr. Murray, for I never see him - to speak to.'
'Don't you; it can't be helped then,' replied he, in dolorous
resignation: then, with a peculiar half-smile, he added, 'But
never mind; I imagine the squire has more to apologise for than I;'
and left the cottage.
I went on with my sewing as long as I could see, and then bade
Nancy good-evening; checking her too lively gratitude by the
undeniable assurance that I had only done for her what she would
have done for me, if she had been in my place and I in hers. I
hastened back to Horton Lodge, where, having entered the
schoolroom, I found the tea-table all in confusion, the tray
flooded with slops, and Miss Matilda in a most ferocious humour.
'Miss Grey, whatever have you been about? I've had tea half an
hour ago, and had to make it myself, and drink it all alone! I
wish you would come in sooner!'
'I've been to see Nancy Brown. I thought you would not be back
from your ride.'
'How could I ride in the rain, I should like to know. That damned
pelting shower was vexatious enough - coming on when I was just in
full swing: and then to come and find nobody in to tea! and you
know I can't make the tea as I like it.'
'I didn't think of the shower,' replied I (and, indeed, the thought
of its driving her home had never entered my head).
'No, of course; you were under shelter yourself, and you never
thought of other people.'
I bore her coarse reproaches with astonishing equanimity, even with
cheerfulness; for I was sensible that I had done more good to Nancy
Brown than harm to her: and perhaps some other thoughts assisted
to keep up my spirits, and impart a relish to the cup of cold,
overdrawn tea, and a charm to the otherwise unsightly table; and -
I had almost said - to Miss Matilda's unamiable face. But she soon
betook herself to the stables, and left me to the quiet enjoyment
of my solitary meal.
CHAPTER XIII - THE PRIMROSES
MISS MURRAY now always went twice to church, for she so loved
admiration that she could not bear to lose a single opportunity of
obtaining it; and she was so sure of it wherever she showed
herself, that, whether Harry Meltham and Mr. Green were there or
not, there was certain to be somebody present who would not be
insensible to her charms, besides the Rector, whose official
capacity generally obliged him to attend. Usually, also, if the
weather permitted, both she and her sister would walk home;
Matilda, because she hated the confinement of the carriage; she,
because she disliked the privacy of it, and enjoyed the company
that generally enlivened the first mile of the journey in walking
from the church to Mr. Green's park-gates: near which commenced
the private road to Horton Lodge, which lay in the opposite
direction, while the highway conducted in a straightforward course
to the still more distant mansion of Sir Hugh Meltham. Thus there
was always a chance of being accompanied, so far, either by Harry
Meltham, with or without Miss Meltham, or Mr. Green, with perhaps
one or both of his sisters, and any gentlemen visitors they might
have.
Whether I walked with the young ladies or rode with their parents,
depended upon their own capricious will: if they chose to 'take'
me, I went; if, for reasons best known to themselves, they chose to
go alone, I took my seat in the carriage. I liked walking better,
but a sense of reluctance to obtrude my presence on anyone who did
not desire it, always kept me passive on these and similar
occasions; and I never inquired into the causes of their varying
whims. Indeed, this was the best policy - for to submit and oblige
was the governess's part, to consult their own pleasure was that of
the pupils. But when I did walk, the first half of journey was
generally a great nuisance to me. As none of the before-mentioned
ladies and gentlemen ever noticed me, it was disagreeable to walk
beside them, as if listening to what they said, or wishing to be
thought one of them, while they talked over me, or across; and if
their eyes, in speaking, chanced to fall on me, it seemed as if
they looked on vacancy - as if they either did not see me, or were
very desirous to make it appear so. It was disagreeable, too, to
walk behind, and thus appear to acknowledge my own inferiority;
for, in truth, I considered myself pretty nearly as good as the
best of them, and wished them to know that I did so, and not to
imagine that I looked upon myself as a mere domestic, who knew her
own place too well to walk beside such fine ladies and gentlemen as
they were - though her young ladies might choose to have her with
them, and even condescend to converse with her when no better
company were at hand. Thus - I am almost ashamed to confess it -
but indeed I gave myself no little trouble in my endeavours (if I
did keep up with them) to appear perfectly unconscious or
regardless of their presence, as if I were wholly absorbed in my
own reflections, or the contemplation of surrounding objects; or,
if I lingered behind, it was some bird or insect, some tree or
flower, that attracted my attention, and having duly examined that,
I would pursue my walk alone, at a leisurely pace, until my pupils
had bidden adieu to their companions and turned off into the quiet
private road.
One such occasion I particularly well remember; it was a lovely
afternoon about the close of March; Mr. Green and his sisters had
sent their carriage back empty, in order to enjoy the bright
sunshine and balmy air in a sociable walk home along with their
visitors, Captain Somebody and Lieutenant Somebody-else (a couple
of military fops), and the Misses Murray, who, of course, contrived
to join them. Such a party was highly agreeable to Rosalie; but
not finding it equally suitable to my taste, I presently fell back,
and began to botanise and entomologise along the green banks and
budding hedges, till the company was considerably in advance of me,
and I could hear the sweet song of the happy lark; then my spirit
of misanthropy began to melt away beneath the soft, pure air and
genial sunshine; but sad thoughts of early childhood, and yearnings
for departed joys, or for a brighter future lot, arose instead. As
my eyes wandered over the steep banks covered with young grass and
green-leaved plants, and surmounted by budding hedges, I longed
intensely for some familiar flower that might recall the woody
dales or green hill-sides of home: the brown moorlands, of course,
were out of the question. Such a discovery would make my eyes gush
out with water, no doubt; but that was one of my greatest
enjoyments now. At length I descried, high up between the twisted
roots of an oak, three lovely primroses, peeping so sweetly from
their hiding-place that the tears already started at the sight; but
they grew so high above me, that I tried in vain to gather one or
two, to dream over and to carry with me: I could not reach them
unless I climbed the bank, which I was deterred from doing by
hearing a footstep at that moment behind me, and was, therefore,
about to turn away, when I was startled by the words, 'Allow me to
gather them for you, Miss Grey,' spoken in the grave, low tones of
a well-known voice. Immediately the flowers were gathered, and in
my hand. It was Mr. Weston, of course - who else would trouble
himself to do so much for ME?
'I thanked him; whether warmly or coldly, I cannot tell: but
certain I am that I did not express half the gratitude I felt. It
was foolish, perhaps, to feel any gratitude at all; but it seemed
to me, at that moment, as if this were a remarkable instance of his
good-nature: an act of kindness, which I could not repay, but
never should forget: so utterly unaccustomed was I to receive such
civilities, so little prepared to expect them from anyone within
fifty miles of Horton Lodge. Yet this did not prevent me from
feeling a little uncomfortable in his presence; and I proceeded to
follow my pupils at a much quicker pace than before; though,
perhaps, if Mr. Weston had taken the hint, and let me pass without
another word, I might have repeated it an hour after: but he did
not. A somewhat rapid walk for me was but an ordinary pace for
him.
'Your young ladies have left you alone,' said he.
'Yes, they are occupied with more agreeable company.'
'Then don't trouble yourself to overtake them.' I slackened my
pace; but next moment regretted having done so: my companion did
not speak; and I had nothing in the world to say, and feared he
might be in the same predicament. At length, however, he broke the
pause by asking, with a certain quiet abruptness peculiar to
himself, if I liked flowers.
'Yes; very much,' I answered, 'wild-flowers especially.'
'I like wild-flowers,' said he; 'others I don't care about, because
I have no particular associations connected with them - except one
or two. What are your favourite flowers?'
'Primroses, blue-bells, and heath-blossoms.'
'Not violets?'
'No; because, as you say, I have no particular associations
connected with them; for there are no sweet violets among the hills
and valleys round my home.'
'It must be a great consolation to you to have a home, Miss Grey,'
observed my companion after a short pause: 'however remote, or
however seldom visited, still it is something to look to.'
'It is so much that I think I could not live without it,' replied
I, with an enthusiasm of which I immediately repented; for I
thought it must have sounded essentially silly.
'Oh, yes, you could,' said he, with a thoughtful smile. 'The ties
that bind us to life are tougher than you imagine, or than anyone
can who has not felt how roughly they may be pulled without
breaking. You might be miserable without a home, but even YOU
could live; and not so miserably as you suppose. The human heart
is like india-rubber; a little swells it, but a great deal will not
burst it. If "little more than nothing will disturb it, little
less than all things will suffice" to break it. As in the outer
members of our frame, there is a vital power inherent in itself
that strengthens it against external violence. Every blow that
shakes it will serve to harden it against a future stroke; as
constant labour thickens the skin of the hand, and strengthens its
muscles instead of wasting them away: so that a day of arduous
toil, that might excoriate a lady's palm, would make no sensible
impression on that of a hardy ploughman.
'I speak from experience - partly my own. There was a time when I
thought as you do - at least, I was fully persuaded that home and
its affections were the only things that made life tolerable:
that, if deprived of these, existence would become a burden hard to
be endured; but now I have no home - unless you would dignify my
two hired rooms at Horton by such a name; - and not twelve months
ago I lost the last and dearest of my early friends; and yet, not
only I live, but I am not wholly destitute of hope and comfort,
even for this life: though I must acknowledge that I can seldom
enter even an humble cottage at the close of day, and see its
inhabitants peaceably gathered around their cheerful hearth,
without a feeling ALMOST of envy at their domestic enjoyment.'
'You don't know what happiness lies before you yet,' said I: 'you
are now only in the commencement of your journey.'
'The best of happiness,' replied he, 'is mine already - the power
and the will to be useful.'
We now approached a stile communicating with a footpath that
conducted to a farm-house, where, I suppose, Mr. Weston purposed to
make himself 'useful;' for he presently took leave of me, crossed
the stile, and traversed the path with his usual firm, elastic
tread, leaving me to ponder his words as I continued my course
alone. I had heard before that he had lost his mother not many
months before he came. She then was the last and dearest of his
early friends; and he had NO HOME. I pitied him from my heart: I
almost wept for sympathy. And this, I thought, accounted for the
shade of premature thoughtfulness that so frequently clouded his
brow, and obtained for him the reputation of a morose and sullen
disposition with the charitable Miss Murray and all her kin.
'But,' thought I, 'he is not so miserable as I should be under such
a deprivation: he leads an active life; and a wide field for
useful exertion lies before him. He can MAKE friends; and he can
make a home too, if he pleases; and, doubtless, he will please some
time. God grant the partner of that home may be worthy of his
choice, and make it a happy one - such a home as he deserves to
have! And how delightful it would be to - ' But no matter what I
thought.
I began this book with the intention of concealing nothing; that
those who liked might have the benefit of perusing a fellowcreature's
heart: but we have some thoughts that all the angels in
heaven are welcome to behold, but not our brother-men - not even
the best and kindest amongst them.
By this time the Greens had taken themselves to their own abode,
and the Murrays had turned down the private road, whither I
hastened to follow them. I found the two girls warm in an animated
discussion on the respective merits of the two young officers; but
on seeing me Rosalie broke off in the middle of a sentence to
exclaim, with malicious glee -
'Oh-ho, Miss Grey! you're come at last, are you? No WONDER you
lingered so long behind; and no WONDER you always stand up so
vigorously for Mr. Weston when I abuse him. Ah-ha! I see it all
now!'
'Now, come, Miss Murray, don't be foolish,' said I, attempting a
good-natured laugh; 'you know such nonsense can make no impression
on me.'
But she still went on talking such intolerable stuff - her sister
helping her with appropriate fiction coined for the occasion - that
I thought it necessary to say something in my own justification.
'What folly all this is!' I exclaimed. 'If Mr. Weston's road
happened to be the same as mine for a few yards, and if he chose to
exchange a word or two in passing, what is there so remarkable in
that? I assure you, I never spoke to him before: except once.'
'Where? where? and when?' cried they eagerly.
'In Nancy's cottage.'
'Ah-ha! you've met him there, have you?' exclaimed Rosalie, with
exultant laughter. 'Ah! now, Matilda, I've found out why she's so
fond of going to Nancy Brown's! She goes there to flirt with Mr.
Weston.'
'Really, that is not worth contradicting - I only saw him there
once, I tell you - and how could I know he was coming?'
Irritated as I was at their foolish mirth and vexatious
imputations, the uneasiness did not continue long: when they had
had their laugh out, they returned again to the captain and
lieutenant; and, while they disputed and commented upon them, my
indignation rapidly cooled; the cause of it was quickly forgotten,
and I turned my thoughts into a pleasanter channel. Thus we
proceeded up the park, and entered the hall; and as I ascended the
stairs to my own chamber, I had but one thought within me: my
heart was filled to overflowing with one single earnest wish.
Having entered the room, and shut the door, I fell upon my knees
and offered up a fervent but not impetuous prayer: 'Thy will be
done,' I strove to say throughout; but, 'Father, all things are
possible with Thee, and may it be Thy will,' was sure to follow.
That wish - that prayer - both men and women would have scorned me
for - 'But, Father, THOU wilt NOT despise!' I said, and felt that
it was true. It seemed to me that another's welfare was at least
as ardently implored for as my own; nay, even THAT was the
principal object of my heart's desire. I might have been deceiving
myself; but that idea gave me confidence to ask, and power to hope
I did not ask in vain. As for the primroses, I kept two of them in
a glass in my room until they were completely withered, and the
housemaid threw them out; and the petals of the other I pressed
between the leaves of my Bible - I have them still, and mean to
keep them always.
CHAPTER XIV - THE RECTOR
THE following day was as fine as the preceding one. Soon after
breakfast Miss Matilda, having galloped and blundered through a few
unprofitable lessons, and vengeably thumped the piano for an hour,
in a terrible humour with both me and it, because her mamma would
not give her a holiday, had betaken herself to her favourite places
of resort, the yards, the stables, and the dog-kennels; and Miss
Murray was gone forth to enjoy a quiet ramble with a new
fashionable novel for her companion, leaving me in the schoolroom
hard at work upon a water-colour drawing which I had promised to do
for her, and which she insisted upon my finishing that day.
At my feet lay a little rough terrier. It was the property of Miss
Matilda; but she hated the animal, and intended to sell it,
alleging that it was quite spoiled. It was really an excellent dog
of its kind; but she affirmed it was fit for nothing, and had not
even the sense to know its own mistress.
The fact was she had purchased it when but a small puppy, insisting
at first that no one should touch it but herself; but soon becoming
tired of so helpless and troublesome a nursling, she had gladly
yielded to my entreaties to be allowed to take charge of it; and I,
by carefully nursing the little creature from infancy to
adolescence, of course, had obtained its affections: a reward I
should have greatly valued, and looked upon as far outweighing all
the trouble I had had with it, had not poor Snap's grateful
feelings exposed him to many a harsh word and many a spiteful kick
and pinch from his owner, and were he not now in danger of being
'put away' in consequence, or transferred to some rough, stonyhearted
master. But how could I help it? I could not make the dog
hate me by cruel treatment, and she would not propitiate him by
kindness.
However, while I thus sat, working away with my pencil, Mrs. Murray
came, half-sailing, half-bustling, into the room.
'Miss Grey,' she began, - 'dear! how can you sit at your drawing
such a day as this?' (She thought I was doing it for my own
pleasure.) 'I WONDER you don't put on your bonnet and go out with
the young ladies.'
'I think, ma'am, Miss Murray is reading; and Miss Matilda is
amusing herself with her dogs.'
'If you would try to amuse Miss Matilda yourself a little more, I
think she would not be driven to seek amusement in the
companionship of dogs and horses and grooms, so much as she is; and
if you would be a little more cheerful and conversable with Miss
Murray, she would not so often go wandering in the fields with a
book in her hand. However, I don't want to vex you,' added she,
seeing, I suppose, that my cheeks burned and my hand trembled with
some unamiable emotion. 'Do, pray, try not to be so touchy -
there's no speaking to you else. And tell me if you know where
Rosalie is gone: and why she likes to be so much alone?'
'She says she likes to be alone when she has a new book to read.'
'But why can't she read it in the park or the garden? - why should
she go into the fields and lanes? And how is it that that Mr.
Hatfield so often finds her out? She told me last week he'd walked
his horse by her side all up Moss Lane; and now I'm sure it was he
I saw, from my dressing-room window, walking so briskly past the
park-gates, and on towards the field where she so frequently goes.
I wish you would go and see if she is there; and just gently remind
her that it is not proper for a young lady of her rank and
prospects to be wandering about by herself in that manner, exposed
to the attentions of anyone that presumes to address her; like some
poor neglected girl that has no park to walk in, and no friends to
take care of her: and tell her that her papa would be extremely
angry if he knew of her treating Mr. Hatfield in the familiar
manner that I fear she does; and - oh! if you - if ANY governess
had but half a mother's watchfulness - half a mother's anxious
care, I should be saved this trouble; and you would see at once the
necessity of keeping your eye upon her, and making your company
agreeable to - Well, go - go; there's no time to be lost,' cried
she, seeing that I had put away my drawing materials, and was
waiting in the doorway for the conclusion of her address.
According to her prognostications, I found Miss Murray in her
favourite field just without the park; and, unfortunately, not
alone; for the tall, stately figure of Mr. Hatfield was slowly
sauntering by her side.
Here was a poser for me. It was my duty to interrupt the TETE-ATETE:
but how was it to be done? Mr. Hatfield could not to be
driven away by so insignificant person as I; and to go and place
myself on the other side of Miss Murray, and intrude my unwelcome
presence upon her without noticing her companion, was a piece of
rudeness I could not be guilty of: neither had I the courage to
cry aloud from the top of the field that she was wanted elsewhere.
So I took the intermediate course of walking slowly but steadily
towards them; resolving, if my approach failed to scare away the
beau, to pass by and tell Miss Murray her mamma wanted her.
She certainly looked very charming as she strolled, lingering along
under the budding horse-chestnut trees that stretched their long
arms over the park-palings; with her closed book in one hand, and
in the other a graceful sprig of myrtle, which served her as a very
pretty plaything; her bright ringlets escaping profusely from her
little bonnet, and gently stirred by the breeze, her fair cheek
flushed with gratified vanity, her smiling blue eyes, now slyly
glancing towards her admirer, now gazing downward at her myrtle
sprig. But Snap, running before me, interrupted her in the midst
of some half-pert, half-playful repartee, by catching hold of her
dress and vehemently tugging thereat; till Mr. Hatfield, with his
cane, administered a resounding thwack upon the animal's skull, and
sent it yelping back to me with a clamorous outcry that afforded
the reverend gentleman great amusement: but seeing me so near, he
thought, I suppose, he might as well be taking his departure; and,
as I stooped to caress the dog, with ostentatious pity to show my
disapproval of his severity, I heard him say: 'When shall I see
you again, Miss Murray?'
'At church, I suppose,' replied she, 'unless your business chances
to bring you here again at the precise moment when I happen to be
walking by.'
'I could always manage to have business here, if I knew precisely
when and where to find you.'
'But if I would, I could not inform you, for I am so immethodical,
I never can tell to-day what I shall do tomorrow.'
'Then give me that, meantime, to comfort me,' said he, half
jestingly and half in earnest, extending his hand for the sprig of
myrtle.
'No, indeed, I shan't.'
'Do! PRAY do! I shall be the most miserable of men if you don't.
You cannot be so cruel as to deny me a favour so easily granted and
yet so highly prized!' pleaded he as ardently as if his life
depended on it.
By this time I stood within a very few yards of them, impatiently
waiting his departure.
'There then! take it and go,' said Rosalie.
He joyfully received the gift, murmured something that made her
blush and toss her head, but with a little laugh that showed her
displeasure was entirely affected; and then with a courteous
salutation withdrew.
'Did you ever see such a man, Miss Grey?' said she, turning to me;
'I'm so GLAD you came! I thought I never SHOULD, get rid of him;
and I was so terribly afraid of papa seeing him.'
'Has he been with you long?'
'No, not long, but he's so extremely impertinent: and he's always
hanging about, pretending his business or his clerical duties
require his attendance in these parts, and really watching for poor
me, and pouncing upon me wherever he sees me.'
'Well, your mamma thinks you ought not to go beyond the park or
garden without some discreet, matronly person like me to accompany
you, and keep off all intruders. She descried Mr. Hatfield
hurrying past the park-gates, and forthwith despatched me with
instructions to seek you up and to take care of you, and likewise
to warn - '
'Oh, mamma's so tiresome! As if I couldn't take care of myself.
She bothered me before about Mr. Hatfield; and I told her she might
trust me: I never should forget my rank and station for the most
delightful man that ever breathed. I wish he would go down on his
knees to-morrow, and implore me to be his wife, that I might just
show her how mistaken she is in supposing that I could ever - Oh,
it provokes me so! To think that I could be such a fool as to fall
in LOVE! It is quite beneath the dignity of a woman to do such a
thing. Love! I detest the word! As applied to one of our sex, I
think it a perfect insult. A preference I MIGHT acknowledge; but
never for one like poor Mr. Hatfield, who has not seven hundred a
year to bless himself with. I like to talk to him, because he's so
clever and amusing - I wish Sir Thomas Ashby were half as nice;
besides, I must have SOMEBODY to flirt with, and no one else has
the sense to come here; and when we go out, mamma won't let me
flirt with anybody but Sir Thomas - if he's there; and if he's NOT
there, I'm bound hand and foot, for fear somebody should go and
make up some exaggerated story, and put it into his head that I'm
engaged, or likely to be engaged, to somebody else; or, what is
more probable, for fear his nasty old mother should see or hear of
my ongoings, and conclude that I'm not a fit wife for her excellent
son: as if the said son were not the greatest scamp in
Christendom; and as if any woman of common decency were not a world
too good for him.'
'Is it really so, Miss Murray? and does your mamma know it, and yet
wish you to marry him?'
'To be sure, she does! She knows more against him than I do, I
believe: she keeps it from me lest I should be discouraged; not
knowing how little I care about such things. For it's no great
matter, really: he'll be all right when he's married, as mamma
says; and reformed rakes make the best husbands, EVERYBODY knows.
I only wish he were not so ugly - THAT'S all I think about: but
then there's no choice here in the country; and papa WILL NOT let
us go to London - '
'But I should think Mr. Hatfield would be far better.'
'And so he would, if he were lord of Ashby Park - there's not a
doubt of it: but the fact is, I MUST have Ashby Park, whoever
shares it with me.'
'But Mr. Hatfield thinks you like him all this time; you don't
consider how bitterly he will be disappointed when he finds himself
mistaken.'
'NO, indeed! It will be a proper punishment for his presumption -
for ever DARING to think I could like him. I should enjoy nothing
so much as lifting the veil from his eyes.'
'The sooner you do it the better then.'
'No; I tell you, I like to amuse myself with him. Besides, he
doesn't really think I like him. I take good care of that: you
don't know how cleverly I manage. He may presume to think he can
induce me to like him; for which I shall punish him as he
deserves.'
'Well, mind you don't give too much reason for such presumption -
that's all,' replied I.
But all my exhortations were in vain: they only made her somewhat
more solicitous to disguise her wishes and her thoughts from me.
She talked no more to me about the Rector; but I could see that her
mind, if not her heart, was fixed upon him still, and that she was
intent upon obtaining another interview: for though, in compliance
with her mother's request, I was now constituted the companion of
her rambles for a time, she still persisted in wandering in the
fields and lanes that lay in the nearest proximity to the road;
and, whether she talked to me or read the book she carried in her
hand, she kept continually pausing to look round her, or gaze up
the road to see if anyone was coming; and if a horseman trotted by,
I could tell by her unqualified abuse of the poor equestrian,
whoever he might be, that she hated him BECAUSE he was not Mr.
Hatfield.
'Surely,' thought I, 'she is not so indifferent to him as she
believes herself to be, or would have others to believe her; and
her mother's anxiety is not so wholly causeless as she affirms.'
Three days passed away, and he did not make his appearance. On the
afternoon of the fourth, as we were walking beside the park-palings
in the memorable field, each furnished with a book (for I always
took care to provide myself with something to be doing when she did
not require me to talk), she suddenly interrupted my studies by
exclaiming -
'Oh, Miss Grey! do be so kind as to go and see Mark Wood, and take
his wife half-a-crown from me - I should have given or sent it a
week ago, but quite forgot. There!' said she, throwing me her
purse, and speaking very fast - 'Never mind getting it out now, but
take the purse and give them what you like; I would go with you,
but I want to finish this volume. I'll come and meet you when I've
done it. Be quick, will you - and - oh, wait; hadn't you better
read to him a bit? Run to the house and get some sort of a good
book. Anything will do.'
I did as I was desired; but, suspecting something from her hurried
manner and the suddenness of the request, I just glanced back
before I quitted the field, and there was Mr. Hatfield about to
enter at the gate below. By sending me to the house for a book,
she had just prevented my meeting him on the road.
'Never mind!' thought I, 'there'll be no great harm done. Poor
Mark will be glad of the half-crown, and perhaps of the good book
too; and if the Rector does steal Miss Rosalie's heart, it will
only humble her pride a little; and if they do get married at last,
it will only save her from a worse fate; and she will be quite a
good enough partner for him, and he for her.'
Mark Wood was the consumptive labourer whom I mentioned before. He
was now rapidly wearing away. Miss Murray, by her liberality,
obtained literally the blessing of him that was ready to perish;
for though the half-crown could be of very little service to him,
he was glad of it for the sake of his wife and children, so soon to
be widowed and fatherless. After I had sat a few minutes, and read
a little for the comfort and edification of himself and his
afflicted wife, I left them; but I had not proceeded fifty yards
before I encountered Mr. Weston, apparently on his way to the same
abode. He greeted me in his usual quiet, unaffected way, stopped
to inquire about the condition of the sick man and his family, and
with a sort of unconscious, brotherly disregard to ceremony took
from my hand the book out of which I had been reading, turned over
its pages, made a few brief but very sensible remarks, and restored
it; then told me about some poor sufferer he had just been
visiting, talked a little about Nancy Brown, made a few
observations upon my little rough friend the terrier, that was
frisking at his feet, and finally upon the beauty of the weather,
and departed.
I have omitted to give a detail of his words, from a notion that
they would not interest the reader as they did me, and not because
I have forgotten them. No; I remember them well; for I thought
them over and over again in the course of that day and many
succeeding ones, I know not how often; and recalled every
intonation of his deep, clear voice, every flash of his quick,
brown eye, and every gleam of his pleasant, but too transient
smile. Such a confession will look very absurd, I fear: but no
matter: I have written it: and they that read it will not know
the writer.
While I was walking along, happy within, and pleased with all
around, Miss Murray came hastening to meet me; her buoyant step,
flushed cheek, and radiant smiles showing that she, too, was happy,
in her own way. Running up to me, she put her arm through mine,
and without waiting to recover breath, began - 'Now, Miss Grey,
think yourself highly honoured, for I'm come to tell you my news
before I've breathed a word of it to anyone else.'
'Well, what is it?'
'Oh, SUCH news! In the first place, you must know that Mr.
Hatfield came upon me just after you were gone. I was in such a
way for fear papa or mamma should see him; but you know I couldn't
call you back again, and so! - oh, dear! I can't tell you all
about it now, for there's Matilda, I see, in the park, and I must
go and open my budget to her. But, however, Hatfield was most
uncommonly audacious, unspeakably complimentary, and
unprecedentedly tender - tried to be so, at least - he didn't
succeed very well in THAT, because it's not his vein. I'll tell
you all he said another time.'
'But what did YOU say - I'm more interested in that?'
'I'll tell you that, too, at some future period. I happened to be
in a very good humour just then; but, though I was complaisant and
gracious enough, I took care not to compromise myself in any
possible way. But, however, the conceited wretch chose to
interpret my amiability of temper his own way, and at length
presumed upon my indulgence so far - what do you think? - he
actually made me an offer!'
'And you - '
'I proudly drew myself up, and with the greatest coolness expressed
my astonishment at such an occurrence, and hoped he had seen
nothing in my conduct to justify his expectations. You should have
SEEN how his countenance fell! He went perfectly white in the
face. I assured him that I esteemed him and all that, but could
not possibly accede to his proposals; and if I did, papa and mamma
could never be brought to give their consent.'
'"But if they could," said he, "would yours be wanting?"
'"Certainly, Mr. Hatfield," I replied, with a cool decision which
quelled all hope at once. Oh, if you had seen how dreadfully
mortified he was - how crushed to the earth by his disappointment!
really, I almost pitied him myself.
'One more desperate attempt, however, he made. After a silence of
considerable duration, during which he struggled to be calm, and I
to be grave - for I felt a strong propensity to laugh - which would
have ruined all - he said, with the ghost of a smile - "But tell me
plainly, Miss Murray, if I had the wealth of Sir Hugh Meltham, or
the prospects of his eldest son, would you still refuse me? Answer
me truly, upon your honour."
'"Certainly," said I. "That would make no difference whatever."
'It was a great lie, but he looked so confident in his own
attractions still, that I determined not to leave him one stone
upon another. He looked me full in the face; but I kept my
countenance so well that he could not imagine I was saying anything
more than the actual truth.
'"Then it's all over, I suppose," he said, looking as if he could
have died on the spot with vexation and the intensity of his
despair. But he was angry as well as disappointed. There was he,
suffering so unspeakably, and there was I, the pitiless cause of it
all, so utterly impenetrable to all the artillery of his looks and
words, so calmly cold and proud, he could not but feel some
resentment; and with singular bitterness he began - "I certainly
did not expect this, Miss Murray. I might say something about your
past conduct, and the hopes you have led me to foster, but I
forbear, on condition - "
'"No conditions, Mr. Hatfield!" said I, now truly indignant at his
insolence.
'"Then let me beg it as a favour," he replied, lowering his voice
at once, and taking a humbler tone: "let me entreat that you will
not mention this affair to anyone whatever. If you will keep
silence about it, there need be no unpleasantness on either side -
nothing, I mean, beyond what is quite unavoidable: for my own
feelings I will endeavour to keep to myself, if I cannot annihilate
them - I will try to forgive, if I cannot forget the cause of my
sufferings. I will not suppose, Miss Murray, that you know how
deeply you have injured me. I would not have you aware of it; but
if, in addition to the injury you have already done me - pardon me,
but, whether innocently or not, you HAVE done it - and if you add
to it by giving publicity to this unfortunate affair, or naming it
AT ALL, you will find that I too can speak, and though you scorned
my love, you will hardly scorn my - "
'He stopped, but he bit his bloodless lip, and looked so terribly
fierce that I was quite frightened. However, my pride upheld me
still, and I answered disdainfully; "I do not know what motive you
suppose I could have for naming it to anyone, Mr. Hatfield; but if
I were disposed to do so, you would not deter me by threats; and it
is scarcely the part of a gentleman to attempt it."
'"Pardon me, Miss Murray," said he, "I have loved you so intensely
- I do still adore you so deeply, that I would not willingly offend
you; but though I never have loved, and never CAN love any woman as
I have loved you, it is equally certain that I never was so illtreated
by any. On the contrary, I have always found your sex the
kindest and most tender and obliging of God's creation, till now."
(Think of the conceited fellow saying that!) "And the novelty and
harshness of the lesson you have taught me to-day, and the
bitterness of being disappointed in the only quarter on which the
happiness of my life depended, must excuse any appearance of
asperity. If my presence is disagreeable to you, Miss Murray," he
said (for I was looking about me to show how little I cared for
him, so he thought I was tired of him, I suppose) - "if my presence
is disagreeable to you, Miss Murray, you have only to promise me
the favour I named, and I will relieve you at once. There are many
ladies - some even in this parish - who would be delighted to
accept what you have so scornfully trampled under your feet. They
would be naturally inclined to hate one whose surpassing loveliness
has so completely estranged my heart from them and blinded me to
their attractions; and a single hint of the truth from me to one of
these would be sufficient to raise such a talk against you as would
seriously injure your prospects, and diminish your chance of
success with any other gentleman you or your mamma might design to
entangle."
'"What do your mean, sir?" said I, ready to stamp with passion.
'"I mean that this affair from beginning to end appears to me like
a case of arrant flirtation, to say the least of it - such a case
as you would find it rather inconvenient to have blazoned through
the world: especially with the additions and exaggerations of your
female rivals, who would be too glad to publish the matter, if I
only gave them a handle to it. But I promise you, on the faith of
a gentleman, that no word or syllable that could tend to your
prejudice shall ever escape my lips, provided you will - "
'"Well, well, I won't mention it," said I. "You may rely upon my
silence, if that can afford you any consolation."
'"You promise it?"
'"Yes," I answered; for I wanted to get rid of him now.
'"Farewell, then!" said he, in a most doleful, heart-sick tone; and
with a look where pride vainly struggled against despair, he turned
and went away: longing, no doubt, to get home, that he might shut
himself up in his study and cry - if he doesn't burst into tears
before he gets there.'
'But you have broken your promise already,' said I, truly horrified
at her perfidy.
'Oh! it's only to you; I know you won't repeat it.'
'Certainly, I shall not: but you say you are going to tell your
sister; and she will tell your brothers when they come home, and
Brown immediately, if you do not tell her yourself; and Brown will
blazon it, or be the means of blazoning it, throughout the
country.'
'No, indeed, she won't. We shall not tell her at all, unless it be
under the promise of the strictest secrecy.'
'But how can you expect her to keep her promises better than her
more enlightened mistress?'
'Well, well, she shan't hear it then,' said Miss Murray, somewhat
snappishly.
'But you will tell your mamma, of course,' pursued I; 'and she will
tell your papa.'
'Of course I shall tell mamma - that is the very thing that pleases
me so much. I shall now be able to convince her how mistaken she
was in her fears about me.'
'Oh, THAT'S it, is it? I was wondering what it was that delighted
you so much.'
'Yes; and another thing is, that I've humbled Mr. Hatfield so
charmingly; and another - why, you must allow me some share of
female vanity: I don't pretend to be without that most essential
attribute of our sex - and if you had seen poor Hatfield's intense
eagerness in making his ardent declaration and his flattering
proposal, and his agony of mind, that no effort of pride could
conceal, on being refused, you would have allowed I had some cause
to be gratified.'
'The greater his agony, I should think, the less your cause for
gratification.'
'Oh, nonsense!' cried the young lady, shaking herself with
vexation. 'You either can't understand me, or you won't. If I had
not confidence in your magnanimity, I should think you envied me.
But you will, perhaps, comprehend this cause of pleasure - which is
as great as any - namely, that I am delighted with myself for my
prudence, my self-command, my heartlessness, if you please. I was
not a bit taken by surprise, not a bit confused, or awkward, or
foolish; I just acted and spoke as I ought to have done, and was
completely my own mistress throughout. And here was a man,
decidedly good-looking - Jane and Susan Green call him bewitchingly
handsome I suppose they're two of the ladies he pretends would be
so glad to have him; but, however, he was certainly a very clever,
witty, agreeable companion - not what you call clever, but just
enough to make him entertaining; and a man one needn't be ashamed
of anywhere, and would not soon grow tired of; and to confess the
truth, I rather liked him - better even, of late, than Harry
Meltham - and he evidently idolised me; and yet, though he came
upon me all alone and unprepared, I had the wisdom, and the pride,
and the strength to refuse him - and so scornfully and coolly as I
did: I have good reason to be proud of that.'
'And are you equally proud of having told him that his having the
wealth of Sir Hugh Meltham would make no difference to you, when
that was not the case; and of having promised to tell no one of his
misadventure, apparently without the slightest intention of keeping
your promise?'
'Of course! what else could I do? You would not have had me - but
I see, Miss Grey, you're not in a good temper. Here's Matilda;
I'll see what she and mamma have to say about it.'
She left me, offended at my want of sympathy, and thinking, no
doubt, that I envied her. I did not - at least, I firmly believed
I did not. I was sorry for her; I was amazed, disgusted at her
heartless vanity; I wondered why so much beauty should be given to
those who made so bad a use of it, and denied to some who would
make it a benefit to both themselves and others.
But, God knows best, I concluded. There are, I suppose, some men
as vain, as selfish, and as heartless as she is, and, perhaps, such
women may be useful to punish them.
CHAPTER XV - THE WALK
'OH, dear! I wish Hatfield had not been so precipitate!' said
Rosalie next day at four P.M., as, with a portentous yawn, she laid
down her worsted-work and looked listlessly towards the window.
'There's no inducement to go out now; and nothing to look forward
to. The days will be so long and dull when there are no parties to
enliven them; and there are none this week, or next either, that I
know of.'
'Pity you were so cross to him,' observed Matilda, to whom this
lamentation was addressed. 'He'll never come again: and I suspect
you liked him after all. I hoped you would have taken him for your
beau, and left dear Harry to me.'
'Humph! my beau must be an Adonis indeed, Matilda, the admired of
all beholders, if I am to be contented with him alone. I'm sorry
to lose Hatfield, I confess; but the first decent man, or number of
men, that come to supply his place, will be more than welcome.
It's Sunday to-morrow - I do wonder how he'll look, and whether
he'll be able to go through the service. Most likely he'll pretend
he's got a cold, and make Mr. Weston do it all.'
'Not he!' exclaimed Matilda, somewhat contemptuously. 'Fool as he
is, he's not so soft as that comes to.'
Her sister was slightly offended; but the event proved Matilda was
right: the disappointed lover performed his pastoral duties as
usual. Rosalie, indeed, affirmed he looked very pale and dejected:
he might be a little paler; but the difference, if any, was
scarcely perceptible. As for his dejection, I certainly did not
hear his laugh ringing from the vestry as usual, nor his voice loud
in hilarious discourse; though I did hear it uplifted in rating the
sexton in a manner that made the congregation stare; and, in his
transits to and from the pulpit and the communion-table, there was
more of solemn pomp, and less of that irreverent, self-confident,
or rather self-delighted imperiousness with which he usually swept
along - that air that seemed to say, 'You all reverence and adore
me, I know; but if anyone does not, I defy him to the teeth!' But
the most remarkable change was, that he never once suffered his
eyes to wander in the direction of Mr. Murray's pew, and did not
leave the church till we were gone.
Mr. Hatfield had doubtless received a very severe blow; but his
pride impelled him to use every effort to conceal the effects of
it. He had been disappointed in his certain hope of obtaining not
only a beautiful, and, to him, highly attractive wife, but one
whose rank and fortune might give brilliance to far inferior
charms: he was likewise, no doubt, intensely mortified by his
repulse, and deeply offended at the conduct of Miss Murray
throughout. It would have given him no little consolation to have
known how disappointed she was to find him apparently so little
moved, and to see that he was able to refrain from casting a single
glance at her throughout both services; though, she declared, it
showed he was thinking of her all the time, or his eyes would have
fallen upon her, if it were only by chance: but if they had so
chanced to fall, she would have affirmed it was because they could
not resist the attraction. It might have pleased him, too, in some
degree, to have seen how dull and dissatisfied she was throughout
that week (the greater part of it, at least), for lack of her usual
source of excitement; and how often she regretted having 'used him
up so soon,' like a child that, having devoured its plumcake too
hastily, sits sucking its fingers, and vainly lamenting its
greediness.
At length I was called upon, one fine morning, to accompany her in
a walk to the village. Ostensibly she went to get some shades of
Berlin wool, at a tolerably respectable shop that was chiefly
supported by the ladies of the vicinity: really - I trust there is
no breach of charity in supposing that she went with the idea of
meeting either with the Rector himself, or some other admirer by
the way; for as we went along, she kept wondering 'what Hatfield
would do or say, if we met him,' &c. &c.; as we passed Mr. Green's
park-gates, she 'wondered whether he was at home - great stupid
blockhead'; as Lady Meltham's carriage passed us, she 'wondered
what Mr. Harry was doing this fine day'; and then began to abuse
his elder brother for being 'such a fool as to get married and go
and live in London.'
'Why,' said I, 'I thought you wanted to live in London yourself.'
'Yes, because it's so dull here: but then he makes it still duller
by taking himself off: and if he were not married I might have him
instead of that odious Sir Thomas.'
Then, observing the prints of a horse's feet on the somewhat miry
road, she 'wondered whether it was a gentleman's horse,' and
finally concluded it was, for the impressions were too small to
have been made by a 'great clumsy cart-horse'; and then she
'wondered who the rider could be,' and whether we should meet him
coming back, for she was sure he had only passed that morning; and
lastly, when we entered the village and saw only a few of its
humble inhabitants moving about, she 'wondered why the stupid
people couldn't keep in their houses; she was sure she didn't want
to see their ugly faces, and dirty, vulgar clothes - it wasn't for
that she came to Horton!'
Amid all this, I confess, I wondered, too, in secret, whether we
should meet, or catch a glimpse of somebody else; and as we passed
his lodgings, I even went so far as to wonder whether he was at the
window. On entering the shop, Miss Murray desired me to stand in
the doorway while she transacted her business, and tell her if
anyone passed. But alas! there was no one visible besides the
villagers, except Jane and Susan Green coming down the single
street, apparently returning from a walk.
'Stupid things!' muttered she, as she came out after having
concluded her bargain. 'Why couldn't they have their dolt of a
brother with them? even he would be better than nothing.'
She greeted them, however, with a cheerful smile, and protestations
of pleasure at the happy meeting equal to their own. They placed
themselves one on each side of her, and all three walked away
chatting and laughing as young ladies do when they get together, if
they be but on tolerably intimate terms. But I, feeling myself to
be one too many, left them to their merriment and lagged behind, as
usual on such occasions: I had no relish for walking beside Miss
Green or Miss Susan like one deaf and dumb, who could neither speak
nor be spoken to.
But this time I was not long alone. It struck me, first, as very
odd, that just as I was thinking about Mr. Weston he should come up
and accost me; but afterwards, on due reflection, I thought there
was nothing odd about it, unless it were the fact of his speaking
to me; for on such a morning and so near his own abode, it was
natural enough that he should be about; and as for my thinking of
him, I had been doing that, with little intermission, ever since we
set out on our journey; so there was nothing remarkable in that.
'You are alone again, Miss Grey,' said he.
'Yes.'
'What kind of people are those ladies - the Misses Green?'
'I really don't know.'
'That's strange - when you live so near and see them so often!'
'Well, I suppose they are lively, good-tempered girls; but I
imagine you must know them better than I do, yourself, for I never
exchanged a word with either of them.'
'Indeed? They don't strike me as being particularly reserved.'
'Very likely they are not so to people of their own class; but they
consider themselves as moving in quite a different sphere from me!'
He made no reply to this: but after a short pause, he said, - 'I
suppose it's these things, Miss Grey, that make you think you could
not live without a home?'
'Not exactly. The fact is I am too socially disposed to be able to
live contentedly without a friend; and as the only friends I have,
or am likely to have, are at home, if it - or rather, if they were
gone - I will not say I could not live - but I would rather not
live in such a desolate world.'
'But why do you say the only friends you are likely to have? Are
you so unsociable that you cannot make friends?'
'No, but I never made one yet; and in my present position there is
no possibility of doing so, or even of forming a common
acquaintance. The fault may be partly in myself, but I hope not
altogether.'
'The fault is partly in society, and partly, I should think, in
your immediate neighbours: and partly, too, in yourself; for many
ladies, in your position, would make themselves be noticed and
accounted of. But your pupils should be companions for you in some
degree; they cannot be many years younger than yourself.'
'Oh, yes, they are good company sometimes; but I cannot call them
friends, nor would they think of bestowing such a name on me - they
have other companions better suited to their tastes.'
'Perhaps you are too wise for them. How do you amuse yourself when
alone - do you read much?'
'Reading is my favourite occupation, when I have leisure for it and
books to read.'
From speaking of books in general, he passed to different books in
particular, and proceeded by rapid transitions from topic to topic,
till several matters, both of taste and opinion, had been discussed
considerably within the space of half an hour, but without the
embellishment of many observations from himself; he being evidently
less bent upon communicating his own thoughts and predilections,
than on discovering mine. He had not the tact, or the art, to
effect such a purpose by skilfully drawing out my sentiments or
ideas through the real or apparent statement of his own, or leading
the conversation by imperceptible gradations to such topics as he
wished to advert to: but such gentle abruptness, and such singleminded
straightforwardness, could not possibly offend me.
'And why should he interest himself at all in my moral and
intellectual capacities: what is it to him what I think or feel?'
I asked myself. And my heart throbbed in answer to the question.
But Jane and Susan Green soon reached their home. As they stood
parleying at the park-gates, attempting to persuade Miss Murray to
come in, I wished Mr. Weston would go, that she might not see him
with me when she turned round; but, unfortunately, his business,
which was to pay one more visit to poor Mark Wood, led him to
pursue the same path as we did, till nearly the close of our
journey. When, however, he saw that Rosalie had taken leave of her
friends and I was about to join her, he would have left me and
passed on at a quicker pace; but, as he civilly lifted his hat in
passing her, to my surprise, instead of returning the salute with a
stiff, ungracious bow, she accosted him with one of her sweetest
smiles, and, walking by his side, began to talk to him with all
imaginable cheerfulness and affability; and so we proceeded all
three together.
After a short pause in the conversation, Mr. Weston made some
remark addressed particularly to me, as referring to something we
had been talking of before; but before I could answer, Miss Murray
replied to the observation and enlarged upon it: he rejoined; and,
from thence to the close of the interview, she engrossed him
entirely to herself. It might be partly owing to my own stupidity,
my want of tact and assurance: but I felt myself wronged: I
trembled with apprehension; and I listened with envy to her easy,
rapid flow of utterance, and saw with anxiety the bright smile with
which she looked into his face from time to time: for she was
walking a little in advance, for the purpose (as I judged) of being
seen as well as heard. If her conversation was light and trivial,
it was amusing, and she was never at a loss for something to say,
or for suitable words to express it in. There was nothing pert or
flippant in her manner now, as when she walked with Mr. Hatfield,
there was only a gentle, playful kind of vivacity, which I thought
must be peculiarly pleasing to a man of Mr. Weston's disposition
and temperament.
When he was gone she began to laugh, and muttered to herself, 'I
thought I could do it!'
'Do what?' I asked.
'Fix that man.'
'What in the world do you mean?'
'I mean that he will go home and dream of me. I have shot him
through the heart!'
'How do you know?'
'By many infallible proofs: more especially the look he gave me
when he went away. It was not an impudent look - I exonerate him
from that - it was a look of reverential, tender adoration. Ha,
ha! he's not quite such a stupid blockhead as I thought him!'
I made no answer, for my heart was in my throat, or something like
it, and I could not trust myself to speak. 'O God, avert it!' I
cried, internally - 'for his sake, not for mine!'
Miss Murray made several trivial observations as we passed up the
park, to which (in spite of my reluctance to let one glimpse of my
feelings appear) I could only answer by monosyllables. Whether she
intended to torment me, or merely to amuse herself, I could not
tell - and did not much care; but I thought of the poor man and his
one lamb, and the rich man with his thousand flocks; and I dreaded
I knew not what for Mr. Weston, independently of my own blighted
hopes.
Right glad was I to get into the house, and find myself alone once
more in my own room. My first impulse was to sink into the chair
beside the bed; and laying my head on the pillow, to seek relief in
a passionate burst of tears: there was an imperative craving for
such an indulgence; but, alas! I must restrain and swallow back my
feelings still: there was the bell - the odious bell for the
schoolroom dinner; and I must go down with a calm face, and smile,
and laugh, and talk nonsense - yes, and eat, too, if possible, as
if all was right, and I was just returned from a pleasant walk.
CHAPTER XVI - THE SUBSTITUTION
NEXT Sunday was one of the gloomiest of April days - a day of
thick, dark clouds, and heavy showers. None of the Murrays were
disposed to attend church in the afternoon, excepting Rosalie: she
was bent upon going as usual; so she ordered the carriage, and I
went with her: nothing loth, of course, for at church I might look
without fear of scorn or censure upon a form and face more pleasing
to me than the most beautiful of God's creations; I might listen
without disturbance to a voice more charming than the sweetest
music to my ears; I might seem to hold communion with that soul in
which I felt so deeply interested, and imbibe its purest thoughts
and holiest aspirations, with no alloy to such felicity except the
secret reproaches of my conscience, which would too often whisper
that I was deceiving my own self, and mocking God with the service
of a heart more bent upon the creature than the Creator.
Sometimes, such thoughts would give me trouble enough; but
sometimes I could quiet them with thinking - it is not the man, it
is his goodness that I love. 'Whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are honest and of
good report, think on these things.' We do well to worship God in
His works; and I know none of them in which so many of His
attributes - so much of His own spirit shines, as in this His
faithful servant; whom to know and not to appreciate, were obtuse
insensibility in me, who have so little else to occupy my heart.
Almost immediately after the conclusion of the service, Miss Murray
left the church. We had to stand in the porch, for it was raining,
and the carriage was not yet come. I wondered at her coming forth
so hastily, for neither young Meltham nor Squire Green was there;
but I soon found it was to secure an interview with Mr. Weston as
he came out, which he presently did. Having saluted us both, he
would have passed on, but she detained him; first with observations
upon the disagreeable weather, and then with asking if he would be
so kind as to come some time to-morrow to see the granddaughter of
the old woman who kept the porter's lodge, for the girl was ill of
a fever, and wished to see him. He promised to do so.
'And at what time will you be most likely to come, Mr. Weston? The
old woman will like to know when to expect you - you know such
people think more about having their cottages in order when decent
people come to see them than we are apt to suppose.'
Here was a wonderful instance of consideration from the thoughtless
Miss Murray. Mr. Weston named an hour in the morning at which he
would endeavour, to be there. By this time the carriage was ready,
and the footman was waiting, with an open umbrella, to escort Miss
Murray through the churchyard. I was about to follow; but Mr.
Weston had an umbrella too, and offered me the benefit of its
shelter, for it was raining heavily.
'No, thank you, I don't mind the rain,' I said. I always lacked
common sense when taken by surprise.
'But you don't LIKE it, I suppose? - an umbrella will do you no
harm at any rate,' he replied, with a smile that showed he was not
offended; as a man of worse temper or less penetration would have
been at such a refusal of his aid. I could not deny the truth of
his assertion, and so went with him to the carriage; he even
offered me his hand on getting in: an unnecessary piece of
civility, but I accepted that too, for fear of giving offence. One
glance he gave, one little smile at parting - it was but for a
moment; but therein I read, or thought I read, a meaning that
kindled in my heart a brighter flame of hope than had ever yet
arisen.
'I would have sent the footman back for you, Miss Grey, if you'd
waited a moment - you needn't have taken Mr. Weston's umbrella,'
observed Rosalie, with a very unamiable cloud upon her pretty face.
'I would have come without an umbrella, but Mr. Weston offered me
the benefit of his, and I could not have refused it more than I did
without offending him,' replied I, smiling placidly; for my inward
happiness made that amusing, which would have wounded me at another
time.
The carriage was now in motion. Miss Murray bent forwards, and
looked out of the window as we were passing Mr. Weston. He was
pacing homewards along the causeway, and did not turn his head.
'Stupid ass!' cried she, throwing herself back again in the seat.
'You don't know what you've lost by not looking this way!'
'What has he lost?'
'A bow from me, that would have raised him to the seventh heaven!'
I made no answer. I saw she was out of humour, and I derived a
secret gratification from the fact, not that she was vexed, but
that she thought she had reason to be so. It made me think my
hopes were not entirely the offspring of my wishes and imagination.
'I mean to take up Mr. Weston instead of Mr. Hatfield,' said my
companion, after a short pause, resuming something of her usual
cheerfulness. 'The ball at Ashby Park takes place on Tuesday, you
know; and mamma thinks it very likely that Sir Thomas will propose
to me then: such things are often done in the privacy of the ballroom,
when gentlemen are most easily ensnared, and ladies most
enchanting. But if I am to be married so soon, I must make the
best of the present time: I am determined Hatfield shall not be
the only man who shall lay his heart at my feet, and implore me to
accept the worthless gift in vain.'
'If you mean Mr. Weston to be one of your victims,' said I, with
affected indifference, 'you will have to make such overtures
yourself that you will find it difficult to draw back when he asks
you to fulfil the expectations you have raised.'
'I don't suppose he will ask me to marry him, nor should I desire
it: that would be rather too much presumption! but I intend him to
feel my power. He has felt it already, indeed: but he shall
ACKNOWLEDGE it too; and what visionary hopes he may have, he must
keep to himself, and only amuse me with the result of them - for a
time.'
'Oh! that some kind spirit would whisper those words in his ear,' I
inwardly exclaimed. I was far too indignant to hazard a reply to
her observation aloud; and nothing more was said about Mr. Weston
that day, by me or in my hearing. But next morning, soon after
breakfast, Miss Murray came into the schoolroom, where her sister
was employed at her studies, or rather her lessons, for studies
they were not, and said, 'Matilda, I want you to take a walk with
me about eleven o'clock.'
'Oh, I can't, Rosalie! I have to give orders about my new bridle
and saddle-cloth, and speak to the rat-catcher about his dogs:
Miss Grey must go with you.'
'No, I want you,' said Rosalie; and calling her sister to the
window, she whispered an explanation in her ear; upon which the
latter consented to go.
I remembered that eleven was the hour at which Mr. Weston proposed
to come to the porter's lodge; and remembering that, I beheld the
whole contrivance. Accordingly, at dinner, I was entertained with
a long account of how Mr. Weston had overtaken them as they were
walking along the road; and how they had had a long walk and talk
with him, and really found him quite an agreeable companion; and
how he must have been, and evidently was, delighted with them and
their amazing condescension, &c. &c.
CHAPTER XVII - CONFESSIONS
AS I am in the way of confessions I may as well acknowledge that,
about this time, I paid more attention to dress than ever I had
done before. This is not saying much - for hitherto I had been a
little neglectful in that particular; but now, also, it was no
uncommon thing to spend as much as two minutes in the contemplation
of my own image in the glass; though I never could derive any
consolation from such a study. I could discover no beauty in those
marked features, that pale hollow cheek, and ordinary dark brown
hair; there might be intellect in the forehead, there might be
expression in the dark grey eyes, but what of that? - a low Grecian
brow, and large black eyes devoid of sentiment would be esteemed
far preferable. It is foolish to wish for beauty. Sensible people
never either desire it for themselves or care about it in others.
If the mind be but well cultivated, and the heart well disposed, no
one ever cares for the exterior. So said the teachers of our
childhood; and so say we to the children of the present day. All
very judicious and proper, no doubt; but are such assertions
supported by actual experience?
We are naturally disposed to love what gives us pleasure, and what
more pleasing than a beautiful face - when we know no harm of the
possessor at least? A little girl loves her bird - Why? Because
it lives and feels; because it is helpless and harmless? A toad,
likewise, lives and feels, and is equally helpless and harmless;
but though she would not hurt a toad, she cannot love it like the
bird, with its graceful form, soft feathers, and bright, speaking
eyes. If a woman is fair and amiable, she is praised for both
qualities, but especially the former, by the bulk of mankind: if,
on the other hand, she is disagreeable in person and character, her
plainness is commonly inveighed against as her greatest crime,
because, to common observers, it gives the greatest offence; while,
if she is plain and good, provided she is a person of retired
manners and secluded life, no one ever knows of her goodness,
except her immediate connections. Others, on the contrary, are
disposed to form unfavourable opinions of her mind, and
disposition, if it be but to excuse themselves for their
instinctive dislike of one so unfavoured by nature; and VISA VERSA
with her whose angel form conceals a vicious heart, or sheds a
false, deceitful charm over defects and foibles that would not be
tolerated in another. They that have beauty, let them be thankful
for it, and make a good use of it, like any other talent; they that
have it not, let them console themselves, and do the best they can
without it: certainly, though liable to be over-estimated, it is a
gift of God, and not to be despised. Many will feel this who have
felt that they could love, and whose hearts tell them that they are
worthy to be loved again; while yet they are debarred, by the lack
of this or some such seeming trifle, from giving and receiving that
happiness they seem almost made to feel and to impart. As well
might the humble glowworm despise that power of giving light
without which the roving fly might pass her and repass her a
thousand times, and never rest beside her: she might hear her
winged darling buzzing over and around her; he vainly seeking her,
she longing to be found, but with no power to make her presence
known, no voice to call him, no wings to follow his flight; - the
fly must seek another mate, the worm must live and die alone.
Such were some of my reflections about this period. I might go on
prosing more and more, I might dive much deeper, and disclose other
thoughts, propose questions the reader might be puzzled to answer,
and deduce arguments that might startle his prejudices, or,
perhaps, provoke his ridicule, because he could not comprehend
them; but I forbear.
Now, therefore, let us return to Miss Murray. She accompanied her
mamma to the ball on Tuesday; of course splendidly attired, and
delighted with her prospects and her charms. As Ashby Park was
nearly ten miles distant from Horton Lodge, they had to set out
pretty early, and I intended to have spent the evening with Nancy
Brown, whom I had not seen for a long time; but my kind pupil took
care I should spend it neither there nor anywhere else beyond the
limits of the schoolroom, by giving me a piece of music to copy,
which kept me closely occupied till bed-time. About eleven next
morning, as soon as she had left her room, she came to tell me her
news. Sir Thomas had indeed proposed to her at the ball; an event
which reflected great credit on her mamma's sagacity, if not upon
her skill in contrivance. I rather incline to the belief that she
had first laid her plans, and then predicted their success. The
offer had been accepted, of course, and the bridegroom elect was
coming that day to settle matters with Mr. Murray.
Rosalie was pleased with the thoughts of becoming mistress of Ashby
Park; she was elated with the prospect of the bridal ceremony and
its attendant splendour and eclat, the honeymoon spent abroad, and
the subsequent gaieties she expected to enjoy in London and
elsewhere; she appeared pretty well pleased too, for the time
being, with Sir Thomas himself, because she had so lately seen him,
danced with him, and been flattered by him; but, after all, she
seemed to shrink from the idea of being so soon united: she wished
the ceremony to be delayed some months, at least; and I wished it
too. It seemed a horrible thing to hurry on the inauspicious
match, and not to give the poor creature time to think and reason
on the irrevocable step she was about to take. I made no
pretension to 'a mother's watchful, anxious care,' but I was amazed
and horrified at Mrs. Murray's heartlessness, or want of thought
for the real good of her child; and by my unheeded warnings and
exhortations, I vainly strove to remedy the evil. Miss Murray only
laughed at what I said; and I soon found that her reluctance to an
immediate union arose chiefly from a desire to do what execution
she could among the young gentlemen of her acquaintance, before she
was incapacitated from further mischief of the kind. It was for
this cause that, before confiding to me the secret of her
engagement, she had extracted a promise that I would not mention a
word on the subject to any one. And when I saw this, and when I
beheld her plunge more recklessly than ever into the depths of
heartless coquetry, I had no more pity for her. 'Come what will,'
I thought, 'she deserves it. Sir Thomas cannot be too bad for her;
and the sooner she is incapacitated from deceiving and injuring
others the better.'
The wedding was fixed for the first of June. Between that and the
critical ball was little more than six weeks; but, with Rosalie's
accomplished skill and resolute exertion, much might be done, even
within that period; especially as Sir Thomas spent most of the
interim in London; whither he went up, it was said, to settle
affairs with his lawyer, and make other preparations for the
approaching nuptials. He endeavoured to supply the want of his
presence by a pretty constant fire of billets-doux; but these did
not attract the neighbours' attention, and open their eyes, as
personal visits would have done; and old Lady Ashby's haughty, sour
spirit of reserve withheld her from spreading the news, while her
indifferent health prevented her coming to visit her future
daughter-in-law; so that, altogether, this affair was kept far
closer than such things usually are.
Rosalie would sometimes show her lover's epistles to me, to
convince me what a kind, devoted husband he would make. She showed
me the letters of another individual, too, the unfortunate Mr.
Green, who had not the courage, or, as she expressed it, the
'spunk,' to plead his cause in person, but whom one denial would
not satisfy: he must write again and again. He would not have
done so if he could have seen the grimaces his fair idol made over
his moving appeals to her feelings, and heard her scornful
laughter, and the opprobrious epithets she heaped upon him for his
perseverance.
'Why don't you tell him, at once, that you are engaged?' I asked.
'Oh, I don't want him to know that,' replied she. 'If he knew it,
his sisters and everybody would know it, and then there would be an
end of my - ahem! And, besides, if I told him that, he would think
my engagement was the only obstacle, and that I would have him if I
were free; which I could not bear that any man should think, and
he, of all others, at least. Besides, I don't care for his
letters,' she added, contemptuously; 'he may write as often as he
pleases, and look as great a calf as he likes when I meet him; it
only amuses me.'
Meantime, young Meltham was pretty frequent in his visits to the
house or transits past it; and, judging by Matilda's execrations
and reproaches, her sister paid more attention to him than civility
required; in other words, she carried on as animated a flirtation
as the presence of her parents would admit. She made some attempts
to bring Mr. Hatfield once more to her feet; but finding them
unsuccessful, she repaid his haughty indifference with still
loftier scorn, and spoke of him with as much disdain and
detestation as she had formerly done of his curate. But, amid all
this, she never for a moment lost sight of Mr. Weston. She
embraced every opportunity of meeting him, tried every art to
fascinate him, and pursued him with as much perseverance as if she
really loved him and no other, and the happiness of her life
depended upon eliciting a return of affection. Such conduct was
completely beyond my comprehension. Had I seen it depicted in a
novel, I should have thought it unnatural; had I heard it described
by others, I should have deemed it a mistake or an exaggeration;
but when I saw it with my own eyes, and suffered from it too, I
could only conclude that excessive vanity, like drunkenness,
hardens the heart, enslaves the faculties, and perverts the
feelings; and that dogs are not the only creatures which, when
gorged to the throat, will yet gloat over what they cannot devour,
and grudge the smallest morsel to a starving brother.
She now became extremely beneficent to the poor cottagers. Her
acquaintance among them was more widely extended, her visits to
their humble dwellings were more frequent and excursive than they
had ever been before. Hereby, she earned among them the reputation
of a condescending and very charitable young lady; and their
encomiums were sure to be repeated to Mr. Weston: whom also she
had thus a daily chance of meeting in one or other of their abodes,
or in her transits to and fro; and often, likewise, she could
gather, through their gossip, to what places he was likely to go at
such and such a time, whether to baptize a child, or to visit the
aged, the sick, the sad, or the dying; and most skilfully she laid
her plans accordingly. In these excursions she would sometimes go
with her sister - whom, by some means, she had persuaded or bribed
to enter into her schemes - sometimes alone, never, now, with me;
so that I was debarred the pleasure of seeing Mr. Weston, or
hearing his voice even in conversation with another: which would
certainly have been a very great pleasure, however hurtful or
however fraught with pain. I could not even see him at church:
for Miss Murray, under some trivial pretext, chose to take
possession of that corner in the family pew which had been mine
ever since I came; and, unless I had the presumption to station
myself between Mr. and Mrs. Murray, I must sit with my back to the
pulpit, which I accordingly did.
Now, also, I never walked home with my pupils: they said their
mamma thought it did not look well to see three people out of the
family walking, and only two going in the carriage; and, as they
greatly preferred walking in fine weather, I should be honoured by
going with the seniors. 'And besides,' said they, 'you can't walk
as fast as we do; you know you're always lagging behind.' I knew
these were false excuses, but I made no objections, and never
contradicted such assertions, well knowing the motives which
dictated them. And in the afternoons, during those six memorable
weeks, I never went to church at all. If I had a cold, or any
slight indisposition, they took advantage of that to make me stay
at home; and often they would tell me they were not going again
that day, themselves, and then pretend to change their minds, and
set off without telling me: so managing their departure that I
never discovered the change of purpose till too late. Upon their
return home, on one of these occasions, they entertained me with an
animated account of a conversation they had had with Mr. Weston as
they came along. 'And he asked if you were ill, Miss Grey,' said
Matilda; 'but we told him you were quite well, only you didn't want
to come to church - so he'll think you're turned wicked.'
All chance meetings on week-days were likewise carefully prevented;
for, lest I should go to see poor Nancy Brown or any other person,
Miss Murray took good care to provide sufficient employment for all
my leisure hours. There was always some drawing to finish, some
music to copy, or some work to do, sufficient to incapacitate me
from indulging in anything beyond a short walk about the grounds,
however she or her sister might be occupied.
One morning, having sought and waylaid Mr. Weston, they returned in
high glee to give me an account of their interview. 'And he asked
after you again,' said Matilda, in spite of her sister's silent but
imperative intimation that she should hold her tongue. 'He
wondered why you were never with us, and thought you must have
delicate health, as you came out so seldom.'
'He didn't Matilda - what nonsense you're talking!'
'Oh, Rosalie, what a lie! He did, you know; and you said - Don't,
Rosalie - hang it! - I won't be pinched so! And, Miss Grey,
Rosalie told him you were quite well, but you were always so buried
in your books that you had no pleasure in anything else.'
'What an idea he must have of me!' I thought.
'And,' I asked, 'does old Nancy ever inquire about me?'
'Yes; and we tell her you are so fond of reading and drawing that
you can do nothing else.'
'That is not the case though; if you had told her I was so busy I
could not come to see her, it would have been nearer the truth.'
'I don't think it would,' replied Miss Murray, suddenly kindling
up; 'I'm sure you have plenty of time to yourself now, when you
have so little teaching to do.'
It was no use beginning to dispute with such indulged, unreasoning
creatures: so I held my peace. I was accustomed, now, to keeping
silence when things distasteful to my ear were uttered; and now,
too, I was used to wearing a placid smiling countenance when my
heart was bitter within me. Only those who have felt the like can
imagine my feelings, as I sat with an assumption of smiling
indifference, listening to the accounts of those meetings and
interviews with Mr. Weston, which they seemed to find such pleasure
in describing to me; and hearing things asserted of him which, from
the character of the man, I knew to be exaggerations and
perversions of the truth, if not entirely false - things derogatory
to him, and flattering to them - especially to Miss Murray - which
I burned to contradict, or, at least, to show my doubts about, but
dared not; lest, in expressing my disbelief, I should display my
interest too. Other things I heard, which I felt or feared were
indeed too true: but I must still conceal my anxiety respecting
him, my indignation against them, beneath a careless aspect;
others, again, mere hints of something said or done, which I longed
to hear more of, but could not venture to inquire. So passed the
weary time. I could not even comfort myself with saying, 'She will
soon be married; and then there may be hope.'
Soon after her marriage the holidays would come; and when I
returned from home, most likely, Mr. Weston would be gone, for I
was told that he and the Rector could not agree (the Rector's
fault, of course), and he was about to remove to another place.
No - besides my hope in God, my only consolation was in thinking
that, though he know it not, I was more worthy of his love than
Rosalie Murray, charming and engaging as she was; for I could
appreciate his excellence, which she could not: I would devote my
life to the promotion of his happiness; she would destroy his
happiness for the momentary gratification of her own vanity. 'Oh,
if he could but know the difference!' I would earnestly exclaim.
'But no! I would not have him see my heart: yet, if he could but
know her hollowness, her worthless, heartless frivolity, he would
then be safe, and I should be - ALMOST happy, though I might never
see him more!'
I fear, by this time, the reader is well nigh disgusted with the
folly and weakness I have so freely laid before him. I never
disclosed it then, and would not have done so had my own sister or
my mother been with me in the house. I was a close and resolute
dissembler - in this one case at least. My prayers, my tears, my
wishes, fears, and lamentations, were witnessed by myself and
heaven alone.
When we are harassed by sorrows or anxieties, or long oppressed by
any powerful feelings which we must keep to ourselves, for which we
can obtain and seek no sympathy from any living creature, and which
yet we cannot, or will not wholly crush, we often naturally seek
relief in poetry - and often find it, too - whether in the
effusions of others, which seem to harmonize with our existing
case, or in our own attempts to give utterance to those thoughts
and feelings in strains less musical, perchance, but more
appropriate, and therefore more penetrating and sympathetic, and,
for the time, more soothing, or more powerful to rouse and to
unburden the oppressed and swollen heart. Before this time, at
Wellwood House and here, when suffering from home-sick melancholy,
I had sought relief twice or thrice at this secret source of
consolation; and now I flew to it again, with greater avidity than
ever, because I seemed to need it more. I still preserve those
relics of past sufferings and experience, like pillars of witness
set up in travelling through the vale of life, to mark particular
occurrences. The footsteps are obliterated now; the face of the
country may be changed; but the pillar is still there, to remind me
how all things were when it was reared. Lest the reader should be
curious to see any of these effusions, I will favour him with one
short specimen: cold and languid as the lines may seem, it was
almost a passion of grief to which they owed their being:-
Oh, they have robbed me of the hope
My spirit held so dear;
They will not let me hear that voice
My soul delights to hear.
They will not let me see that face
I so delight to see;
And they have taken all thy smiles,
And all thy love from me.
Well, let them seize on all they can; -
One treasure still is mine, -
A heart that loves to think on thee,
And feels the worth of thine.
Yes, at least, they could not deprive me of that: I could think of
him day and night; and I could feel that he was worthy to be
thought of. Nobody knew him as I did; nobody could appreciate him
as I did; nobody could love him as I - could, if I might: but
there was the evil. What business had I to think so much of one
that never thought of me? Was it not foolish? was it not wrong?
Yet, if I found such deep delight in thinking of him, and if I kept
those thoughts to myself, and troubled no one else with them, where
was the harm of it? I would ask myself. And such reasoning
prevented me from making any sufficient effort to shake off my
fetters.
But, if those thoughts brought delight, it was a painful, troubled
pleasure, too near akin to anguish; and one that did me more injury
than I was aware of. It was an indulgence that a person of more
wisdom or more experience would doubtless have denied herself. And
yet, how dreary to turn my eyes from the contemplation of that
bright object and force them to dwell on the dull, grey, desolate
prospect around: the joyless, hopeless, solitary path that lay
before me. It was wrong to be so joyless, so desponding; I should
have made God my friend, and to do His will the pleasure and the
business of my life; but faith was weak, and passion was too
strong.
In this time of trouble I had two other causes of affliction. The
first may seem a trifle, but it cost me many a tear: Snap, my
little dumb, rough-visaged, but bright-eyed, warm-hearted
companion, the only thing I had to love me, was taken away, and
delivered over to the tender mercies of the village rat-catcher, a
man notorious for his brutal treatment of his canine slaves. The
other was serious enough; my letters from home gave intimation that
my father's health was worse. No boding fears were expressed, but
I was grown timid and despondent, and could not help fearing that
some dreadful calamity awaited us there. I seemed to see the black
clouds gathering round my native hills, and to hear the angry
muttering of a storm that was about to burst, and desolate our
hearth.
CHAPTER XVIII - MIRTH AND MOURNING
THE 1st of June arrived at last: and Rosalie Murray was transmuted
into Lady Ashby. Most splendidly beautiful she looked in her
bridal costume. Upon her return from church, after the ceremony,
she came flying into the schoolroom, flushed with excitement, and
laughing, half in mirth, and half in reckless desperation, as it
seemed to me.
'Now, Miss Grey, I'm Lady Ashby!' she exclaimed. 'It's done, my
fate is sealed: there's no drawing back now. I'm come to receive
your congratulations and bid you good-by; and then I'm off for
Paris, Rome, Naples, Switzerland, London - oh, dear! what a deal I
shall see and hear before I come back again. But don't forget me:
I shan't forget you, though I've been a naughty girl. Come, why
don't you congratulate me?'
'I cannot congratulate you,' I replied, 'till I know whether this
change is really for the better: but I sincerely hope it is; and I
wish you true happiness and the best of blessings.'
'Well, good-by, the carriage is waiting, and they're calling me.'
She gave me a hasty kiss, and was hurrying away; but, suddenly
returning, embraced me with more affection than I thought her
capable of evincing, and departed with tears in her eyes. Poor
girl! I really loved her then; and forgave her from my heart all
the injury she had done me - and others also: she had not half
known it, I was sure; and I prayed God to pardon her too.
During the remainder of that day of festal sadness, I was left to
my own devices. Being too much unhinged for any steady occupation,
I wandered about with a book in my hand for several hours, more
thinking than reading, for I had many things to think about. In
the evening, I made use of my liberty to go and see my old friend
Nancy once again; to apologize for my long absence (which must have
seemed so neglectful and unkind) by telling her how busy I had
been; and to talk, or read, or work for her, whichever might be
most acceptable, and also, of course, to tell her the news of this
important day: and perhaps to obtain a little information from her
in return, respecting Mr. Weston's expected departure. But of this
she seemed to know nothing, and I hoped, as she did, that it was
all a false report. She was very glad to see me; but, happily, her
eyes were now so nearly well that she was almost independent of my
services. She was deeply interested in the wedding; but while I
amused her with the details of the festive day, the splendours of
the bridal party and of the bride herself, she often sighed and
shook her head, and wished good might come of it; she seemed, like
me, to regard it rather as a theme for sorrow than rejoicing. I
sat a long time talking to her about that and other things - but no
one came.
Shall I confess that I sometimes looked towards the door with a
half-expectant wish to see it open and give entrance to Mr. Weston,
as had happened once before? and that, returning through the lanes
and fields, I often paused to look round me, and walked more slowly
than was at all necessary - for, though a fine evening, it was not
a hot one - and, finally, felt a sense of emptiness and
disappointment at having reached the house without meeting or even
catching a distant glimpse of any one, except a few labourers
returning from their work?
Sunday, however, was approaching: I should see him then: for now
that Miss Murray was gone, I could have my old corner again. I
should see him, and by look, speech, and manner, I might judge
whether the circumstance of her marriage had very much afflicted
him. Happily I could perceive no shadow of a difference: he wore
the same aspect as he had worn two months ago - voice, look,
manner, all alike unchanged: there was the same keen-sighted,
unclouded truthfulness in his discourse, the same forcible
clearness in his style, the same earnest simplicity in all he said
and did, that made itself, not marked by the eye and ear, but felt
upon the hearts of his audience.
I walked home with Miss Matilda; but HE DID NOT JOIN US. Matilda
was now sadly at a loss for amusement, and wofully in want of a
companion: her brothers at school, her sister married and gone,
she too young to be admitted into society; for which, from
Rosalie's example, she was in some degree beginning to acquire a
taste - a taste at least for the company of certain classes of
gentlemen; at this dull time of year - no hunting going on, no
shooting even - for, though she might not join in that, it was
SOMETHING to see her father or the gamekeeper go out with the dogs,
and to talk with them on their return, about the different birds
they had bagged. Now, also, she was denied the solace which the
companionship of the coachman, grooms, horses, greyhounds, and
pointers might have afforded; for her mother having,
notwithstanding the disadvantages of a country life, so
satisfactorily disposed of her elder daughter, the pride of her
heart had begun seriously to turn her attention to the younger;
and, being truly alarmed at the roughness of her manners, and
thinking it high time to work a reform, had been roused at length
to exert her authority, and prohibited entirely the yards, stables,
kennels, and coachhouse. Of course, she was not implicitly obeyed;
but, indulgent as she had hitherto been, when once her spirit was
roused, her temper was not so gentle as she required that of her
governesses to be, and her will was not to be thwarted with
impunity. After many a scene of contention between mother and
daughter, many a violent outbreak which I was ashamed to witness,
in which the father's authority was often called in to confirm with
oaths and threats the mother's slighted prohibitions - for even HE
could see that 'Tilly, though she would have made a fine lad, was
not quite what a young lady ought to be' - Matilda at length found
that her easiest plan was to keep clear of the forbidden regions;
unless she could now and then steal a visit without her watchful
mother's knowledge.
Amid all this, let it not be imagined that I escaped without many a
reprimand, and many an implied reproach, that lost none of its
sting from not being openly worded; but rather wounded the more
deeply, because, from that very reason, it seemed to preclude selfdefence.
Frequently, I was told to amuse Miss Matilda with other
things, and to remind her of her mother's precepts and
prohibitions. I did so to the best of my power: but she would not
be amused against her will, and could not against her taste; and
though I went beyond mere reminding, such gentle remonstrances as I
could use were utterly ineffectual.
'DEAR Miss Grey! it is the STRANGEST thing. I suppose you can't
help it, if it's not in your nature - but I WONDER you can't win
the confidence of that girl, and make your society at LEAST as
agreeable to her as that of Robert or Joseph!'
'They can talk the best about the things in which she is most
interested,' I replied.
'Well! that is a strange confession, HOWEVER, to come from her
GOVERNESS! Who is to form a young lady's tastes, I wonder, if the
governess doesn't do it? I have known governesses who have so
completely identified themselves with the reputation of their young
ladies for elegance and propriety in mind and manners, that they
would blush to speak a word against them; and to hear the slightest
blame imputed to their pupils was worse than to be censured in
their own persons - and I really think it very natural, for my
part.'
'Do you, ma'am?'
'Yes, of course: the young lady's proficiency and elegance is of
more consequence to the governess than her own, as well as to the
world. If she wishes to prosper in her vocation she must devote
all her energies to her business: all her ideas and all her
ambition will tend to the accomplishment of that one object. When
we wish to decide upon the merits of a governess, we naturally look
at the young ladies she professes to have educated, and judge
accordingly. The JUDICIOUS governess knows this: she knows that,
while she lives in obscurity herself, her pupils' virtues and
defects will be open to every eye; and that, unless she loses sight
of herself in their cultivation, she need not hope for success.
You see, Miss Grey, it is just the same as any other trade or
profession: they that wish to prosper must devote themselves body
and soul to their calling; and if they begin to yield to indolence
or self-indulgence they are speedily distanced by wiser
competitors: there is little to choose between a person that ruins
her pupils by neglect, and one that corrupts them by her example.
You will excuse my dropping these little hints: you know it is all
for your own good. Many ladies would speak to you much more
strongly; and many would not trouble themselves to speak at all,
but quietly look out for a substitute. That, of course, would be
the EASIEST plan: but I know the advantages of a place like this
to a person in your situation; and I have no desire to part with
you, as I am sure you would do very well if you will only think of
these things and try to exert yourself a LITTLE more: then, I am
convinced, you would SOON acquire that delicate tact which alone is
wanting to give you a proper influence over the mind of your
pupil.'
I was about to give the lady some idea of the fallacy of her
expectations; but she sailed away as soon as she had concluded her
speech. Having said what she wished, it was no part of her plan to
await my answer: it was my business to hear, and not to speak.
However, as I have said, Matilda at length yielded in some degree
to her mother's authority (pity it had not been exerted before);
and being thus deprived of almost every source of amusement, there
was nothing for it but to take long rides with the groom and long
walks with the governess, and to visit the cottages and farmhouses
on her father's estate, to kill time in chatting with the old men
and women that inhabited them. In one of these walks, it was our
chance to meet Mr. Weston. This was what I had long desired; but
now, for a moment, I wished either he or I were away: I felt my
heart throb so violently that I dreaded lest some outward signs of
emotion should appear; but I think he hardly glanced at me, and I
was soon calm enough. After a brief salutation to both, he asked
Matilda if she had lately heard from her sister.
'Yes,' replied she. 'She was at Paris when she wrote, and very
well, and very happy.'
She spoke the last word emphatically, and with a glance
impertinently sly. He did not seem to notice it, but replied, with
equal emphasis, and very seriously -
'I hope she will continue to be so.'
'Do you think it likely?' I ventured to inquire: for Matilda had
started off in pursuit of her dog, that was chasing a leveret.
'I cannot tell,' replied he. 'Sir Thomas may be a better man than
I suppose; but, from all I have heard and seen, it seems a pity
that one so young and gay, and - and interesting, to express many
things by one word - whose greatest, if not her only fault, appears
to be thoughtlessness - no trifling fault to be sure, since it
renders the possessor liable to almost every other, and exposes him
to so many temptations - but it seems a pity that she should be
thrown away on such a man. It was her mother's wish, I suppose?'
'Yes; and her own too, I think, for she always laughed at my
attempts to dissuade her from the step.'
'You did attempt it? Then, at least, you will have the
satisfaction of knowing that it is no fault of yours, if any harm
should come of it. As for Mrs. Murray, I don't know how she can
justify her conduct: if I had sufficient acquaintance with her,
I'd ask her.'
'It seems unnatural: but some people think rank and wealth the
chief good; and, if they can secure that for their children, they
think they have done their duty.'
'True: but is it not strange that persons of experience, who have
been married themselves, should judge so falsely?' Matilda now
came panting back, with the lacerated body of the young hare in her
hand.
'Was it your intention to kill that hare, or to save it, Miss
Murray?' asked Mr. Weston, apparently puzzled at her gleeful
countenance.
'I pretended to want to save it,' she answered, honestly enough,
'as it was so glaringly out of season; but I was better pleased to
see it lolled. However, you can both witness that I couldn't help
it: Prince was determined to have her; and he clutched her by the
back, and killed her in a minute! Wasn't it a noble chase?'
'Very! for a young lady after a leveret.'
There was a quiet sarcasm in the tone of his reply which was not
lost upon her; she shrugged her shoulders, and, turning away with a
significant 'Humph!' asked me how I had enjoyed the fun. I replied
that I saw no fun in the matter; but admitted that I had not
observed the transaction very narrowly.
'Didn't you see how it doubled - just like an old hare? and didn't
you hear it scream?'
'I'm happy to say I did not.'
'It cried out just like a child.'
'Poor little thing! What will you do with it?'
'Come along - I shall leave it in the first house we come to. I
don't want to take it home, for fear papa should scold me for
letting the dog kill it.'
Mr. Weston was now gone, and we too went on our way; but as we
returned, after having deposited the hare in a farm-house, and
demolished some spice-cake and currant-wine in exchange, we met him
returning also from the execution of his mission, whatever it might
be. He carried in his hand a cluster of beautiful bluebells, which
he offered to me; observing, with a smile, that though he had seen
so little of me for the last two months, he had not forgotten that
blue-bells were numbered among my favourite flowers. It was done
as a simple act of goodwill, without compliment or remarkable
courtesy, or any look that could be construed into 'reverential,
tender adoration' (VIDE Rosalie Murray); but still, it was
something to find my unimportant saying so well remembered: it was
something that he had noticed so accurately the time I had ceased
to be visible.
'I was told,' said he, 'that you were a perfect bookworm, Miss
Grey: so completely absorbed in your studies that you were lost to
every other pleasure.'
'Yes, and it's quite true!' cried Matilda.
'No, Mr. Weston: don't believe it: it's a scandalous libel.
These young ladies are too fond of making random assertions at the
expense of their friends; and you ought to be careful how you
listen to them.'
'I hope THIS assertion is groundless, at any rate.'
'Why? Do you particularly object to ladies studying?'
'No; but I object to anyone so devoting himself or herself to
study, as to lose sight of everything else. Except under peculiar
circumstances, I consider very close and constant study as a waste
of time, and an injury to the mind as well as the body.'
'Well, I have neither the time nor the inclination for such
transgressions.'
We parted again.
Well! what is there remarkable in all this? Why have I recorded
it? Because, reader, it was important enough to give me a cheerful
evening, a night of pleasing dreams, and a morning of felicitous
hopes. Shallow-brained cheerfulness, foolish dreams, unfounded
hopes, you would say; and I will not venture to deny it:
suspicions to that effect arose too frequently in my own mind. But
our wishes are like tinder: the flint and steel of circumstances
are continually striking out sparks, which vanish immediately,
unless they chance to fall upon the tinder of our wishes; then,
they instantly ignite, and the flame of hope is kindled in a
moment.
But alas! that very morning, my flickering flame of hope was
dismally quenched by a letter from my mother, which spoke so
seriously of my father's increasing illness, that I feared there
was little or no chance of his recovery; and, close at hand as the
holidays were, I almost trembled lest they should come too late for
me to meet him in this world. Two days after, a letter from Mary
told me his life was despaired of, and his end seemed fast
approaching. Then, immediately, I sought permission to anticipate
the vacation, and go without delay. Mrs. Murray stared, and
wondered at the unwonted energy and boldness with which I urged the
request, and thought there was no occasion to hurry; but finally
gave me leave: stating, however, that there was 'no need to be in
such agitation about the matter - it might prove a false alarm
after all; and if not - why, it was only in the common course of
nature: we must all die some time; and I was not to suppose myself
the only afflicted person in the world;' and concluding with saying
I might have the phaeton to take me to O-. 'And instead of
REPINING, Miss Grey, be thankful for the PRIVILEGES you enjoy.
There's many a poor clergyman whose family would be plunged into
ruin by the event of his death; but you, you see, have influential
friends ready to continue their patronage, and to show you every
consideration.'
I thanked her for her 'consideration,' and flew to my room to make
some hurried preparations for my departure. My bonnet and shawl
being on, and a few things hastily crammed into my largest trunk, I
descended. But I might have done the work more leisurely, for no
one else was in a hurry; and I had still a considerable time to
wait for the phaeton. At length it came to the door, and I was
off: but, oh, what a dreary journey was that! how utterly
different from my former passages homewards! Being too late for
the last coach to -, I had to hire a cab for ten miles, and then a
car to take me over the rugged hills.
It was half-past ten before I reached home. They were not in bed.
My mother and sister both met me in the passage - sad - silent -
pale! I was so much shocked and terror-stricken that I could not
speak, to ask the information I so much longed yet dreaded to
obtain.
'Agnes!' said my mother, struggling to repress some strong emotion.
'Oh, Agnes!' cried Mary, and burst into tears.
'How is he?' I asked, gasping for the answer.
'Dead!'
It was the reply I had anticipated: but the shock seemed none the
less tremendous.
CHAPTER XIX - THE LETTER
MY father's mortal remains had been consigned to the tomb; and we,
with sad faces and sombre garments, sat lingering over the frugal
breakfast-table, revolving plans for our future life. My mother's
strong mind had not given way beneath even this affliction: her
spirit, though crushed, was not broken. Mary's wish was that I
should go back to Horton Lodge, and that our mother should come and
live with her and Mr. Richardson at the vicarage: she affirmed
that he wished it no less than herself, and that such an
arrangement could not fail to benefit all parties; for my mother's
society and experience would be of inestimable value to them, and
they would do all they could to make her happy. But no arguments
or entreaties could prevail: my mother was determined not to go.
Not that she questioned, for a moment, the kind wishes and
intentions of her daughter; but she affirmed that so long as God
spared her health and strength, she would make use of them to earn
her own livelihood, and be chargeable to no one; whether her
dependence would be felt as a burden or not. If she could afford
to reside as a lodger in - vicarage, she would choose that house
before all others as the place of her abode; but not being so
circumstanced, she would never come under its roof, except as an
occasional visitor: unless sickness or calamity should render her
assistance really needful, or until age or infirmity made her
incapable of maintaining herself.
'No, Mary,' said she, 'if Richardson and you have anything to
spare, you must lay it aside for your family; and Agnes and I must
gather honey for ourselves. Thanks to my having had daughters to
educate, I have not forgotten my accomplishments. God willing, I
will check this vain repining,' she said, while the tears coursed
one another down her cheeks in spite of her efforts; but she wiped
them away, and resolutely shaking back her head, continued, 'I will
exert myself, and look out for a small house, commodiously situated
in some populous but healthy district, where we will take a few
young ladies to board and educate - if we can get them - and as
many day pupils as will come, or as we can manage to instruct.
Your father's relations and old friends will be able to send us
some pupils, or to assist us with their recommendations, no doubt:
I shall not apply to my own. What say you to it, Agnes? will you
be willing to leave your present situation and try?'
'Quite willing, mamma; and the money I have saved will do to
furnish the house. It shall be taken from the bank directly.'
'When it is wanted: we must get the house, and settle on
preliminaries first.'
Mary offered to lend the little she possessed; but my mother
declined it, saying that we must begin on an economical plan; and
she hoped that the whole or part of mine, added to what we could
get by the sale of the furniture, and what little our dear papa had
contrived to lay aside for her since the debts were paid, would be
sufficient to last us till Christmas; when, it was hoped, something
would accrue from our united labours. It was finally settled that
this should be our plan; and that inquiries and preparations should
immediately be set on foot; and while my mother busied herself with
these, I should return to Horton Lodge at the close of my four
weeks' vacation, and give notice for my final departure when things
were in train for the speedy commencement of our school.
We were discussing these affairs on the morning I have mentioned,
about a fortnight after my father's death, when a letter was
brought in for my mother, on beholding which the colour mounted to
her face - lately pale enough with anxious watchings and excessive
sorrow. 'From my father!' murmured she, as she hastily tore off
the cover. It was many years since she had heard from any of her
own relations before. Naturally wondering what the letter might
contain, I watched her countenance while she read it, and was
somewhat surprised to see her bite her lip and knit her brows as if
in anger. When she had done, she somewhat irreverently cast it on
the table, saying with a scornful smile, - 'Your grandpapa has been
so kind as to write to me. He says he has no doubt I have long
repented of my "unfortunate marriage," and if I will only
acknowledge this, and confess I was wrong in neglecting his advice,
and that I have justly suffered for it, he will make a lady of me
once again - if that be possible after my long degradation - and
remember my girls in his will. Get my desk, Agnes, and send these
things away: I will answer the letter directly. But first, as I
may be depriving you both of a legacy, it is just that I should
tell you what I mean to say. I shall say that he is mistaken in
supposing that I can regret the birth of my daughters (who have
been the pride of my life, and are likely to be the comfort of my
old age), or the thirty years I have passed in the company of my
best and dearest friend; - that, had our misfortunes been three
times as great as they were (unless they had been of my bringing
on), I should still the more rejoice to have shared them with your
father, and administered what consolation I was able; and, had his
sufferings in illness been ten times what they wore, I could not
regret having watched over and laboured to relieve them; - that, if
he had married a richer wife, misfortunes and trials would no doubt
have come upon him still; while I am egotist enough to imagine that
no other woman could have cheered him through them so well: not
that I am superior to the rest, but I was made for him, and he for
me; and I can no more repent the hours, days, years of happiness we
have spent together, and which neither could have had without the
other, than I can the privilege of having been his nurse in
sickness, and his comfort in affliction.
'Will this do, children? - or shall I say we are all very sorry for
what has happened during the last thirty years, and my daughters
wish they had never been born; but since they have had that
misfortune, they will be thankful for any trifle their grandpapa
will be kind enough to bestow?'
Of course, we both applauded our mother's resolution; Mary cleared
away the breakfast things; I brought the desk; the letter was
quickly written and despatched; and, from that day, we heard no
more of our grandfather, till we saw his death announced in the
newspaper a considerable time after - all his worldly possessions,
of course, being left to our wealthy unknown cousins.
CHAPTER XX - THE FAREWELL
A HOUSE in A-, the fashionable watering-place, was hired for our
seminary; and a promise of two or three pupils was obtained to
commence with. I returned to Horton Lodge about the middle of
July, leaving my mother to conclude the bargain for the house, to
obtain more pupils, to sell off the furniture of our old abode, and
to fit out the new one.
We often pity the poor, because they have no leisure to mourn their
departed relatives, and necessity obliges them to labour through
their severest afflictions: but is not active employment the best
remedy for overwhelming sorrow - the surest antidote for despair?
It may be a rough comforter: it may seem hard to be harassed with
the cares of life when we have no relish for its enjoyments; to be
goaded to labour when the heart is ready to break, and the vexed
spirit implores for rest only to weep in silence: but is not
labour better than the rest we covet? and are not those petty,
tormenting cares less hurtful than a continual brooding over the
great affliction that oppresses us? Besides, we cannot have cares,
and anxieties, and toil, without hope - if it be but the hope of
fulfilling our joyless task, accomplishing some needful project, or
escaping some further annoyance. At any rate, I was glad my mother
had so much employment for every faculty of her action-loving
frame. Our kind neighbours lamented that she, once so exalted in
wealth and station, should be reduced to such extremity in her time
of sorrow; but I am persuaded that she would have suffered thrice
as much had she been left in affluence, with liberty to remain in
that house, the scene of her early happiness and late affliction,
and no stern necessity to prevent her from incessantly brooding
over and lamenting her bereavement.
I will not dilate upon the feelings with which I left the old
house, the well-known garden, the little village church - then
doubly dear to me, because my father, who, for thirty years, had
taught and prayed within its walls, lay slumbering now beneath its
flags - and the old bare hills, delightful in their very
desolation, with the narrow vales between, smiling in green wood
and sparkling water - the house where I was born, the scene of all
my early associations, the place where throughout life my earthly
affections had been centred; - and left them to return no more!
True, I was going back to Horton Lodge, where, amid many evils, one
source of pleasure yet remained: but it was pleasure mingled with
excessive pain; and my stay, alas! was limited to six weeks. And
even of that precious time, day after day slipped by and I did not
see him: except at church, I never saw him for a fortnight after
my return. It seemed a long time to me: and, as I was often out
with my rambling pupil, of course hopes would keep rising, and
disappointments would ensue; and then, I would say to my own heart,
'Here is a convincing proof - if you would but have the sense to
see it, or the candour to acknowledge it - that he does not care
for you. If he only thought HALF as much about you as you do about
him, he would have contrived to meet you many times ere this: you
must know that, by consulting your own feelings. Therefore, have
done with this nonsense: you have no ground for hope: dismiss, at
once, these hurtful thoughts and foolish wishes from your mind, and
turn to your own duty, and the dull blank life that lies before
you. You might have known such happiness was not for you.'
But I saw him at last. He came suddenly upon me as I was crossing
a field in returning from a visit to Nancy Brown, which I had taken
the opportunity of paying while Matilda Murray was riding her
matchless mare. He must have heard of the heavy loss I had
sustained: he expressed no sympathy, offered no condolence: but
almost the first words he uttered were, - 'How is your mother?'
And this was no matter-of -course question, for I never told him
that I had a mother: he must have learned the fact from others, if
he knew it at all; and, besides, there was sincere goodwill, and
even deep, touching, unobtrusive sympathy in the tone and manner of
the inquiry. I thanked him with due civility, and told him she was
as well as could be expected. 'What will she do?' was the next
question. Many would have deemed it an impertinent one, and given
an evasive reply; but such an idea never entered my head, and I
gave a brief but plain statement of my mother's plans and
prospects.
'Then you will leave this place shortly?' said he.
'Yes, in a month.'
He paused a minute, as if in thought. When he spoke again, I hoped
it would be to express his concern at my departure; but it was only
to say, - 'I should think you will be willing enough to go?'
'Yes - for some things,' I replied.
'For SOME things only - I wonder what should make you regret it?'
I was annoyed at this in some degree; because it embarrassed me: I
had only one reason for regretting it; and that was a profound
secret, which he had no business to trouble me about.
'Why,' said I - 'why should you suppose that I dislike the place?'
'You told me so yourself,' was the decisive reply. 'You said, at
least, that you could not live contentedly, without a friend; and
that you had no friend here, and no possibility of making one -
and, besides, I know you MUST dislike it.'
'But if you remember rightly, I said, or meant to say, I could not
live contentedly without a friend in the world: I was not so
unreasonable as to require one always near me. I think I could be
happy in a house full of enemies, if - ' but no; that sentence must
not be continued - I paused, and hastily added, - 'And, besides, we
cannot well leave a place where we have lived for two or three
years, without some feeling of regret.'
'Will you regret to part with Miss Murray, your sole remaining
pupil and companion?'
'I dare say I shall in some degree: it was not without sorrow I
parted with her sister.'
'I can imagine that.'
'Well, Miss Matilda is quite as good - better in one respect.'
'What is that?'
'She's honest.'
'And the other is not?'
'I should not call her DIShonest; but it must be confessed she's a
little artful.'
'ARTFUL is she? - I saw she was giddy and vain - and now,' he
added, after a pause, 'I can well believe she was artful too; but
so excessively so as to assume an aspect of extreme simplicity and
unguarded openness. Yes,' continued he, musingly, 'that accounts
for some little things that puzzled me a trifle before.'
After that, he turned the conversation to more general subjects.
He did not leave me till we had nearly reached the park-gates: he
had certainly stepped a little out of his way to accompany me so
far, for he now went back and disappeared down Moss Lane, the
entrance of which we had passed some time before. Assuredly I did
not regret this circumstance: if sorrow had any place in my heart,
it was that he was gone at last - that he was no longer walking by
my side, and that that short interval of delightful intercourse was
at an end. He had not breathed a word of love, or dropped one hint
of tenderness or affection, and yet I had been supremely happy. To
be near him, to hear him talk as he did talk, and to feel that he
thought me worthy to be so spoken to - capable of understanding and
duly appreciating such discourse - was enough.
'Yes, Edward Weston, I could indeed be happy in a house full of
enemies, if I had but one friend, who truly, deeply, and faithfully
loved me; and if that friend were you - though we might be far
apart - seldom to hear from each other, still more seldom to meet -
though toil, and trouble, and vexation might surround me, still -
it would be too much happiness for me to dream of! Yet who can
tell,' said I within myself, as I proceeded up the park, - 'who can
tell what this one month may bring forth? I have lived nearly
three-and-twenty years, and I have suffered much, and tasted little
pleasure yet; is it likely my life all through will be so clouded?
Is it not possible that God may hear my prayers, disperse these
gloomy shadows, and grant me some beams of heaven's sunshine yet?
Will He entirely deny to me those blessings which are so freely
given to others, who neither ask them nor acknowledge them when
received? May I not still hope and trust? I did hope and trust
for a while: but, alas, alas! the time ebbed away: one week
followed another, and, excepting one distant glimpse and two
transient meetings - during which scarcely anything was said -
while I was walking with Miss Matilda, I saw nothing of him:
except, of course, at church.
And now, the last Sunday was come, and the last service. I was
often on the point of melting into tears during the sermon - the
last I was to hear from him: the best I should hear from anyone, I
was well assured. It was over - the congregation were departing;
and I must follow. I had then seen him, and heard his voice, too,
probably for the last time. In the churchyard, Matilda was pounced
upon by the two Misses Green. They had many inquiries to make
about her sister, and I know not what besides. I only wished they
would have done, that we might hasten back to Horton Lodge: I
longed to seek the retirement of my own room, or some sequestered
nook in the grounds, that I might deliver myself up to my feelings
- to weep my last farewell, and lament my false hopes and vain
delusions. Only this once, and then adieu to fruitless dreaming -
thenceforth, only sober, solid, sad reality should occupy my mind.
But while I thus resolved, a low voice close beside me said - 'I
suppose you are going this week, Miss Grey?' 'Yes,' I replied. I
was very much startled; and had I been at all hysterically
inclined, I certainly should have committed myself in some way
then. Thank God, I was not.
'Well,' said Mr. Weston, 'I want to bid you good-bye - it is not
likely I shall see you again before you go.'
'Good-bye, Mr. Weston,' I said. Oh, how I struggled to say it
calmly! I gave him my hand. He retained it a few seconds in his.
'It is possible we may meet again,' said he; 'will it be of any
consequence to you whether we do or not?'
'Yes, I should be very glad to see you again.'
I COULD say no less. He kindly pressed my hand, and went. Now, I
was happy again - though more inclined to burst into tears than
ever. If I had been forced to speak at that moment, a succession
of sobs would have inevitably ensued; and as it was, I could not
keep the water out of my eyes. I walked along with Miss Murray,
turning aside my face, and neglecting to notice several successive
remarks, till she bawled out that I was either deaf or stupid; and
then (having recovered my self-possession), as one awakened from a
fit of abstraction, I suddenly looked up and asked what she had
been saying.
CHAPTER XXI - THE SCHOOL
I LEFT Horton Lodge, and went to join my mother in our new abode at
A-. I found her well in health, resigned in spirit, and even
cheerful, though subdued and sober, in her general demeanour. We
had only three boarders and half a dozen day-pupils to commence
with; but by due care and diligence we hoped ere long to increase
the number of both.
I set myself with befitting energy to discharge the duties of this
new mode of life. I call it NEW, for there was, indeed, a
considerable difference between working with my mother in a school
of our own, and working as a hireling among strangers, despised and
trampled upon by old and young; and for the first few weeks I was
by no means unhappy. 'It is possible we may meet again,' and 'will
it be of any consequence to you whether we do or not?' - Those
words still rang in my ear and rested on my heart: they were my
secret solace and support. 'I shall see him again. - He will come;
or he will write.' No promise, in fact, was too bright or too
extravagant for Hope to whisper in my ear. I did not believe half
of what she told me: I pretended to laugh at it all; but I was far
more credulous than I myself supposed; otherwise, why did my heart
leap up when a knock was heard at the front door, and the maid, who
opened it, came to tell my mother a gentleman wished to see her?
and why was I out of humour for the rest of the day, because it
proved to be a music-master come to offer his services to our
school? and what stopped my breath for a moment, when the postman
having brought a couple of letters, my mother said, 'Here, Agnes,
this is for you,' and threw one of them to me? and what made the
hot blood rush into my face when I saw it was directed in a
gentleman's hand? and why - oh! why did that cold, sickening sense
of disappointment fall upon me, when I had torn open the cover and
found it was ONLY a letter from Mary, which, for some reason or
other, her husband had directed for her?
Was it then come to this - that I should be DISAPPOINTED to receive
a letter from my only sister: and because it was not written by a
comparative stranger? Dear Mary! and she had written it so kindly
- and thinking I should be so pleased to have it! - I was not
worthy to read it! And I believe, in my indignation against
myself, I should have put it aside till I had schooled myself into
a better frame of mind, and was become more deserving of the honour
and privilege of its perusal: but there was my mother looking on,
and wishful to know what news it contained; so I read it and
delivered it to her, and then went into the schoolroom to attend to
the pupils: but amidst the cares of copies and sums - in the
intervals of correcting errors here, and reproving derelictions of
duty there, I was inwardly taking myself to task with far sterner
severity. 'What a fool you must be,' said my head to my heart, or
my sterner to my softer self; - 'how could you ever dream that he
would write to you? What grounds have you for such a hope - or
that he will see you, or give himself any trouble about you - or
even think of you again?' 'What grounds?' - and then Hope set
before me that last, short interview, and repeated the words I had
so faithfully treasured in my memory. 'Well, and what was there in
that? - Who ever hung his hopes upon so frail a twig? What was
there in those words that any common acquaintance might not say to
another? Of course, it was possible you might meet again: he
might have said so if you had been going to New Zealand; but that
did not imply any INTENTION of seeing you - and then, as to the
question that followed, anyone might ask that: and how did you
answer? - Merely with a stupid, commonplace reply, such as you
would have given to Master Murray, or anyone else you had been on
tolerably civil terms with.' 'But, then,' persisted Hope, 'the
tone and manner in which he spoke.' 'Oh, that is nonsense! he
always speaks impressively; and at that moment there were the
Greens and Miss Matilda Murray just before, and other people
passing by, and he was obliged to stand close beside you, and to
speak very low, unless he wished everybody to hear what he said,
which - though it was nothing at all particular - of course, he
would rather not.' But then, above all, that emphatic, yet gentle
pressure of the hand, which seemed to say, 'TRUST me;' and many
other things besides - too delightful, almost too flattering, to be
repeated even to one's self. 'Egregious folly - too absurd to
require contradiction - mere inventions of the imagination, which
you ought to be ashamed of. If you would but consider your own
unattractive exterior, your unamiable reserve, your foolish
diffidence - which must make you appear cold, dull, awkward, and
perhaps ill-tempered too; - if you had but rightly considered these
from the beginning, you would never have harboured such
presumptuous thoughts: and now that you have been so foolish, pray
repent and amend, and let us have no more of it!'
I cannot say that I implicitly obeyed my own injunctions: but such
reasoning as this became more and more effective as time wore on,
and nothing was seen or heard of Mr. Weston; until, at last, I gave
up hoping, for even my heart acknowledged it was all in vain. But
still, I would think of him: I would cherish his image in my mind;
and treasure every word, look, and gesture that my memory could
retain; and brood over his excellences and his peculiarities, and,
in fact, all I had seen, heard, or imagined respecting him.
'Agnes, this sea air and change of scene do you no good, I think:
I never saw you look so wretched. It must be that you sit too
much, and allow the cares of the schoolroom to worry you. You must
learn to take things easy, and to be more active and cheerful; you
must take exercise whenever you can get it, and leave the most
tiresome duties to me: they will only serve to exercise my
patience, and, perhaps, try my temper a little.'
So said my mother, as we sat at work one morning during the Easter
holidays. I assured her that my employments were not at all
oppressive; that I was well; or, if there was anything amiss, it
would be gone as soon as the trying months of spring were over:
when summer came I should be as strong and hearty as she could wish
to see me: but inwardly her observation startled me. I knew my
strength was declining, my appetite had failed, and I was grown
listless and desponding; - and if, indeed, he could never care for
me, and I could never see him more - if I was forbidden to minister
to his happiness - forbidden, for ever, to taste the joys of love,
to bless, and to be blessed - then, life must be a burden, and if
my heavenly Father would call me away, I should be glad to rest.
But it would not do to die and leave my mother. Selfish, unworthy
daughter, to forget her for a moment! Was not her happiness
committed in a great measure to my charge? - and the welfare of our
young pupils too? Should I shrink from the work that God had set
before me, because it was not fitted to my taste? Did not He know
best what I should do, and where I ought to labour? - and should I
long to quit His service before I had finished my task, and expect
to enter into His rest without having laboured to earn it? 'No; by
His help I will arise and address myself diligently to my appointed
duty. If happiness in this world is not for me, I will endeavour
to promote the welfare of those around me, and my reward shall be
hereafter.' So said I in my heart; and from that hour I only
permitted my thoughts to wander to Edward Weston - or at least to
dwell upon him now and then - as a treat for rare occasions: and,
whether it was really the approach of summer or the effect of these
good resolutions, or the lapse of time, or all together,
tranquillity of mind was soon restored; and bodily health and
vigour began likewise, slowly, but surely, to return.
Early in June, I received a letter from Lady Ashby, late Miss
Murray. She had written to me twice or thrice before, from the
different stages of her bridal tour, always in good spirits, and
professing to be very happy. I wondered every time that she had
not forgotten me, in the midst of so much gaiety and variety of
scene. At length, however, there was a pause; and it seemed she
had forgotten me, for upwards of seven months passed away and no
letter. Of course, I did not break my heart about THAT, though I
often wondered how she was getting on; and when this last epistle
so unexpectedly arrived, I was glad enough to receive it. It was
dated from Ashby Park, where she was come to settle down at last,
having previously divided her time between the continent and the
metropolis. She made many apologies for having neglected me so
long, assured me she had not forgotten me, and had often intended
to write, &c. &c., but had always been prevented by something. She
acknowledged that she had been leading a very dissipated life, and
I should think her very wicked and very thoughtless; but,
notwithstanding that, she thought a great deal, and, among other
things, that she should vastly like to see me. 'We have been
several days here already,' wrote she. 'We have not a single
friend with us, and are likely to be very dull. You know I never
had a fancy for living with my husband like two turtles in a nest,
were he the most delightful creature that ever wore a coat; so do
take pity upon me and come. I suppose your Midsummer holidays
commence in June, the same as other people's; therefore you cannot
plead want of time; and you must and shall come - in fact, I shall
die if you don't. I want you to visit me as a friend, and stay a
long time. There is nobody with me, as I told you before, but Sir
Thomas and old Lady Ashby: but you needn't mind them - they'll
trouble us but little with their company. And you shall have a
room to yourself, whenever you like to retire to it, and plenty of
books to read when my company is not sufficiently amusing. I
forget whether you like babies; if you do, you may have the
pleasure of seeing mine - the most charming child in the world, no
doubt; and all the more so, that I am not troubled with nursing it
- I was determined I wouldn't be bothered with that.
Unfortunately, it is a girl, and Sir Thomas has never forgiven me:
but, however, if you will only come, I promise you shall be its
governess as soon as it can speak; and you shall bring it up in the
way it should go, and make a better woman of it than its mamma.
And you shall see my poodle, too: a splendid little charmer
imported from Paris: and two fine Italian paintings of great value
- I forget the artist. Doubtless you will be able to discover
prodigious beauties in them, which you must point out to me, as I
only admire by hearsay; and many elegant curiosities besides, which
I purchased at Rome and elsewhere; and, finally, you shall see my
new home - the splendid house and grounds I used to covet so
greatly. Alas! how far the promise of anticipation exceeds the
pleasure of possession! There's a fine sentiment! I assure you I
am become quite a grave old matron: pray come, if it be only to
witness the wonderful change. Write by return of post, and tell me
when your vacation commences, and say that you will come the day
after, and stay till the day before it closes - in mercy to
'Yours affectionately,
'ROSALIE ASHBY.'
I showed this strange epistle to my mother, and consulted her on
what I ought to do. She advised me to go; and I went - willing
enough to see Lady Ashby, and her baby, too, and to do anything I
could to benefit her, by consolation or advice; for I imagined she
must be unhappy, or she would not have applied to me thus - but
feeling, as may readily be conceived, that, in accepting the
invitation, I made a great sacrifice for her, and did violence to
my feelings in many ways, instead of being delighted with the
honourable distinction of being entreated by the baronet's lady to
visit her as a friend. However, I determined my visit should be
only for a few days at most; and I will not deny that I derived
some consolation from the idea that, as Ashby Park was not very far
from Horton, I might possibly see Mr. Weston, or, at least, hear
something about him.
CHAPTER XXII - THE VISIT
ASHBY PARK was certainly a very delightful residence. The mansion
was stately without, commodious and elegant within; the park was
spacious and beautiful, chiefly on account of its magnificent old
trees, its stately herds of deer, its broad sheet of water, and the
ancient woods that stretched beyond it: for there was no broken
ground to give variety to the landscape, and but very little of
that undulating swell which adds so greatly to the charm of park
scenery. And so, this was the place Rosalie Murray had so longed
to call her own, that she must have a share of it, on whatever
terms it might be offered - whatever price was to be paid for the
title of mistress, and whoever was to be her partner in the honour
and bliss of such a possession! Well I am not disposed to censure
her now.
She received me very kindly; and, though I was a poor clergyman's
daughter, a governess, and a schoolmistress, she welcomed me with
unaffected pleasure to her home; and - what surprised me rather -
took some pains to make my visit agreeable. I could see, it is
true, that she expected me to be greatly struck with the
magnificence that surrounded her; and, I confess, I was rather
annoyed at her evident efforts to reassure me, and prevent me from
being overwhelmed by so much grandeur - too much awed at the idea
of encountering her husband and mother-in-law, or too much ashamed
of my own humble appearance. I was not ashamed of it at all; for,
though plain, I had taken good care not to shabby or mean, and
should have been pretty considerably at my ease, if my
condescending hostess had not taken such manifest pains to make me
so; and, as for the magnificence that surrounded her, nothing that
met my eyes struck me or affected me half so much as her own
altered appearance. Whether from the influence of fashionable
dissipation, or some other evil, a space of little more than twelve
months had had the effect that might be expected from as many
years, in reducing the plumpness of her form, the freshness of her
complexion, the vivacity of her movements, and the exuberance of
her spirits.
I wished to know if she was unhappy; but I felt it was not my
province to inquire: I might endeavour to win her confidence; but,
if she chose to conceal her matrimonial cares from me, I would
trouble her with no obtrusive questions. I, therefore, at first,
confined myself to a few general inquiries about her health and
welfare, and a few commendations on the beauty of the park, and of
the little girl that should have been a boy: a small delicate
infant of seven or eight weeks old, whom its mother seemed to
regard with no remarkable degree of interest or affection, though
full as much as I expected her to show.
Shortly after my arrival, she commissioned her maid to conduct me
to my room and see that I had everything I wanted; it was a small,
unpretending, but sufficiently comfortable apartment. When I
descended thence - having divested myself of all travelling
encumbrances, and arranged my toilet with due consideration for the
feelings of my lady hostess, she conducted me herself to the room I
was to occupy when I chose to be alone, or when she was engaged
with visitors, or obliged to be with her mother-in-law, or
otherwise prevented, as she said, from enjoying the pleasure of my
society. It was a quiet, tidy little sitting-room; and I was not
sorry to be provided with such a harbour of refuge.
'And some time,' said she, 'I will show you the library: I never
examined its shelves, but, I daresay, it is full of wise books; and
you may go and burrow among them whenever you please. And now you
shall have some tea - it will soon be dinner-time, but I thought,
as you were accustomed to dine at one, you would perhaps like
better to have a cup of tea about this time, and to dine when we
lunch: and then, you know, you can have your tea in this room, and
that will save you from having to dine with Lady Ashby and Sir
Thomas: which would be rather awkward - at least, not awkward, but
rather - a - you know what I mean. I thought you mightn't like it
so well - especially as we may have other ladies and gentlemen to
dine with us occasionally.'
'Certainly,' said I, 'I would much rather have it as you say, and,
if you have no objection, I should prefer having all my meals in
this room.'
'Why so?'
'Because, I imagine, it would be more agreeable to Lady Ashby and
Sir Thomas.'
'Nothing of the kind.'
'At any rate it would be more agreeable to me.'
She made some faint objections, but soon conceded; and I could see
that the proposal was a considerable relief to her.
'Now, come into the drawing-room,' said she. 'There's the dressing
bell; but I won't go yet: it's no use dressing when there's no one
to see you; and I want to have a little discourse.'
The drawing-room was certainly an imposing apartment, and very
elegantly furnished; but I saw its young mistress glance towards me
as we entered, as if to notice how I was impressed by the
spectacle, and accordingly I determined to preserve an aspect of
stony indifference, as if I saw nothing at all remarkable. But
this was only for a moment: immediately conscience whispered, 'Why
should I disappoint her to save my pride? No - rather let me
sacrifice my pride to give her a little innocent gratification.'
And I honestly looked round, and told her it was a noble room, and
very tastefully furnished. She said little, but I saw she was
pleased.
She showed me her fat French poodle, that lay curled up on a silk
cushion, and the two fine Italian paintings: which, however, she
would not give me time to examine, but, saying I must look at them
some other day, insisted upon my admiring the little jewelled watch
she had purchased in Geneva; and then she took me round the room to
point out sundry articles of VERTU she had brought from Italy: an
elegant little timepiece, and several busts, small graceful
figures, and vases, all beautifully carved in white marble. She
spoke of these with animation, and heard my admiring comments with
a smile of pleasure: that soon, however, vanished, and was
followed by a melancholy sigh; as if in consideration of the
insufficiency of all such baubles to the happiness of the human
heart, and their woeful inability to supply its insatiate demands.
Then, stretching herself upon a couch, she motioned me to a
capacious easy-chair that stood opposite - not before the fire, but
before a wide open window; for it was summer, be it remembered; a
sweet, warm evening in the latter half of June. I sat for a moment
in silence, enjoying the still, pure air, and the delightful
prospect of the park that lay before me, rich in verdure and
foliage, and basking in yellow sunshine, relieved by the long
shadows of declining day. But I must take advantage of this pause:
I had inquiries to make, and, like the substance of a lady's
postscript, the most important must come last. So I began with
asking after Mr. and Mrs. Murray, and Miss Matilda and the young
gentlemen.
I was told that papa had the gout, which made him very ferocious;
and that he would not give up his choice wines, and his substantial
dinners and suppers, and had quarrelled with his physician, because
the latter had dared to say that no medicine could cure him while
he lived so freely; that mamma and the rest were well. Matilda was
still wild and reckless, but she had got a fashionable governess,
and was considerably improved in her manners, and soon to be
introduced to the world; and John and Charles (now at home for the
holidays) were, by all accounts, 'fine, bold, unruly, mischievous
boys.'
'And how are the other people getting on?' said I - 'the Greens,
for instance?'
'Ah! Mr. Green is heart-broken, you know,' replied she, with a
languid smile: 'he hasn't got over his disappointment yet, and
never will, I suppose. He's doomed to be an old bachelor; and his
sisters are doing their best to get married.'
'And the Melthams?'
'Oh, they're jogging on as usual, I suppose: but I know very
little about any of them - except Harry,' said she, blushing
slightly, and smiling again. 'I saw a great deal of him while we
were in London; for, as soon as he heard we were there, he came up
under pretence of visiting his brother, and either followed me,
like a shadow, wherever I went, or met me, like a reflection, at
every turn. You needn't look so shocked, Miss Grey; I was very
discreet, I assure you, but, you know, one can't help being
admired. Poor fellow! He was not my only worshipper; though he
was certainly the most conspicuous, and, I think, the most devoted
among them all. And that detestable - ahem - and Sir Thomas chose
to take offence at him - or my profuse expenditure, or something -
I don't exactly know what - and hurried me down to the country at a
moment's notice; where I'm to play the hermit, I suppose, for
life.'
And she bit her lip, and frowned vindictively upon the fair domain
she had once so coveted to call her own.
'And Mr. Hatfield,' said I, 'what is become of him?'
Again she brightened up, and answered gaily - 'Oh! he made up to an
elderly spinster, and married her, not long since; weighing her
heavy purse against her faded charms, and expecting to find that
solace in gold which was denied him in love - ha, ha!'
'Well, and I think that's all - except Mr. Weston: what is he
doing?'
'I don't know, I'm sure. He's gone from Horton.'
'How long since? and where is he gone to?'
'I know nothing about him,' replied she, yawning - 'except that he
went about a month ago - I never asked where' (I would have asked
whether it was to a living or merely another curacy, but thought it
better not); 'and the people made a great rout about his leaving,'
continued she, 'much to Mr. Hatfield's displeasure; for Hatfield
didn't like him, because he had too much influence with the common
people, and because he was not sufficiently tractable and
submissive to him - and for some other unpardonable sins, I don't
know what. But now I positively must go and dress: the second
bell will ring directly, and if I come to dinner in this guise, I
shall never hear the end of it from Lady Ashby. It's a strange
thing one can't be mistress in one's own house! Just ring the
bell, and I'll send for my maid, and tell them to get you some tea.
Only think of that intolerable woman - '
'Who - your maid?'
'No; - my mother-in-law - and my unfortunate mistake! Instead of
letting her take herself off to some other house, as she offered to
do when I married, I was fool enough to ask her to live here still,
and direct the affairs of the house for me; because, in the first
place, I hoped we should spend the greater part of the year, in
town, and in the second place, being so young and inexperienced, I
was frightened at the idea of having a houseful of servants to
manage, and dinners to order, and parties to entertain, and all the
rest of it, and I thought she might assist me with her experience;
never dreaming she would prove a usurper, a tyrant, an incubus, a
spy, and everything else that's detestable. I wish she was dead!'
She then turned to give her orders to the footman, who had been
standing bolt upright within the door for the last half minute, and
had heard the latter part of her animadversions; and, of course,
made his own reflections upon them, notwithstanding the inflexible,
wooden countenance he thought proper to preserve in the drawingroom.
On my remarking afterwards that he must have heard her, she
replied - 'Oh, no matter! I never care about the footmen; they're
mere automatons: it's nothing to them what their superiors say or
do; they won't dare to repeat it; and as to what they think - if
they presume to think at all - of course, nobody cares for that.
It would be a pretty thing indeed, it we were to be tongue-tied by
our servants!'
So saying, she ran off to make her hasty toilet, leaving me to
pilot my way back to my sitting-room, where, in due time, I was
served with a cup of tea. After that, I sat musing on Lady Ashby's
past and present condition; and on what little information I had
obtained respecting Mr. Weston, and the small chance there was of
ever seeing or hearing anything more of him throughout my quiet,
drab-colour life: which, henceforth, seemed to offer no
alternative between positive rainy days, and days of dull grey
clouds without downfall. At length, however, I began to weary of
my thoughts, and to wish I knew where to find the library my
hostess had spoken of; and to wonder whether I was to remain there
doing nothing till bedtime.
As I was not rich enough to possess a watch, I could not tell how
time was passing, except by observing the slowly lengthening
shadows from the window; which presented a side view, including a
corner of the park, a clump of trees whose topmost branches had
been colonized by an innumerable company of noisy rooks, and a high
wall with a massive wooden gate: no doubt communicating with the
stable-yard, as a broad carriage-road swept up to it from the park.
The shadow of this wall soon took posession of the whole of the
ground as far as I could see, forcing the golden sunlight to
retreat inch by inch, and at last take refuge in the very tops of
the trees. Ere long, even they were left in shadow - the shadow of
the distant hills, or of the earth itself; and, in sympathy for the
busy citizens of the rookery, I regretted to see their habitation,
so lately bathed in glorious light, reduced to the sombre, work-aday
hue of the lower world, or of my own world within. For a
moment, such birds as soared above the rest might still receive the
lustre on their wings, which imparted to their sable plumage the
hue and brilliance of deep red gold; at last, that too departed.
Twilight came stealing on; the rooks became more quiet; I became
more weary, and wished I were going home to-morrow. At length it
grew dark; and I was thinking of ringing for a candle, and betaking
myself to bed, when my hostess appeared, with many apologies for
having neglected me so long, and laying all the blame upon that
'nasty old woman,' as she called her mother-in-law.
'If I didn't sit with her in the drawing-room while Sir Thomas is
taking his wine,' said she, 'she would never forgive me; and then,
if I leave the room the instant he comes - as I have done once or
twice - it is an unpardonable offence against her dear Thomas. SHE
never showed such disrespect to HER husband: and as for affection,
wives never think of that now-a-days, she supposes: but things
were different in HER time - as if there was any good to be done by
staying in the room, when he does nothing but grumble and scold
when he's in a bad humour, talk disgusting nonsense when he's in a
good one, and go to sleep on the sofa when he's too stupid for
either; which is most frequently the case now, when he has nothing
to do but to sot over his wine.'
'But could you not try to occupy his mind with something better;
and engage him to give up such habits? I'm sure you have powers of
persuasion, and qualifications for amusing a gentleman, which many
ladies would be glad to possess.'
'And so you think I would lay myself out for his amusement! No:
that's not MY idea of a wife. It's the husband's part to please
the wife, not hers to please him; and if he isn't satisfied with
her as she is - and thankful to possess her too - he isn't worthy
of her, that's all. And as for persuasion, I assure you I shan't
trouble myself with that: I've enough to do to bear with him as he
is, without attempting to work a reform. But I'm sorry I left you
so long alone, Miss Grey. How have you passed the time?'
'Chiefly in watching the rooks.'
'Mercy, how dull you must have been! I really must show you the
library; and you must ring for everything you want, just as you
would in an inn, and make yourself comfortable. I have selfish
reasons for wishing to make you happy, because I want you to stay
with me, and not fulfil your horrid threat of running away in a day
or two.'
'Well, don't let me keep you out of the drawing-room any longer tonight,
for at present I am tired and wish to go to bed.'
CHAPTER XXIII - THE PARK
I CAME down a little before eight, next morning, as I knew by the
striking of a distant clock. There was no appearance of breakfast.
I waited above an hour before it came, still vainly longing for
access to the library; and, after that lonely repast was concluded,
I waited again about an hour and a half in great suspense and
discomfort, uncertain what to do. At length Lady Ashby came to bid
me good-morning. She informed me she had only just breakfasted,
and now wanted me to take an early walk with her in the park. She
asked how long I had been up, and on receiving my answer, expressed
the deepest regret, and again promised to show me the library. I
suggested she had better do so at once, and then there would be no
further trouble either with remembering or forgetting. She
complied, on condition that I would not think of reading, or
bothering with the books now; for she wanted to show me the
gardens, and take a walk in the park with me, before it became too
hot for enjoyment; which, indeed, was nearly the case already. Of
course I readily assented; and we took our walk accordingly.
As we were strolling in the park, talking of what my companion had
seen and heard during her travelling experience, a gentleman on
horseback rode up and passed us. As he turned, in passing, and
stared me full in the face, I had a good opportunity of seeing what
he was like. He was tall, thin, and wasted, with a slight stoop in
the shoulders, a pale face, but somewhat blotchy, and disagreeably
red about the eyelids, plain features, and a general appearance of
languor and flatness, relieved by a sinister expression in the
mouth and the dull, soulless eyes.
'I detest that man!' whispered Lady Ashby, with bitter emphasis, as
he slowly trotted by.
'Who is it?' I asked, unwilling to suppose that she should so speak
of her husband.
'Sir Thomas Ashby,' she replied, with dreary composure.
'And do you DETEST him, Miss Murray?' said I, for I was too much
shocked to remember her name at the moment.
'Yes, I do, Miss Grey, and despise him too; and if you knew him you
would not blame me.'
'But you knew what he was before you married him.'
'No; I only thought so: I did not half know him really. I know
you warned me against it, and I wish I had listened to you: but
it's too late to regret that now. And besides, mamma ought to have
known better than either of us, and she never said anything against
it - quite the contrary. And then I thought he adored me, and
would let me have my own way: he did pretend to do so at first,
but now he does not care a bit about me. Yet I should not care for
that: he might do as he pleased, if I might only be free to amuse
myself and to stay in London, or have a few friends down here: but
HE WILL do as he pleases, and I must be a prisoner and a slave.
The moment he saw I could enjoy myself without him, and that others
knew my value better than himself, the selfish wretch began to
accuse me of coquetry and extravagance; and to abuse Harry Meltham,
whose shoes he was not worthy to clean. And then he must needs
have me down in the country, to lead the life of a nun, lest I
should dishonour him or bring him to ruin; as if he had not been
ten times worse every way, with his betting-book, and his gamingtable,
and his opera-girls, and his Lady This and Mrs. That - yes,
and his bottles of wine, and glasses of brandy-and-water too! Oh,
I would give ten thousand worlds to be Mss Murray again! It is TOO
bad to feel life, health, and beauty wasting away, unfelt and
unenjoyed, for such a brute as that!' exclaimed she, fairly
bursting into tears in the bitterness of her vexation.
Of course, I pitied her exceedingly; as well for her false idea of
happiness and disregard of duty, as for the wretched partner with
whom her fate was linked. I said what I could to comfort her, and
offered such counsels as I thought she most required: advising
her, first, by gentle reasoning, by kindness, example, and
persuasion, to try to ameliorate her husband; and then, when she
had done all she could, if she still found him incorrigible, to
endeavour to abstract herself from him - to wrap herself up in her
own integrity, and trouble herself as little about him as possible.
I exhorted her to seek consolation in doing her duty to God and
man, to put her trust in Heaven, and solace herself with the care
and nurture of her little daughter; assuring her she would be amply
rewarded by witnessing its progress in strength and wisdom, and
receiving its genuine affection.
'But I can't devote myself entirely to a child,' said she; 'it may
die - which is not at all improbable.'
'But, with care, many a delicate infant has become a strong man or
woman.'
'But it may grow so intolerably like its father that I shall hate
it.'
'That is not likely; it is a little girl, and strongly resembles
its mother.'
'No matter; I should like it better if it were a boy - only that
its father will leave it no inheritance that he can possibly
squander away. What pleasure can I have in seeing a girl grow up
to eclipse me, and enjoy those pleasures that I am for ever
debarred from? But supposing I could be so generous as to take
delight in this, still it is ONLY a child; and I can't centre all
my hopes in a child: that is only one degree better than devoting
oneself to a dog. And as for all the wisdom and goodness you have
been trying to instil into me - that is all very right and proper,
I daresay, and if I were some twenty years older, I might fructify
by it: but people must enjoy themselves when they are young; and
if others won't let them - why, they must hate them for it!'
'The best way to enjoy yourself is to do what is right and hate
nobody. The end of Religion is not to teach us how to die, but how
to live; and the earlier you become wise and good, the more of
happiness you secure. And now, Lady Ashby, I have one more piece
of advice to offer you, which is, that you will not make an enemy
of your mother-in-law. Don't get into the way of holding her at
arms' length, and regarding her with jealous distrust. I never saw
her, but I have heard good as well as evil respecting her; and I
imagine that, though cold and haughty in her general demeanour, and
even exacting in her requirements, she has strong affections for
those who can reach them; and, though so blindly attached to her
son, she is not without good principles, or incapable of hearing
reason. If you would but conciliate her a little, and adopt a
friendly, open manner - and even confide your grievances to her -
real grievances, such as you have a right to complain of - it is my
firm belief that she would, in time, become your faithful friend,
and a comfort and support to you, instead of the incubus you
describe her.' But I fear my advice had little effect upon the
unfortunate young lady; and, finding I could render myself so
little serviceable, my residence at Ashby Park became doubly
painful. But still, I must stay out that day and the following
one, as I had promised to do so: though, resisting all entreaties
and inducements to prolong my visit further, I insisted upon
departing the next morning; affirming that my mother would be
lonely without me, and that she impatiently expected my return.
Nevertheless, it was with a heavy heart that I bade adieu to poor
Lady Ashby, and left her in her princely home. It was no slight
additional proof of her unhappiness, that she should so cling to
the consolation of my presence, and earnestly desire the company of
one whose general tastes and ideas were so little congenial to her
own - whom she had completely forgotten in her hour of prosperity,
and whose presence would be rather a nuisance than a pleasure, if
she could but have half her heart's desire.
CHAPTER XXIV - THE SANDS
OUR school was not situated in the heart of the town: on entering
A- from the north-west there is a row of respectable-looking
houses, on each side of the broad, white road, with narrow slips of
garden-ground before them, Venetian blinds to the windows, and a
flight of steps leading to each trim, brass-handled door. In one
of the largest of these habitations dwelt my mother and I, with
such young ladies as our friends and the public chose to commit to
our charge. Consequently, we were a considerable distance from the
sea, and divided from it by a labyrinth of streets and houses. But
the sea was my delight; and I would often gladly pierce the town to
obtain the pleasure of a walk beside it, whether with the pupils,
or alone with my mother during the vacations. It was delightful to
me at all times and seasons, but especially in the wild commotion
of a rough sea-breeze, and in the brilliant freshness of a summer
morning.
I awoke early on the third morning after my return from Ashby Park
- the sun was shining through the blind, and I thought how pleasant
it would be to pass through the quiet town and take a solitary
ramble on the sands while half the world was in bed. I was not
long in forming the resolution, nor slow to act upon it. Of course
I would not disturb my mother, so I stole noiselessly downstairs,
and quietly unfastened the door. I was dressed and out, when the
church clock struck a quarter to six. There was a feeling of
freshness and vigour in the very streets; and when I got free of
the town, when my foot was on the sands and my face towards the
broad, bright bay, no language can describe the effect of the deep,
clear azure of the sky and ocean, the bright morning sunshine on
the semicircular barrier of craggy cliffs surmounted by green
swelling hills, and on the smooth, wide sands, and the low rocks
out at sea - looking, with their clothing of weeds and moss, like
little grass-grown islands - and above all, on the brilliant,
sparkling waves. And then, the unspeakable purity - and freshness
of the air! There was just enough heat to enhance the value of the
breeze, and just enough wind to keep the whole sea in motion, to
make the waves come bounding to the shore, foaming and sparkling,
as if wild with glee. Nothing else was stirring - no living
creature was visible besides myself. My footsteps were the first
to press the firm, unbroken sands; - nothing before had trampled
them since last night's flowing tide had obliterated the deepest
marks of yesterday, and left them fair and even, except where the
subsiding water had left behind it the traces of dimpled pools and
little running streams.
Refreshed, delighted, invigorated, I walked along, forgetting all
my cares, feeling as if I had wings to my feet, and could go at
least forty miles without fatigue, and experiencing a sense of
exhilaration to which I had been an entire stranger since the days
of early youth. About half-past six, however, the grooms began to
come down to air their masters' horses - first one, and then
another, till there were some dozen horses and five or six riders:
but that need not trouble me, for they would not come as far as the
low rocks which I was now approaching. When I had reached these,
and walked over the moist, slippery sea-weed (at the risk of
floundering into one of the numerous pools of clear, salt water
that lay between them), to a little mossy promontory with the sea
splashing round it, I looked back again to see who next was
stirring. Still, there were only the early grooms with their
horses, and one gentleman with a little dark speck of a dog running
before him, and one water-cart coming out of the town to get water
for the baths. In another minute or two, the distant bathing
machines would begin to move, and then the elderly gentlemen of
regular habits and sober quaker ladies would be coming to take
their salutary morning walks. But however interesting such a scene
might be, I could not wait to witness it, for the sun and the sea
so dazzled my eyes in that direction, that I could but afford one
glance; and then I turned again to delight myself with the sight
and the sound of the sea, dashing against my promontory - with no
prodigious force, for the swell was broken by the tangled sea-weed
and the unseen rocks beneath; otherwise I should soon have been
deluged with spray. But the tide was coming in; the water was
rising; the gulfs and lakes were filling; the straits were
widening: it was time to seek some safer footing; so I walked,
skipped, and stumbled back to the smooth, wide sands, and resolved
to proceed to a certain bold projection in the cliffs, and then
return.
Presently, I heard a snuffling sound behind me and then a dog came
frisking and wriggling to my feet. It was my own Snap - the little
dark, wire-haired terrier! When I spoke his name, he leapt up in
my face and yelled for joy. Almost as much delighted as himself, I
caught the little creature in my arms, and kissed him repeatedly.
But how came he to be there? He could not have dropped from the
sky, or come all that way alone: it must be either his master, the
rat-catcher, or somebody else that had brought him; so, repressing
my extravagant caresses, and endeavouring to repress his likewise,
I looked round, and beheld - Mr. Weston!
'Your dog remembers you well, Miss Grey,' said he, warmly grasping
the hand I offered him without clearly knowing what I was about.
'You rise early.'
'Not often so early as this,' I replied, with amazing composure,
considering all the circumstances of the case.
'How far do you purpose to extend your walk?'
'I was thinking of returning - it must be almost time, I think.'
He consulted his watch - a gold one now - and told me it was only
five minutes past seven.
'But, doubtless, you have had a long enough walk,' said he, turning
towards the town, to which I now proceeded leisurely to retrace my
steps; and he walked beside me.
'In what part of the town do you live?' asked he. 'I never could
discover.'
Never could discover? Had he endeavoured to do so then? I told
him the place of our abode. He asked how we prospered in our
affairs. I told him we were doing very well - that we had had a
considerable addition to our pupils after the Christmas vacation,
and expected a still further increase at the close of this.
'You must be an accomplished instructor,' he observed.
'No, it is my mother,' I replied; 'she manages things so well, and
is so active, and clever, and kind.'
'I should like to know your mother. Will you introduce me to her
some time, if I call?'
'Yes, willingly.'
'And will you allow me the privilege of an old friend, of looking
in upon you now and then?'
'Yes, if - I suppose so.'
This was a very foolish answer, but the truth was, I considered
that I had no right to invite anyone to my mother's house without
her knowledge; and if I had said, 'Yes, if my mother does not
object,' it would appear as if by his question I understood more
than was expected; so, SUPPOSING she would not, I added, 'I suppose
so:' but of course I should have said something more sensible and
more polite, if I had had my wits about me. We continued our walk
for a minute in silence; which, however, was shortly relieved (no
small relief to me) by Mr. Weston commenting upon the brightness of
the morning and the beauty of the bay, and then upon the advantages
A- possessed over many other fashionable places of resort.
'You don't ask what brings me to A- ' said he. 'You can't suppose
I'm rich enough to come for my own pleasure.'
'I heard you had left Horton.'
'You didn't hear, then, that I had got the living of F-?'
F- was a village about two miles distant from A-.
'No,' said I; 'we live so completely out of the world, even here,
that news seldom reaches me through any quarter; except through the
medium of the - GAZETTE. But I hope you like your new parish; and
that I may congratulate you on the acquisition?'
'I expect to like my parish better a year or two hence, when I have
worked certain reforms I have set my heart upon - or, at least,
progressed some steps towards such an achievement. But you may
congratulate me now; for I find it very agreeable to HAVE a parish
all to myself, with nobody to interfere with me - to thwart my
plans or cripple my exertions: and besides, I have a respectable
house in a rather pleasant neighbourhood, and three hundred pounds
a year; and, in fact, I have nothing but solitude to complain of,
and nothing but a companion to wish for.'
He looked at me as he concluded: and the flash of his dark eyes
seemed to set my face on fire; greatly to my own discomfiture, for
to evince confusion at such a juncture was intolerable. I made an
effort, therefore, to remedy the evil, and disclaim all personal
application of the remark by a hasty, ill-expressed reply, to the
effect that, if he waited till he was well known in the
neighbourhood, he might have numerous opportunities for supplying
his want among the residents of F- and its vicinity, or the
visitors of A-, if he required so ample a choice: not considering
the compliment implied by such an assertion, till his answer made
me aware of it.
'I am not so presumptuous as to believe that,' said he, 'though you
tell it me; but if it were so, I am rather particular in my notions
of a companion for life, and perhaps I might not find one to suit
me among the ladies you mention.'
'If you require perfection, you never will.'
'I do not - I have no right to require it, as being so far from
perfect myself.'
Here the conversation was interrupted by a water-cart lumbering
past us, for we were now come to the busy part of the sands; and,
for the next eight or ten minutes, between carts and horses, and
asses, and men, there was little room for social intercourse, till
we had turned our backs upon the sea, and begun to ascend the
precipitous road leading into the town. Here my companion offered
me his arm, which I accepted, though not with the intention of
using it as a support.
'You don't often come on to the sands, I think,' said he, 'for I
have walked there many times, both morning and evening, since I
came, and never seen you till now; and several times, in passing
through the town, too, I have looked about for your school - but I
did not think of the - Road; and once or twice I made inquiries,
but without obtaining the requisite information.'
When we had surmounted the acclivity, I was about to withdraw my
arm from his, but by a slight tightening of the elbow was tacitly
informed that such was not his will, and accordingly desisted.
Discoursing on different subjects, we entered the town, and passed
through several streets. I saw that he was going out of his way to
accompany me, notwithstanding the long walk that was yet before
him; and, fearing that he might be inconveniencing himself from
motives of politeness, I observed - 'I fear I am taking you out of
your way, Mr. Weston - I believe the road to F- lies quite in
another direction.'
'I'll leave you at the end of the next street,' said he.
'And when will you come to see mamma?'
'To-morrow - God willing.'
The end of the next street was nearly the conclusion of my journey.
He stopped there, however, bid me good-morning, and called Snap,
who seemed a little doubtful whether to follow his old mistress or
his new master, but trotted away upon being summoned by the latter.
'I won't offer to restore him to you, Miss Grey,' said Mr. Weston,
smiling, 'because I like him.'
'Oh, I don't want him,' replied I, 'now that he has a good master;
I'm quite satisfied.'
'You take it for granted that I am a good one, then?'
The man and the dog departed, and I returned home, full of
gratitude to heaven for so much bliss, and praying that my hopes
might not again be crushed.
CHAPTER XXV - CONCLUSION
'WELL, Agnes, you must not take such long walks again before
breakfast,' said my mother, observing that I drank an extra cup of
coffee and ate nothing - pleading the heat of the weather, and the
fatigue of my long walk as an excuse. I certainly did feel
feverish and tired too.
'You always do things by extremes: now, if you had taken a SHORT
walk every morning, and would continue to do so, it would do you
good.'
'Well, mamma, I will.'
'But this is worse than lying in bed or bending over your books:
you have quite put yourself into a fever.'
'I won't do it again,' said I.
I was racking my brains with thinking how to tell her about Mr.
Weston, for she must know he was coming to-morrow. However, I
waited till the breakfast things were removed, and I was more calm
and cool; and then, having sat down to my drawing, I began - 'I met
an old friend on the sands to-day, mamma.'
'An old friend! Who could it be?'
'Two old friends, indeed. One was a dog;' and then I reminded her
of Snap, whose history I had recounted before, and related the
incident of his sudden appearance and remarkable recognition; 'and
the other,' continued I, 'was Mr. Weston, the curate of Horton.'
'Mr. Weston! I never heard of him before.'
'Yes, you have: I've mentioned him several times, I believe: but
you don't remember.'
'I've heard you speak of Mr. Hatfield.'
'Mr. Hatfield was the rector, and Mr. Weston the curate: I used to
mention him sometimes in contradistinction to Mr. Hatfield, as
being a more efficient clergyman. However, he was on the sands
this morning with the dog - he had bought it, I suppose, from the
rat-catcher; and he knew me as well as it did - probably through
its means: and I had a little conversation with him, in the course
of which, as he asked about our school, I was led to say something
about you, and your good management; and he said he should like to
know you, and asked if I would introduce him to you, if he should
take the liberty of calling to-morrow; so I said I would. Was I
right?'
'Of course. What kind of a man is he?'
'A very RESPECTABLE man, I think: but you will see him to-morrow.
He is the new vicar of F-, and as he has only been there a few
weeks, I suppose he has made no friends yet, and wants a little
society.'
The morrow came. What a fever of anxiety and expectation I was in
from breakfast till noon - at which time he made his appearance!
Having introduced him to my mother, I took my work to the window,
and sat down to await the result of the interview. They got on
extremely well together - greatly to my satisfaction, for I had
felt very anxious about what my mother would think of him. He did
not stay long that time: but when he rose to take leave, she said
she should be happy to see him, whenever he might find it
convenient to call again; and when he was gone, I was gratified by
hearing her say, - 'Well! I think he's a very sensible man. But
why did you sit back there, Agnes,' she added, 'and talk so
little?'
'Because you talked so well, mamma, I thought you required no
assistance from me: and, besides, he was your visitor, not mine.'
After that, he often called upon us - several times in the course
of a week. He generally addressed most of his conversation to my
mother: and no wonder, for she could converse. I almost envied
the unfettered, vigorous fluency of her discourse, and the strong
sense evinced by everything she said - and yet, I did not; for,
though I occasionally regretted my own deficiencies for his sake,
it gave me very great pleasure to sit and hear the two beings I
loved and honoured above every one else in the world, discoursing
together so amicably, so wisely, and so well. I was not always
silent, however; nor was I at all neglected. I was quite as much
noticed as I would wish to be: there was no lack of kind words and
kinder looks, no end of delicate attentions, too fine and subtle to
be grasped by words, and therefore indescribable - but deeply felt
at heart.
Ceremony was quickly dropped between us: Mr. Weston came as an
expected guest, welcome at all times, and never deranging the
economy of our household affairs. He even called me 'Agnes:' the
name had been timidly spoken at first, but, finding it gave no
offence in any quarter, he seemed greatly to prefer that
appellation to 'Miss Grey;' and so did I. How tedious and gloomy
were those days in which he did not come! And yet not miserable;
for I had still the remembrance of the last visit and the hope of
the next to cheer me. But when two or three days passed without my
seeing him, I certainly felt very anxious - absurdly, unreasonably
so; for, of course, he had his own business and the affairs of his
parish to attend to. And I dreaded the close of the holidays, when
MY business also would begin, and I should be sometimes unable to
see him, and sometimes - when my mother was in the schoolroom -
obliged to be with him alone: a position I did not at all desire,
in the house; though to meet him out of doors, and walk beside him,
had proved by no means disagreeable.
One evening, however, in the last week of the vacation, he arrived
- unexpectedly: for a heavy and protracted thunder-shower during
the afternoon had almost destroyed my hopes of seeing him that day;
but now the storm was over, and the sun was shining brightly.
'A beautiful evening, Mrs. Grey!' said he, as he entered. 'Agnes,
I want you to take a walk with me to - ' (he named a certain part
of the coast - a bold hill on the land side, and towards the sea a
steep precipice, from the summit of which a glorious view is to be
had). 'The rain has laid the dust, and cooled and cleared the air,
and the prospect will be magnificent. Will you come?'
'Can I go, mamma?'
'Yes; to be sure.'
I went to get ready, and was down again in a few minutes; though,
of course, I took a little more pains with my attire than if I had
merely been going out on some shopping expedition alone. The
thunder-shower had certainly had a most beneficial effect upon the
weather, and the evening was most delightful. Mr. Weston would
have me to take his arm; he said little during our passage through
the crowded streets, but walked very fast, and appeared grave and
abstracted. I wondered what was the matter, and felt an indefinite
dread that something unpleasant was on his mind; and vague
surmises, concerning what it might be, troubled me not a little,
and made me grave and silent enough. But these fantasies vanished
upon reaching the quiet outskirts of the town; for as soon as we
came within sight of the venerable old church, and the - hill, with
the deep blue beyond it, I found my companion was cheerful enough.
'I'm afraid I've been walking too fast for you, Agnes,' said he:
'in my impatience to be rid of the town, I forgot to consult your
convenience; but now we'll walk as slowly as you please. I see, by
those light clouds in the west, there will be a brilliant sunset,
and we shall be in time to witness its effect upon the sea, at the
most moderate rate of progression.'
When we had got about half-way up the hill, we fell into silence
again; which, as usual, he was the first to break.
'My house is desolate yet, Miss Grey,' he smilingly observed, 'and
I am acquainted now with all the ladies in my parish, and several
in this town too; and many others I know by sight and by report;
but not one of them will suit me for a companion; in fact, there is
only one person in the world that will: and that is yourself; and
I want to know your decision?'
'Are you in earnest, Mr. Weston?'
'In earnest! How could you think I should jest on such a subject?'
He laid his hand on mine, that rested on his arm: he must have
felt it tremble - but it was no great matter now.
'I hope I have not been too precipitate,' he said, in a serious
tone. 'You must have known that it was not my way to flatter and
talk soft nonsense, or even to speak the admiration that I felt;
and that a single word or glance of mine meant more than the honied
phrases and fervent protestations of most other men.'
I said something about not liking to leave my mother, and doing
nothing without her consent.
'I settled everything with Mrs. Grey, while you were putting on
your bonnet,' replied he. 'She said I might have her consent, if I
could obtain yours; and I asked her, in case I should be so happy,
to come and live with us - for I was sure you would like it better.
But she refused, saying she could now afford to employ an
assistant, and would continue the school till she could purchase an
annuity sufficient to maintain her in comfortable lodgings; and,
meantime, she would spend her vacations alternately with us and
your sister, and should be quite contented if you were happy. And
so now I have overruled your objections on her account. Have you
any other?'
'No - none.'
'You love me then?' said be, fervently pressing my hand.
'Yes.'
Here I pause. My Diary, from which I have compiled these pages,
goes but little further. I could go on for years, but I will
content myself with adding, that I shall never forget that glorious
summer evening, and always remember with delight that steep hill,
and the edge of the precipice where we stood together, watching the
splendid sunset mirrored in the restless world of waters at our
feet - with hearts filled with gratitude to heaven, and happiness,
and love - almost too full for speech.
A few weeks after that, when my mother had supplied herself with an
assistant, I became the wife of Edward Weston; and never have found
cause to repent it, and am certain that I never shall. We have had
trials, and we know that we must have them again; but we bear them
well together, and endeavour to fortify ourselves and each other
against the final separation - that greatest of all afflictions to
the survivor. But, if we keep in mind the glorious heaven beyond,
where both may meet again, and sin and sorrow are unknown, surely
that too may be borne; and, meantime, we endeavour to live to the
glory of Him who has scattered so many blessings in our path.
Edward, by his strenuous exertions, has worked surprising reforms
in his parish, and is esteemed and loved by its inhabitants - as he
deserves; for whatever his faults may be as a man (and no one is
entirely without), I defy anybody to blame him as a pastor, a
husband, or a father.
Our children, Edward, Agnes, and little Mary, promise well; their
education, for the time being, is chiefly committed to me; and they
shall want no good thing that a mother's care can give. Our modest
income is amply sufficient for our requirements: and by practising
the economy we learnt in harder times, and never attempting to
imitate our richer neighbours, we manage not only to enjoy comfort
and contentment ourselves, but to have every year something to lay
by for our children, and something to give to those who need it.
And now I think I have said sufficient.